Monday Drama...COMMENCE

FUCK. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK.

There. I said it. I got it all out. BAH! Why? Why am I doing this? Why am I feeling this way? Of course I swing back around because I realize I "legitimately" miss him. But why? Do I miss the attention? The feeling he gave me? Is it because he is seeing someone new and I can't stand that? I don't know. And then he asks if I miss hanging out--well of course I do. But what does it matter now?

Part of me feels I was trying to protect my heart so much and think through everything (something old-me would NEVER have done) that I botched it all up.

I guess I feel a weight lifted...I guess. I mean, whatever it was it is over. He has moved on. I did tell him the whole pressuring us to move forward faster really turned me off and made me want to step back. And his turning "psycho" didn't help...I need to remember that. Because I think I am shoving the bad away and only focusing on the good. Which I must stop doing...

Am I just missing him because it's Christmas time? Because this is the first year I won't have someone to ring in the New Year with? Is it because I miss the sound of his voice saying "I love you" (though it was said pretty damn early). FUCK. I am totally blaming mother nature!!! My hormones are all wonky and I just want to cry. I think it might happen at some point today. *sigh*

All I know is this is going to turn harder before it turns easier. And that's not cool. And of course, I am listening to songs on repeat, yet again. Not lovey dovey songs, just songs I can't help but hit repeat to. We shall see...it's gonna be quite a day today...