The sun'll come out???

I'm annoyed. Go figure, right? Just very totally annoyed. And the sucky thing is that annoyance isn't going to go away for a while because, well, change doesn't happen over night, right? Screw that noise. I just don't get it.

I hate being irritated. Especially when I'm irritated with myself. Because I can't escape myself. If I was mad at my boyfriend or best friend or anyone, at least I could just leave and get away from them and try to forget what annoyed me. But when I'm annoyed at myself, there is nowhere to run to and nowhere to hide. I am stuck, with no escape. And I can't turn my mind off soooooo I'm screwed.

OOF!

I had a talk with a friend today about living for the moment or living for the day and not always looking to tomorrow for a better day. But it's hard. It's so much easier to think ahead and slough off the todays...damnit.

Finding an old journal...

I seriously need to lay off reading old journals. But it's so strange and coinkydink how things come back into your life at the moment you're thinking about them (kinda).

So my dad dropped off a bunch of boxes at my house today that had stuff from my room. There was a journal I must have forgotten to pack in the journal box when I moved. So I opened it up and made it through about 20 pages...and they all deal with what I've been thinking about this past week! How crazy!

This Journal is the one that has about 3 years worth of craziness in it because there were long spells of no writing. But still, reading it kinda got me choked up and a little upset inside. I wish I had the emotions and feelings I had then. I know I can't wish life away or try and get back the past, but I can't help it! I read and remember that EXACT feeling and thought! It's so weird--almost like it was just yesterday.

Man, I seriously wish to get back way too much of the past I think...Why couldn't I feel the way I do about it now, then?!? I guess that's kinda like "if I knew then what I know now" huh? OOF.

OOF I say!!!

I prayed today...

I planned to go to the bank on lunch today and come right back to the office, but wound up going to the bank and then ending up at St. John's Cathedral.

The lights were off inside the church, but I saw the prayer candles were lit, so decided to go in. It was there that I knelt and prayed.

I can honestly say I have never gone to church on a non-Sunday just to pray, but today I just had the urge to go talk things out. I'm not one for bible beating, nor am I one to be all "Praise the Lord, Hallelujah" 24/7. However it just felt goo to be there and talk. And that is what I did. I talked.

I had my eyes closed for a while, and when I opened them, the lights were on. The organist was practicing (which was actually pretty cool to listen to). The best thing was, I was the only person there. There were a couple people who went to the prayer candles, but they left shortly after. So for about 15 minutes, I had the whole place to myself. Quite a reverent feeling I must say. And I will admit, after I left, I did feel a whole lot better. Maybe I'll have to try that tomorrow...

I've Been Thinking About You...

I dreamed about you last night. Is that ok? After so long? After so much has changed in life? I can't help but fear why now. Why now? What is about my life right now that is making me dream of you--when I haven't in so long? I miss you. I miss the good ole days. I miss the fun times. I miss it all. But why now? Why after so long are all these memories flooding? What good can they actually bring me!? Yes, they make me smile, but then they make me bleed in side. Like paper cuts to my heart and mind.

You looked good--exactly how I remember you to look. You felt the same too. Smelled the same. Sounded the same. Hugged the same. Everything the same. But nothing is the same. So many things have changed.

It hurts looking at pictures. It hurts remembering. It hurts knowing how many things were left unsaid...and while they could be said now, nothing would/can change. Nothing at all. It's almost like life's having a good ole laugh in my favor. Not cool!

And I can't help but wonder... Is it possible that you still think of me? Can you? Do you?

I'm so confused. So scared. So upset. I wish I could tell someone everything and that they could give me an answer as to why. Why, Why, WHY?!? But no one can. Everyone can offer an opinion, but no one can give me the answer I need. Stuck in a mental world of limbo and there is NO escape in sight. Like I said before, it's like I've been sucked into a vortex of darkness that I cannot escape.

Emotions Running High

Oh my god. What the hell is up with this lunar cycle!? I mean I seriously feel like I could break down and cry at the drop of a hat. I've been having dreams about people who are long gone (both in death and in life). And recalling the dreams I just want to close my eyes and get back there. I want to know more! I want to converse more! I want to say the things I should have said. To do the things I should have done. To find out answers to the things that are (and forever will be) a mystery to me.

Why are these people coming back? Why are these feelings coming back? Why?!?!

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm not so much a fan of this feeling. (Un)fortunately, the sadness actually makes me feel the way I used to, lol. Like I'm returning to myself, haha. That's so sick and sad to say. But it really is how I feel. I mean feeling the way I do REALLY takes me back to the college years (namely senior year). And things will get better, I know that, but it's like being sucked into a vortex of darkness and seeing the only escape getting farther and farther away.

Oye vey I say. I'm not even pms'ing! That's another unfortunate thing--because at least I could write it off on a crazy hormonal imbalance. But that's not the case...

OOF.

Ohhh the short-lived motivations...

So it hit me again today. That whole woosh of motivation that makes me want to get off my ass and DO stuff!

I WANT to go back to school!
I Want to lose 20lbs!
I WANT to get a tattoo or another piercing!
I WANT to plan a vacation and have something to look forward to.
I WANT to say fuck all this uncertainty and just play a card or make a move!
I WANT to get back to me again!!!

But how. How do I do that?? I have no idea. These wooshes of excitement are so short-lived. Like they last me a whole 5 hours and WHAM, they are gone. The back to school or vacation "wants" are my two impulse ones where I am seriously on the verge of just pulling the trigger...but then good ole left brain starts freaking out and I realize I really don't have the money to do either. BLECH!

What is it with these Sunday revelations? I mean, where or why do they hit on Sundays? I guess I just need to bite the bullet and do something for myself, right? Maybe even if it's as simple as dying my hair or changing my look? I think I just need some kind of change or something to look forward to to get me out of this rut of blechness!

Random thoughts, ahoy!

Life is scary right now. Fuck scary. It is absolutely frightening. Why? Why you may ask? Because my mind is going in freaking overdrive. I feel like I am failing at this grand, old thing called life. And I don't know why. I have a great life. A great house. A great everything. But I feel like such a freaking failure.

Do you ever have those moments where all of a sudden you are just MOTIVATED!?!? Like WHAM! I am gonna stick to this diet and workout plan! I am gonna go back to school in the fall! I am gonna speak my mind more and not be scared to be myself! Hehe, too bad those feelings are short-lived and rarely last past day 2...LOL.

Did you ever wonder what if you didn't do that one thing, where your life would be? Like I wonder what if I Ryan would have asked me out before Mark (waaaaayyyy back in high school). Where would life have taken me? Or what if I HAD gone right into Spanish my freshman year of college(like I should have). Where would I be today?

I wish I could see me the way other people see me. Like when someone says "you're beautiful," don't you ever wonder what that means? Do I have a glow? Is it like Shallow Hal where even if you're chubby or ugly, if you have a good heart and soul, people see you as this gorgeous creature?

Pauley Shore...Pauley Shore was on TMZ! I love that guy! So glad he still seems all Pauley-rific!

Am I as bad a person as I think I am? Or is that just me being too hard on myself?

Folgers commercials always get me. I mean, the Christmas one where the brother who's in the army comes home and the little sister is all geeked makes me smile. The one where the daughter comes down her dad is giving her "guff" until she shows him her engagement ring gets me even more. One day that will be me...One day....

It scares me that I'm scared to talk to my friends.

It's so strange how text code has made itself comfy into everyday life. Like even when verbally speaking somone, I tend to throw in "BRB" or I "LOL'd for real" or something else. How weird is that? I mean it takes just about the same time to say "be right back" or "I laughed out loud for real". Ya know?

Man...Brain's in overdrive. Can ya tell?