Annnd today's NOT a good day

Chalk it up to PMS, lack of sleep, slight hangover (though extremely doubtful), life getting in the way of life, or just a general sense of dread, but OH MY GOD, today is NOT a good day for me.

It started off ok. I got 4 hours of sleep (ICK!)...got up to work out...and came to work. Then the money talk started (my own damn fault for bringing it up at work, but I needed to know). It just makes everything so much more difficult. Things felt fine before, now I feel like they're all sorts of off. But they're probably really not. And me being me, I over-think and over-analyze and over-brain myself to the point where I just want to break down and cry!

Why must I always do this to myself?! I mean really?! I'm just upset because I feel like everything I have ever done was just been wiped off the mind. I'm not saying I deserve a cookie or anything, but the fact that it seemed to be easily forgotten bothered me. Also the fact that it's like I didn't put anything towards anything that was taken...

I mean, I don't hold things over anyone. I try and be a very, very fair person. I try and put everyone before me or figure out ways to make the lives of the people I care about easier (even if it's not my place).

OOF. This week needs to END!

Blast from the past

Life. OMG what a crazy thing it is. Just as I was settling into the ho hum, sad, wtf am I going to do feeling...a friend from the past chirped me and just made my night.

It's amazing what old-time conversations will do. It's also amazing just how many people seem to be going through the same situation at the same time. He too is having issues with the one he loves, and it breaks my heart to hear that he's going through it too. But we're able to bounce thoughts, inspirations, motivations and just fun random thoughts off each other, that help take away the sting a little bit.

WOW. I just can't get over this. It's so nice to have someone that I haven't spoken to in ages, be there and pop up just when I need a familiar voice. He even said himself he's so glad I was online, because he needed a familiar "voice" to talk to, to reason with.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Life, what a crazy ball of wax!

I Survived The Night

Well, I did it. I survived night 1 of being alone and came out relatively unscathed. It was harder than I anticipated though. Like I was ok until it came to be 8:30pm or 9:00pm and I started to get tired. And I realized I wouldn't be sharing a bed...I wouldn't be sleeping in the master bedroom...I wouldn't have that safe feeling that I had grown accustomed to.

I was hoping to fall asleep early, but that didn't happen. Even though I was dead-tired, I tossed and turned and cried for a while. And even when I fell asleep, it wasn't restful or peaceful.

But I made it. And will do it again, and again and again...until it feels normal (which I hope will be sooner than later). It still sucks though. And yes, I know that feeling will subside over time and once I get into my own routine, things will feel a little more normal and like I'm making headway with my "new" life...but until then, I foresee many the sleepless, unrestful nights where my mind just doesn't turn off.

Day 1 of the new life...

Here we go. Day 1 of the whole new life. It's kinda strange yet exhilerating. Scary but exciting. I seesaw between the emotions. I downright broke down and bawled for a little while, then I got tough and said ENOUGH!

But it's so much easier said than done to be strong. I mean there was a big ass thunderstorm earlier, and I laughed to myself, because when it storms at night and the thunder or lightning startles me awake...I used to curl up next to him and he'd sooth me and calm me down...no one's here to do that now...

I got home from camping and mowed the lawn all by myself. First time ever. Of course I lost the damn lawnmower key the 2nd time I emptied the bag...but I made it with the pull start. I feel very proud of myself. I came in, showered and hung with my bff for a while. After he left, I took to cleaning all the stuff on the floor of my room...organized a bit...broke down...regrouped...and finished up. I feel much accomplished now.

But I still feel kind of off. Like nothing feels real yet. Maybe it'll hit when I sleep in the spare bedroom tonight? I really need to get a new bedroom set STAT. There's actually a zillion things I "need" STAT....but we shall see. I need to get finances in order first. Might be refinancing the mortgage...we shall see.

But yea. So this is my life. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. I don't know what of. Perhaps going it alone? The finance thing I know I can handle...but it's the whole not sharing my life with someone that gets me. No one to snuggle up to at night. No one to hug and kiss. No one to tell me I'm beautiful and they love me (but in more than the platonic way).

One day at a time though. Just got to take it one day at a time.

Bittersweet...

Well. It is official. He's moving out this weekend. I'll be camping...which is good and bad. More good than bad. I won't be there to get emotional...he'll be able to do his thing without seeing me and getting emotional. It's just so scary to think/realize I'm going to come home to an empty house...I'm going to be alone.

Last night when I was falling asleep, I was listening to his heart beat (like I always do/did), but this time it sounded clearer. It was so strange. And for a split second I thought to myself "OMG, this could be the last time the steady beat lulls you to sleep." I didn't know then, but how right I was.

It was so hard this morning. I thought he left for work without saying goodbye...because I heard the garage go up and the screen door slam. Being over-dramatic me, I threw my water cup in the sink and was ready to storm into the bathroom to get ready for work...then I heard the door open, and he said he wouldn't be there when I got back.

I know this is for the best. I get it. But it's not easy to handle. I don't know how to live without him. I don't mean I'm incapable of functioning, but I don't know how to live without hearing his voice before bed, having a chest to rest my head on as I fall asleep, having my hunny there for me...Yes, he'll always be there for me, and me for him...but you know what I mean.

This is just all so surreal. It's hard to believe and accept. But again, it's for the best. I told him this morning that this wasn't supposed to happen, and he agreed...but it did. Better friends than lovers I guess? Ha! I never thought I'd utter that phrase.

Such a bittersweet, symphony this life...

Tequila Kinda Day

Today is one of those days I really want to take with a big ole' shot of tequila. It started out ok...aside from being tired. But then within like an hour it just started feeling like it was going to shit. Which made me sad...and I hate those kinds of days. Ya know?

It's so hard trying to be strong and tough all the time. I never realized how difficult it could be. But I keep trudging on. There's no alternative. I MUST remain strong. There are no other options at this point.

*Sigh*

Add another one to the list

Add a new song to the play list...I took a run this morning and the ONLY song in my head was "How Do I Live (Without You)" by Leanne Rimes. Ooof. That made for a rough start to my day.

I know things are going to be tough for a while. I know that some days will be easier than others. I know that it's always darkest before the dawn, that falling stars will land where they're meant to and that everything happens for a reason...but it's just so hard believing half of those motivational/inspirational thoughts. Ya know?

Yea, I get it. Things are going to be ok for the both of us, but it's just the whole getting to that point that's tough to deal with. *Sigh*

Quickie

Well...Kinda feeling ballsy and braven tonight. Let's see how far this gets me. Scared on one hand...excited on another. OOF. Not quite sure.

I know I keep saying it...but life is such a crazy ball of wax. So insane. So strange. So exciting. So fear-filled. Aye aye aye!

A post before bed

It's 2am and I'm not tired yet. I should be though. But I want to write...though I don't know what I want to say.

Life is just so surreal. Such a crazy ball of wax. I have no idea how to proceed with anything. How to act. How to be. But I guess that's kinda a lie. Because I can truthfully say that I am just being me. The little things I do are just because that is how I am. I'm not forcing anything or trying to act any certain way, I'm just doing what I think is right (even if I have to mull over it for like 20 minutes and hem and haw over if I should do it).

Wow...I can't seem to formulate a complete thought. Perhaps I am more tired than I thought I was. That could be.

I dunno. Nothing feels real yet. Nothing seems right. I want to say "I love you." I want to give a kiss. But I don't know if that's acceptable or not. Oof. I don't want to make things harder, but it hurts my heart to hold it in...Kinda like a gas bubble. Hehehe, what an analogy, lol.

Stuck on repeat

Oof. Ok so I have like 3 songs stuck on repeat in my head. Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone," Shinedown's "If You Only Knew," and Pink's "Please Don't Leave Me." OMG it's like auto-repeat. Once one finishes (or at least the chorus)then the next one picks up! Talk about heart-breaking. Then of course I heard Already Gone on the radio this morning and (coinkydink) was up at 4:03am because he was in the shower and I couldn't sleep...OOF I SAY!

I know things will get easier, but why is it when you're sad it's like EVERY song out there pertains to your situation? I mean really. It's like you can make anything fit your current mood or situation. I get it, it's just a product of the human mind and a way it searches for comfort or solace but COME ON!!!

1st Reality Smack

So there's a part of me that is just an unrelenting masochist...and it's pretty annoying right now! I keep looking back over old blog posts or at old emails and I get sad. But I shouldn't be sad, because those were WONDERFUL times. I guess I just miss them...those feelings...that way...the old days...whatever.

But such is life. We live and love, right? It's just been such a rough couple of days. To be expected, I know. But still just so freaking surreal.

Had the first realization that I'm officially out of his circle of friends, which is understandable (I'm not denying that) but it was my first major slap of reality. A member of the "wives" club mentioned that he told her while she was inviting him to her hubby's birthday party...and that she wishes me luck with the transition she hopes to talk to me from time to time... Again, I totally understand, it's just a little hard to take in. Not like we were super-duper close and I talked to her all that much, but it's just....yea...

I know this is only to get worse before it gets better...but at least I know that it will get better, right?

One day at a time

*Sigh* I am having a very not-so-motivated day. I've done a bunch of stuff. Went to church, breakfast with the rents, watched a movie, went to Target...but I should be doing more. I feel like I'm wasting my day by just sitting here, but I really just don't feel like doing anything. I am feeling a bit gunky and gross though, so at least I can chalk it up to that, right?

I broke down in church today. Didn't mean to, but did. Luckily I didn't get all sobbing-mess of a person or I would have felt embarrassed. But Amazing Grace was sung and everything just hit me all at once. But I recovered. I still feel really confused and upset but normal. It's quite strange.

There are good moments and bad moments. It's totally to be expected and I know that. We just have to get through the initial shock... and then the shock wear-off and then we'll be golden. This is all still so new and so fresh...oof. Oof is all I can say.

A Lesson in Love

I've learned many lessons over the years. Some easy, some hard, but they were lessons all the same. The most recent lesson I have learned is that as long as you love someone with all your heart, you will have no regrets.

Yes, I know, there are some regrets, the whole "coulda, woulda, shoulda," but I (we) know we gave it our all--and could do no more.

These next few months, weeks, days, hell, even hours will be trying. There are good moments and there are heart-wrenching painful moments, but everything happens. Whether it happens for a reason or just because it happens, I do not know. But I know it does.

There's a long road ahead for both of us. We were supposed to make that journey together, as one. But we can't. We must each do it on our own, but we're not alone. We have each other to lean on along the way, to help reassure each other that this is right.

We are friends. The best of friends. And after all that is happened, I couldn't ask for anything more than that. One day at a time...one day at a time...

Let the blogging commence...

I don't know how to live without him. I know we still have "us" but we're not US anymore. I don't know what to do. It's all too new. Too fresh. It doesn't seem real to me. Like I woke up thinking it was a bad dream...hoping it was a bad dream. And it's not. This is the reality we live in. But we're both strong. We still love each other, but now on a different level. A stronger level, but a different one all together.

It's really weird not IM'ing just random things. It's hard not acting like the us we were yesterday. It's hard not acting like I know how to act. It's this whole new thing I am so unsure of. And I know I can't or shouldn't but I keep wondering if this is right. We were supposed to make it! We were supposed to have our happy ever after! And yes, maybe we still will. It's just all so fresh and new. I don't think it will get to the point of acceptance for a long time...

I just want to run up to him and hug him and have him kiss my forehead and tell me everything will be OK. And by OK I mean that we as in US will be ok. Not that we're going to be ok in the sense of both he and I...OOF. OOF I SAY.

Day 1...

I'm so numb right now. I'm so numb and so scared. My heart hurts, but I know this is for the best. We gave it our all. We did EVERYTHING we could do...so there's no looking back and thinking anything less. We gave it our all and MORE...but I guess sometimes that just isn't what is needed. Can't force a dream...can't make someone into someone they're not. And the only way to find out is if you take a chance, right? Right...Regardless...this is going to be a long-ass day. I love him and always will, but just because two people love each other doesn't mean they're meant to be together. I'll always love him...

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Oh God. It's happening again. I can feel it. And I hate it.

I feel so sad. So confused. So blech! I HATE IT!!!! I have no good reason to either. But I do. I feel like I just want to cry. I just want to go away for a while. I just want my life to work itself out like it should. And it hasn't. And it isn't. And it feels like it never will.

I feel this huge disconnect...and it breaks my heart. Am I just floating through life? Have I grown to be content being complacenet? What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just say what I want to say. Do what I want to do. Be who I want to be...without feeling like a traitor or imposter to myself? Every time I feel like I am catching a break, it's like I wake up from a dream and nothing has changed...everything was all in my head.

I'm tired of being unhappy. But I don't know how to change that. I don't know what it is (exactly) that is making it so. I have my guesses, but none seem to be right. And even if they are, there doesn't seem to be a way to fix or change them.

Christ, it's like I'm talking myself in circles. Everyone's all "you know what you want, go get it" HA! FUCK THAT! There's a lot I want to do or change but it's not that easy. And whoever claims it to be is a freakin liar.

I just want to feel: truly happy. loved. accepted. special. right. not wrong. like everythign is/will be ok. not confused. not scared. not spiteful or hateful of others. Like I can say what I feel and not fear the repercussions. I just want to feel like me.

Ohhh cue the bummin'

Man. Busy, busy, busy am I. Work + 3 personal blogs + writing for an entertainment site = hella-wicked busy girl.

I'm feeling kind of sad today. I feel like I'm disconnected from life. I feel like I'm stuck in some kind of void, like I'm just floating through life. I heard a quote today about the fun being in the journey, not necessarily arriving at the destination. The problem is I don't feel like I'm enjoying the journey. Always wondering. Always wandering-lost in my mind. I'm just so confused.

I don't know if it's just that time of the month or if it's the lunar cycle or what, but whatever it is, I don't like it. It's like I don't feel happy or something. Like I'm donning a smile just to do it.

*Sigh* I hate feelings like this :-(