Weekend Recap

Ohh what a relaxing weekend. Got tons done yesterday and today was a "treat" day. While it turned out soggy and gross, it ended quite sunny and bright--which was IDEAL for a day at the pool. However now my face is a bright color of red, but it was so enjoyable.

One difficult thing was coming home to an empty house. That felt a little off. I told my buddy who gave me a ride home that it just felt weird tonight. I miss having someone to talk to (verbally, face-to-face) when I get home. I don't know why, but I felt it more tonight than most other nights. I don't know why, I just did.

But all-in-all, this was a nice weekend. I really didn't go anywhere (aside from pooling) but it was relaxing. I've been running myself ragged the past couple weeks--but it helps me get through the week. However it does turn me into a lazy bum on weekends, but everyone needs that every so often :-)

And tomorrow...back to the grind...

Loser?

What do single people do normally? I feel like a loser or like I should be doing something when I'm sitting at home, but what exactly that is, I'm not sure. Surely people who are single don't go out and do things every night, right? I mean it just doesn't seem feasable to believe that singles are ALWAYS out with friends or bumming around or what not. Maybe this is just something I need to get used to?

I feel like all I do is sit on the couch or bum around the house. But is that so wrong? I get so much accomplished and there's always work to be done. Yes, I know, I can't or shouldn't LIVE for my house, but there's just so much to do.

Take today. I worked out, mowed the lawn, trimmed the bushes, weed-killed the weeds, washed the floors, vacuumed, cleaned out cubbies, made chicken for lunches next week...That's a lot. But once it was all done (I was up early mind you) it was like 4pm. And from then on, I did nothing.

This weekend, most of my friends were out of town. But even so, we don't really go out NOR do I have the money to do such things. I dunno. I guess I just feel loserish for not going out and doing stuff...but what is there to do? I don't want to go sit at a bar by myself, so what else is left? If I had money I'd sign up for some kind of class--be it Spanish or self-defense or salsa or whatever.

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!? What the fuck?! Why can't he just NEVER speak to me again?! Omg I am shaking right now I am so upset, angry, pissed, kinda scared...GRRRRRRRRRRR. We dated 10 YEARS AGO!! GET OVER IT!!!

OMG I am just not in a happy mood right now. Not whatsoever! I'm so tired of living with a sense of fear shoved to the back of my mind. I am so tired of always looking over my shoulder or seeing someone that reminds me of him and instantly feeling like I'm going to pass out because I am so scared of him.

FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. And I know it's "silly" to be so worked up over this. But I can't help it. That asshole made my life a living hell after he threatened me, more moreover, my family. You don't DO that.

So here I am. Feeling like I did 9 or 10 years ago and I HATE that!!! I don't want to feel this way again. It's like he knows when I have almost completely forgotten or he's made it to the back of the mind that I never think about. Ususally I just get the text around what was our "anniversary" along the lines of "I'll never forget" but at least that I'm prepared for.

*sigh*

Memories...

I couldn't help but think about past memories tonight. It's not bad. I'm not emotional. I'm not upset. I just feel a sense of peace.

Walking past the bank in Walmart I remembered that that's where we first learned that Michael Jackson died.

Spraying week killer on the side of the house I remembered when we laid the newspaper and mulch and just how much more paper it took than we originally thought.

Browsing around Home Depot I couldn't help but think back to all the times we went there when we first got the house and talked about all the things we were going to do.

Eating the tilapia I made for dinner triggered the memory when I added WAY too much lemon juice to chicken...but he ate it anyway.

Walking in through the back door I got that woosh of the first time we walked into the house...and we both saw it and just knew it was the one.

I had a flash to when I was celebrating Balls to the Walls night and he was supposed to be DD, but we wound up getting plastered, he got sick at yacked at work, and I called my BFF for a ride home because we really didn't want to stay at the office.

I remember how mean he got when he drank too much tequila...and how mean I got when I drank too much bourbon.

It's crazy how many little things happened that at the time, didn't "mean" that much, mean now, they just mean the world.

I know this post might sound like I'm hanging on too much (?) but these things just brought a smile to my face. Yes, it still stings knowing that it's over. But I'm so glad that the memories I cherish most are the ones that are sticking out to me. I guess it would probably be easier to think of all the shitty times, the drama, the anger moments, but that's not what I want to do.

I'm not the way I once was. I no longer want to fight life tooth-and-nail. I guess you could say I've become more accepting of everything. I spent so many years in the "dark ages," being mad at everyone, being mad at the world, I know now I can't live like that. At the time, it was what I needed to do. And I'm glad I did, because I learned so much about myself that way.

So off I go...to think back to more good times and smile.

Fuck you! I'm beautiful!

I AM BEAUTIFUL, DAMNIT!!!

I'm not trying to sound conceited or anything, but God Damnit I am beautiful! I'm tired of feeling like I'm fat or ugly or icky...I am NONE OF THE ABOVE!!

I tried on a couple dresses tonight to see if they still fit..and they did. And I looked awesome in them! My goal of the now is to stop letting ME commadeer my mind and actually listen to what other people tell me--that I look awesome the way I am!

I may not be the exact size or shape I want to be, but that doesn't make me less of a person. And one day, there will be a man in my life who makes me forget these negative feelings. One day I will have someone tell me I am perfect the way I am.

Wow. What a great feeling this is. I may even wear my bikini to the pool this weekend! I may not be teenie-tiny, but who cares!? I'm proud of who I am! I'm proud of how hard I work myself and how healthy I eat. If I have a glass or 2 of wine a night, so what?! I'm 29 years old! It shouldn't be held against me. I don't drink and drive. I don't get belligerent. I don't do stupid things to harm myself. I just enjoy being me!

GOOD GOD DAMN! I hope this feeling sticks with me. Because it feels GREAT!

Thoughts Collected

Ok. Whew. I had my freak out time. Now I have collected my thoughts and am back to feeling semi-normal.

I asked that he let me know when/who he tells, and he said ok. Which is a good thing. I have no idea if this is hard on him at all. From what I can tell, he is way over us and isn't phased by anything. But I don't know. I don't know if that's the case or if that's just the face he's putting on to be strong. It give me comfort to know that he still cares though...even just a little.

People ask if we'll get back together. I tell them the truth, only time will tell. Who knows if maybe 3 months, 3 years, 30 years down the road we'll be romantically connected again. Only God knows that one.

Now it's just time to get back to being strong--which is much harder than anticipated. 5 years ago, at this stage of the "break" I would have been 10lbs lighter, with darker hair and an additional piercing. Not so muchie this round. It's crazy what the whole "growing up" thing will do to a person.

FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKK

FUCKING KILL ME! I am so not ready for any of this shit. I am so not mentally or emotionally ready for EVERYONE TO FUCKING KNOW. No it's not a secret. No I wasn't naive or dumb enough to believe it would be hush-hush forever, but this fucking hurts!!

I haven't cried-cried over the breakup in a while...and now I'm sitting at my desk, trying to work with tears streaming down my face. FUCK THIS SHIT!

I really don't know what to say or do or how to react. Part of me is pissed off at him because it would have been nice to know WHO HE TOLD so I wasn't shocked every time someone said "Oh Chris told me." But then at least he saved me from being the one to have to say it, but still!

I fucking hate Tewwwwsdays!! I am not equipped to handle this kind of shit! ESPECIALLY not while at work!

Ocean's of Thought

I don't know what I want to say. I know I want to write, but I don't know what I want to say. I feel kind of confused today. Well, actually, I've felt kind of confused all weekend. I had a really good weekend, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I'm cloaked in some kind of fog right now.

A good point was raised today...regarding this new life I'm leading...The hardest part about the whole breakup is going to be when one of us starts dating again. When those words were uttered, that's when I felt my stomach drop out and a gnawing feeling began. Now my mind swing-sways back and forth on the issue.

It's a scary thing to think about. Because I know it's going to break my heart if/when he does find someone new, even though it shouldn't. But I really think that anyone who truly loved someone, regardless of their current situation (say they had begun dating someone by then too), would feel a stab of pain. But that's just me. That's just how my mind works.

I don't know. I need to find some kind of hobby. Friends and I talked about a bowling league, but like me, no one is ready to commit to something like that. And yes, I do dinner with my friends during the week. But I need something that's done away from the house (one that doesn't cost a lot). That's where the 2nd job would have come in handy...However I don't want all my free time allotted for.

Ohhh lord. My mind is just an ocean of thought. Waves of emotion keep crashing and at times I feel like my sanity is being dragged out with the current. But I have to keep swimming...that's all I can do. Sink or swim. I just hope I have the strength to keep up with it all and not lose myself beneath the surface.

Did I Bring on The Bad Juju??

This is going to sound crazy, but oh well. Do you ever wonder if you accidentally sabotaged yourself or your relationship by doing stupid little things that somehow triggered bad juju? For example...I used to have PIN numbers and passwords that were from me specifically--ya know, about something strictly dealing with me, not anyone else. But then I'd be dating someone and things would be progressing nicely and I'd change them to be reflective of our anniversary or nickname. However, it seems that when those changes were made (not just in the most recent relationship, but in ones past as well) that things started going wonky and the waters began getting rough.

I tried to tell myself I was crazy and stupid for even kinda believing that, but it's just interesting. Like seriously, the second I changed a password to be a special little thing between us, we started getting snippy and arguing. And in the back of my mind, I kept thinking OMG, is this because of me???

And then I'm forced to wonder is it that I was so worried about negative energies and karma that I actually brought them upon myself? Or does using them really bring on crap? I have no clue if any of this made any sense, but it's something that's been on my mind for a while and I felt I had to get it out there...

Song of the Night

I Dreamed a Dream

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Mistake of the Night

I made a mistake tonight. A big mistake. I started going through boxes and sorting out things to store away. And in those boxes I found cards, notes and the book I wrote for our 1 year anniversary. I made the mistake of reading that book, and as I did, I cried. I cried until I had no tears left, then continued on.

I keep telling myself that it's better this way. That we are happier this way. But it doesn't ease the pain the way I wish I would. I look back at pictures of how happy we once were. I remember the feelings, the thoughts, the dreams we had...and it's so hard knowing now, that none of those dreams will come true.

I wanted so badly for us to work, so damn badly! Four years is a long time, moons and memories and feelings...It's so hard accepting that all those are now just memories themselves, things of the past.

I try and stop myself from looking through everything, but I can't help it. Some days are easier than others, and I can honestly say, the past week has been harder than I ever dreamed. The house feels so empty...So empty it's almost suffocating. But I keep telling myself...one day at a time. If that's too much to take on, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time.

They say time heals all wounds...It's just the waiting part that gets me...

Sad realization

I just realized something this morning while I was working out...In the workout I do, there's a series of kicks and punches you go through. I've conditioned myself to thinking of someone I hate when I punch. Conditioned to the point where I had a couple people I'd always cycle through and not give it a second thought. But today while I was doing them, I started focusing/thinking about who I was punching at...and I realized I was imagining myself. :-(

Damn Mondays!

Sweet Jesus! What a day today! It was not one of the better, I'm sad to report. I don't know if it's because utilities were put in my name so this break-up is actually...like, real? I don't know. It's just like one thing after another after another that kept hitting me. Ridiculous!

But I am home now. Making dinner. Enjoying a glass of red wine and a clean house. New sheets are in the wash machine. The new shoe organizer is hung and ready to go. Whew. So glad to be home.

I really love writing. I am so grateful for the job I have. I'm just so ready for a break! Not like I have the money to play at home all the time, but I would love nothing more to be able to stay home and just do my own thing all the time. Oh well. One day :-)

It just feels so good to be home. I swore I'd go to bed early last night...that didn't happen. I'm reading a good book which I just couldn't put down. But tonight. I may have to put it down around 10pm...otherwise it's not gonna happen, lol. And I really am over-tired and not digging it. My back got jacked up, AGAIN...so I have a feeling I'll be stuck going to the chiropractor more than I'd like to. *sigh* It's hell getting old!

B-E-A-T!

Holy God. I am BEAT today. Had quite a late night, and as is the norm these days, I wasn't able to sleep in...like at ALL. So I am feeling pretty rough today. I was doing fine earlier, then around 3pm, the wall just hit me head-on, FULL FORCE. OOF!

I think it's going to be quite an early night tonight, which is fine with me, because I don't really have anything I need to do. All the yard work is done. I did a bunch of painting. I cleaned floors and rooms. I reorganized some closets. And I did laundry. All the chores are out of the way and I very much look forward to bed time. But I need to hold out a while longer or I worry I'll be up much too early for my liking (early than the usual 5am).

Definitely need to get a TV for the bedroom. Hulu just doesn't cut it for me when I want to watch TV in bed. And I worry that I'll fall asleep with the laptop on the bed and then it'll go crashing down and I'll be really S.O.L.

Goal of the week is to hop back on the healthy eating train and reestablish a workout routine. I did great last week, it's just that weekends take their toll on me. Too much weekend can just be way too much.

Que sera. At least I kept myself busy and wore myself out.

1 Month Today

It's been a month today since we broke up. It doesn't feel like it's been a month...sometimes it feels longer, other times it feels shorter. Regardless, it's still almost hard to wrap my mind around.

I was clipping coupons (like I always do) and kept cutting out boy HBC ones...and then it dawned on me that I'm not going to be buying those anymore. It kinda got to me. But then I took a deep breath and smiled and thought back on the good times. That helped me get through it.

I have a new bed now. A new mattress too. It's quite comfy. I'm glad to be back in the master bedroom. I just need to get a TV now...because at night when I'm in there alone, I start to think too much. But I'm doing good. I'm being strong.

There are times when my mind takes over though...where I start wondering things I don't want to know the answers to (because with my luck they'd be what I am most "afraid" of). So I just try and shrug them off and go on with my day. Sometimes it's easy...other times it's almost impossible, but I'm just taking it one day at a time. Because that's all I can do.

I still can't believe it's been a month. 5 weeks ago we were together...4 weeks ago we weren't. Mind-blowing...

Holy Crazy Realization!!!

Ok. So I looked back at my first post ever...August 30, 2004. It's insane because I was writing about the same things I'm writing about now (kinda). I was definitely more poetic then...But it's just interesting to look back.

Can we say rough patch week?

Hit another rough patch in the healing process...and that is the emotional aspect of it. I feel like he's being so much stronger than I am, and it's driving me nuts. Because I am trying so hard! And not to say that he should hold on or be holding on...I feel like it, "we," whatever, is just so far removed from his mind...It kinda hurts.

I don't know what I want. I see his inspirational quotes and I want to have them or believe them...but it's so hard for me. It's like it's not in my nature to fall into the "it'll get better" bullshit. I certainly don't want to sound like I'm trying to say he should suffer like I suffer (because that is WAY over-dramatic and I "suffer" is way too heavy of a word) but it'd be nice to know that the break still effects him...that it still stings a little. I feel like he is just so over it...and here I am, every time someone figures it out it feels like it's happening all over again.

*Sigh* I know it will get easier. I know I'm still adjusting to being...dare I say it, single. The word just feels so strange rolling off my tongue. But it will get better. I sometimes sabotage my healing by looking at old pictures...picture where you could see how happy we were together. But then I look at more recent pictures, and the glow and sparkle is gone...we just look like friends.

But on a happier note...I do feel so truly blessed that we are able to maintain that friendship. 4+ years would have been too much to lose had things ended poorly. I like knowing I still have a friend in him, and hope he knows he always will have the same with me.

And the hits just keep coming.

Ok, so it was/is inevitable. People are going to find out. People are going to talk. But seriously, I don't feel prepared/equipped to deal with any of this shit right now.

We broke up about a month ago. (Holy shit?!?!) And yes, I guess I was naive and stupid to believe that the more time that passed, the easier it would be to talk about the issue with people. But it is SO not.

He told me he let one of the women we work with know because she was being all inquisitive about driving in in the morning. I know she's going to go blabbing it to the other women here and that drives me nuts. It's no one else's fucking business! And yea, I know, I chat, dare I say "gossip" with a couple friends here about what's happening with so-and-so, but that's different, lol. I guess this is going to be the same as anything else though. I'm sure people talk behind my back constantly, I just can't let it get to me.

I'm doing good though. I guess the hardest part about coming clean with everything is that it means that we are officially, undeniably done. And yes, I know we have been, but this is the whole "acceptance" part of it. Oof. I just hate dealing with people with this stuff. Because I know I will get shitty if I have to, because it is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

Ohhhh here we go. Feisty day AHOY!

The day didn't get better...

Ok. So the day didn't really get any better. It didn't get any worse, but no better in the same. I hate days like this.

I mean, you'd think I'd be accepting of the crap. Everyone goes through it, it's just a matter of how you deal with it. BULLSHIT! I am so sick of the motivational, inspirational, "you're going to be ok" bullshit comments. Yea, I know. Time heals all wounds. Yea, I know, better place. Yea, I know, you can either fight life tooth and nail or you can accept it and just go with it. I know now, with all my years of wisdom and stuff, that the best thing to do is go with it, but it sucks!

Grrrr. Oh what a day. And there was just one thing that got me going, and I can't seem to let it go. BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I know what happened is not a secret, but I'm still not ready for people to start coming by, asking questions or consoling me. Luckily, it was a friend who did it, but I'm waiting for the gossip mill to get spinning and then have to deal with everyone else. FML.

I really need BBB to call me back. I need something to do after work. I guess I could work out after work, but I much prefer to do it in the morning. If it wasn't so damn hot I'd go for a walk, but I hate getting sweaty. So I cleaned the floors, made dinner and am sitting on the couch. Oh well. I'm supposed to chat with a friend tonight. Actually a couple friends, so that will be good.

Ohhh just want a break.

Sad Panda Kinda Day

Yikes to today. It feels off (emotionally off). I don't like it. Maybe I'm just over-tired? Maybe I'm just PMSing? I have no idea, but it's really not cool.

I don't want to be sad. I've been doing good and being strong, but I can feel sadness starting to creep in like a fog. I boxed up some pictures last night...still haven't been able to take some down. But in due time, right? Things will get harder before they get easier, I know that, I just don't like accepting that.

So yea. I'm just feeling sad today. Glum, if you will. But I'm doing my best to put on a happy face and just get through the day. Earbuds in. Hair falling over my eye. That's my diversion tactic for ignoring people and staying in my own little world. Lets see how well it works.

Week 2...

Ok. So week 2 of the whole living alone thing. It's quite bittersweet, ya know?

He came to get the rest of his stuff this weekend. It was hard. He cried. I cried. We both cried...I cried even after he left. But it is for the best...It is for the best...

This weekend has been interesting. Full of its ups and downs. But it has been ok. I mean, yea, it's been ok. I had friends over to help fill the lonely, sad times. Unfortunately, I feel like I've been emotional-eating, which is sucky. I don't want to fall into that rut. Because it is no good

I have to be up early-early tomorrow. But I don't want to go to bed. But I know staying up won't help anything but make me think too damn much. Oof.

Another Rough One...

Today is another rough day for me. I'm extremely upset. Extremely irritable. And extremely ready to get out of this funk. It sucks. I hate it. But I can't snap myself out of it.

For a while I was feeling good, accomplished, ready to take on the world. Then I got hit with a feeling that I will never get a break. Like everyone else in the world will catch hold of some awesome break, and I never will. And it's stupid and silly and immature, but it's just how I feel.

SUCK!

Great way to end my week. With a sucky attitude and a bent wookie!