Annnd blech.

Did you ever hit the point in your life where you're ready to give up? Kinda silly, but I hit that point. I'm ready to just throw in the towel.I'm tired of feeling guilty, sad, ugly, unhappy, icky, blech, all of the above. I'm just tired of it. I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. Such a sick, sad day.

But why. I hate to crazy-karma it, but I kinda attribute it to my whole trying to get back to the way it once was. Trying to get back to the me I once was. Because that me was WAY enveloped in the sad, morose, bummer, death side of life. And as much as I don;t want to be that way, I totally felt more like myslf when I was like that. Is that wrong?

No, It's not. It's me. That's how I roll. So I guess I should either stop trying to get back to the way I was, or accept the way it will be. Eh?

Happy Birthday Dad!

Well. Today's his birthday...would have been his birthday? I miss him a lot. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him, about all the good times we had. I wish he was still here, but I know he's in a better place, and at least I can see him in my dreams.

Happy Birthday Bill. I miss you. I love you.

Panic Attack

Holy God. I just had an actual panic attack. I haven't had a full-blown one of those in a long time! I didn't dig it. Wasn't fun. Especially because I was at work when it happened. All of a sudden something just hit me and I felt the internal freak out commence. Luckily, I've gone through this enough times before and knew what to do. So I closed my door for a few minutes and was able to calm myself down and get myself composed. OOF! That wasn't cool.

I hope this doesn't turn into a recurring thing. I really don't like feeling myself spazz. I guess I need to stay away from my triggers and then I won't get attacked. HA! I'm an idiot. DOH!

There we go...I'm getting back to "normal." I'm starting to feel a bit more like myself. Now to just keep it going. The one thing that I noticed is that as much as I HATE panic attacks...I almost felt more like my real self by having one. Like it brought back a surge of emotion and mental state that I felt comfortable with. So even though it was spazzy, I felt an inner-calm, nostalgic feeling that I kinda miss. Weird....

IT DAWNED ON ME!!!

Holy Shit! I figured it out! I figured out what the big difference is in mentality from then to now! I figured out what it is that "upsets" me so much about the now!!!!!

MYSTERY!!!

Life used to seem so fun because there was an element of mystery surrounding the future. The way things have been going for the past year or two, it's like I have my life planned out (I don't actually...I have no idea what the hell is going on with it). But like 5, 10 years ago, every tomorrow looked like a new beginning!

OMG! I am just tickled that I came to this conclusion! But now what? How do I get back that mystery (aside from by stopping myself from looking down the road and focusing on what is NOW? I'm not quite sure, but holy hell, I feel like I just had the best mental enema of the year!!!!

And it all came to me while listening to Marilyn Manson's "Lest We Forget" CD in the car this morning. And I think it's because whenever I listen to that CD, it triggers memories from the last "crazy-insane" time of my life (which I have been missing lately). I don't necessarily want to go back to the way I was, but I need to get back into that mindset. Because that is when I actually enjoyed-enjoyed life.

Lost

I feel lost. So extremely lost. The things I thought I once knew, I realize I really have no clue. The direction I saw my life headed seems to be going away from where I thought it would. And that is scary. I mean, I thought I had life figured out, but the way it has been going for the past while, I'm starting to second-guess everything. That's never a good feeling.

I don't know what to do. I know I need to stop thinking. Stop worrying. Stop trying to look far down the road and actually just focus on my next step. But I have never been good at that. I guess the sad thing is that lately, even looking far down the road, I don't know what I see.

I used to pride myself on my self-assuredness. I used to pride myself on my strength and resiliency. But those have escaped me for some reason. I don't know if it's age or just prior life experiences that make me feel this way, but I can;t seem to get them back. I think the "problem" is I also care a lot more about other peoples' feelings than I did back then. And I know that anything that changes now is going to change EVERYTHING I know...Oof.

2010--Not a good vintage

Ya know what comment I cannot stand?? "Your time will come." I hate that comment. It makes me feel like I suck or that I'm less of a person or human being. Blech.

So little things are getting to me more than usual. Little things. But I can't complain about them because unless they are said with a true heart, then they're not worth being said at all.

I'd like to hear that I'm "beautiful the way I am," or I "don't need to change a damn thing about me," or, oh I don't know, maybe just to hear more about the future? Not about the little shit like what we're gonna do in the basement or outside or inside, but maybe about life?? Marriage?!! Family?! Throw me a freakin' bone or something!

I need to stop focusing on that and actually turn my attention towards something else...perhaps like my entrepreneurial endeavor idea. That could be a good distraction that will lead towards better things...I hope...

Oof...Here we go again...

I had a dream that was action-packed full of passion last night. I almost didn't want to wake up from it. The feeling was just so intense and amazing and I felt this awesome sense of love. It was so cool.

Life's been kind of scary lately. I haven't been sleeping very well because I have had a million things on my mind. And of course I can never fully chill with any of them.

I've been doing a lot of "what if" thinking (which is NEVER a good thing). And it's not just the typical, old-school "what if" I had done something thinking. It's futuristic "what if" stuff too. Like what if XXXX happens...I hate second-guessing and pre-guessing myself. Yeargh.

I think too damn much. I know that. I can't help it. That's just my nature. Over-thinking everything is what I do. And I used to be able to write to make the pain go away. I mean, writing came easy to me too! But anymore, I just can't even do it--which sucks, because that was always my outlet.

Oof. I really hope this all dies down soon...

HOLY REVELATION!

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I think I have hit a revolutionary turning point in my life...if not my life...perhaps my mindset...whatever.

I'm not perfect by any means, and that's ok. Yea, I'm a bit chubby. Fat, overweight, tubby, "a bit thick," however you want to refer to me as...But that's ok. Yes, I want to be a tiny little size 6 or 8...but I have NEVER been that in my LIFE! And as much as I hate to admit "defeat" I really don't consider it defeat. I consider it me accepting who I am.

It's not everyday that someone tells you you are gorgeous or hot or beautiful. But when they do...man, you just can't help but feel a woosh of happiness and pride. And it's nice to know and fully realize that the person they say that about is the person who they also felt the same way about when she was much larger.

Yes, I may not be anywhere NEAR where I want to be size-wise, but it's nice to know that no matter what, I am still loved. And I know if I stopped drinking, gave up carbs, ate a strict, regimented meal plan, I could totally be there. But why? Why give up living a fun life? I like to live and believe in the quote "Keeping one's eye on the goal does not prelude enjoying the surroundings."

One day I will be married. One day I will have children. But since neither of those will happen anytime soon--I might as well enjoy the life I have, right? Live it like no other.

I hope this feeling and woosh of personal-adrenaline lasts longer than one night...because if it does, I know I will be well on my way back to getting back the girl I once was and the girl I long to be.

Damnit Tewwwwsday!

Today is not my day. It hasn't been my day since the get-go. It has been iffy and hairy and I do NOT like it. That being said, I am now in an EXTREMELY shitty mood and I just want to go home and have a big ole glass of red wine. Now that would cheer me up.

I hate money. I hate not having money. I hate bills. I hate the fact that just when I think I'm getting ahead of myself WHAM, I am shoved 8 steps back. It irritates the hell out of me. Yes I know, there's no crying over spilled milk. What's done is done, let it go and move on. But I can't. Because I know it means that yet again, I screwed up.

Grrrrr.

This is going to be a lonnnnnnnnnnnnng rest of the day. I hate feeling like this.