The Great Wait Ends at 3pm....

Ok, so the great wait turned into an even greater wait, seeing as how we had to reschedule for Thursday (today). So the time is set, but I'm getting slightly annoyed at the "so are we still meeting today?" DUH! Have plans changed that I am unaware of? And perhaps it's just his way of being casual about all this but SERIOUSLY?! I know I'm neurotic but this overly nervous, just checking-just checking thing is getting a bit much.

Perhaps it's another thing I will need to add to my list of stuff to talk about. Paranoia is never a good thing. And everyone gets it to a point, but even a hair past that point makes everything go all wonky and weird. Can't deal with that.

And this is where I start over-thinking and go into self-doubt mode. Are these signs? Am I ignoring a gut feeling? Whatever it is and regardless of the outcome, we NEED to have this talk and at least get everything straightened out and talked out so we can be at least in the same chapter, if not on the same page. *sigh*

Ok, now my nerves are kicking in. BAH!

The Great Wait

Well...tomorrow is the day. The day I will find out what EXACTLY is going on. The day we talk...TALK-TALK and try and figure things out. Are they repairable? Has too much happened? Is there a chance for a round 2? Have we missed the boat? Oh it's so exciting and scary all in one.

I need to keep myself in check. I need to remember WHY we're at this point we're at now. What led up to it. What happened to make it so.

Right now, I cannot lie, I am hoping beyond all hope we can work something out. There's been something deep inside me that has been telling me not to let it go...to try and work it out and I really hope there is a conclusion we can both come to to suffice us both. I know I am willing to give him what I was hesitant about giving him before...because I figured out what my issues were (and they were stupid). Now to just find out if he's willing to give me what I was missing...If there's a chance for us...

Ohhh can I even sleep tonight and wait all day tomorrow!?? Guess I'm going to have to. No other choice but to bide my time....

Me. Me. Me.

Life...Life is amazing.

Through all the good times, the bad, the turmoil, the excitement...it's just utterly amazing. Tonight, I don't know what happened. But tonight I just got an overwhelming feeling of "yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssss".

I think I hit the point where I know that the way for ME to be happy is for ME to start living my life for ME. Yes, it's a me, me, me thing.

I've always tried to live in such a way that I make everyone else happy. Even at the expense of my own happiness. But I realized that everyone will be happy for me if I do what will make ME happy...even if they don't agree with it, even if they don't agree with me, they will be happy knowing that I am moving forward how I want to.

And yea, I know, it's a "no duh" kind of revelation, but it makes me feel good. The road ahead is definitely going to be bumpy. I know I'm going to second guess myself (as I ALWAYS do) but at least I am getting back that final piece of "me" that I have been missing.

Continue the drama....

Well, I done it again! Over-complicated this thing I call a life!

He told me he still loves me. He told me he still cares about me and hasn't stopped. Totally made me cry at work, lol. But everything was so whirlwinded before, could it ever slow to a comfortable pace? There IS only one way to find out...but do I want to find out? Or is ignorance bliss? Am I playing with fire?

These are just some of the questions I fall asleep thinking about on a nightly basis.

Monday Drama...COMMENCE

FUCK. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK.

There. I said it. I got it all out. BAH! Why? Why am I doing this? Why am I feeling this way? Of course I swing back around because I realize I "legitimately" miss him. But why? Do I miss the attention? The feeling he gave me? Is it because he is seeing someone new and I can't stand that? I don't know. And then he asks if I miss hanging out--well of course I do. But what does it matter now?

Part of me feels I was trying to protect my heart so much and think through everything (something old-me would NEVER have done) that I botched it all up.

I guess I feel a weight lifted...I guess. I mean, whatever it was it is over. He has moved on. I did tell him the whole pressuring us to move forward faster really turned me off and made me want to step back. And his turning "psycho" didn't help...I need to remember that. Because I think I am shoving the bad away and only focusing on the good. Which I must stop doing...

Am I just missing him because it's Christmas time? Because this is the first year I won't have someone to ring in the New Year with? Is it because I miss the sound of his voice saying "I love you" (though it was said pretty damn early). FUCK. I am totally blaming mother nature!!! My hormones are all wonky and I just want to cry. I think it might happen at some point today. *sigh*

All I know is this is going to turn harder before it turns easier. And that's not cool. And of course, I am listening to songs on repeat, yet again. Not lovey dovey songs, just songs I can't help but hit repeat to. We shall see...it's gonna be quite a day today...

Another song on repeat...

Grenade: Bruno Mars
(It seriously reminded me of him the first time I heard it...now I can't make it stop)

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss, Had your eyes wide open -
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same

No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I'm numb Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you're from
Mad woman, bad woman,
That's just what you are, yeah,
You’ll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car
Gave you all I had


And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same

If my body was on fire, ooh You’ d watch me burn down in flames You said you loved me you're a liar Cause you never, ever, ever did baby...
But darling I’ll still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same.
No, you won’t do the same,
You wouldn’t do the same,
Ooh, you’ll never do the same,
No, no, no, no

Life takes a bittersweet turn

Well, I guess too little, too late, eh? No, that's not it. Perhaps bittersweet is a better way of putting it. As with many things in life, I make an executive decision...then I kind of want to renege on such executive decision and I can't, or things change and there's no way to.

His status is now listed as "in a relationship." Congratulations to him. This is a good thing. But it kinda stings, I won't lie about that. But everything happens for a reason...I mean, this could be a whole bunch of things. A sign to stop "second-guessing" myself or my decision. Proof that he's crazy. A game with him trying to make me jealous. *sigh* I guess it's better this way.

But it still sucks! Now I guess I'll shift to the jealousy phase of all this. Man, boys drive me crazy! This is one part of the "chase" or the "hunt" or whatever the hell this stage is called that I really didn't miss. But again, it all happens for a reason. At least I can stop driving myself nuts over him, right? Maybe?...

Annnnd flip the mind switch back...

FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK. That's all I gotta say about this. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

As much as I say I'm over something, how is it I end up feeling differently? I mean, yea, it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind, I get that. But why must I start feeling a change of heart after I get tough on myself and come to a "conclusion"? I don't get it. Bah!

It might just be the attention thing. I dunno. I do know that regardless of what or how things transpire I am still not ready for anything more than a friendship, so at least i have that to fall back on. However, the whole flirty-flirty thing may paint a different picture of me in other people's eyes?

BAH. Back to being confused. HA such is life.