I am Jack's raging bile duct

That is how I feel. I feel that vile. That disgusting. That horrid.

I feel like a horrible person. And the problem is, I have every right to.

I am a bitch. I am snide. I am catty. And that is the problem, I never realized how much it hurt someone close to me. Man, that is a BIG life change I need to make. I knew it was there, and I thought I covered it well, but it's obvious that I didn't. Ouch.

I like to call tonight "Battle Royale" because I have never argued they way we did tonight. Like ever! It was scary. I have never felt so wretched in all my life. Which isn't good. But if it needs to change, it needs to change. End of story.

I said something that was way true...We're broken and I don't know how to fix it. At least that was agreed upon. Until we see eye-to-eye and agree on a solution, we never will. I hope we do soon...Because I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. But most of all, I don't want US to hurt or be broken anymore.

WTF is wrong with people?

I don't understand people. I don't understand how they can sleep knowing that they are doing things and acting in ways to purposely hurt someone close to them. It just boggles the mind. I mean, how selfish can you be that you would actually set out to TRY and hurt someone, to make them feel guilty just so you can get your way?! SHAME ON YOU!! That's all I have to say about that.

I know that when you "want to get your way" sometimes you'll say or do something to try and persuade another person, but to actually try and make them miserable and make them feel like shit just to get your away?!? WTF?! It's childish. It's selfish. It's immature. And it is just plain CRUEL.

Yes. I am very opinionated. Yes, I know that sometimes my opinions aren't welcome. And in this case, I need to keep my mouth shut because it isn't my place to speak up. But it just hurts watching someone I care about more than anything, suffer as much as they are. And knowing that there really isn't anything that I can do...that just hurts all the more.

So I guess the best thing to do is be strong, be supportive, and most of all be cool...because losing my temper over this isn't going to help anyone.

I want to remember...

I can't remember what it was like then.
I can't remember how I felt.
I can't remember how my mind worked.
I can't remember how I felt.
I can't remember if I was this neurotic.
I can't remember if I was this anal.
I can't remember if I felt this uneasy.
I can't remember if I was this nervous.
I can't remember what my temperament was like.

I can't remember but I wish I could...

I don't think I was this nervous about being open.
I don't think I felt embarrassed by the little things.
I don't think I felt like I was out of control.
I don't think I thought about questions like these.
I don't think I actually believed I was out of control.
I don't think I worried about what others would think.
I don't think I was as unstable as I feel now.

I don't think I was any of this...but maybe I was.

When I look at pictures, I get sad. I get sad because I don't necessarily miss that person or those people, I get sad because I miss the feelings I used to have. I miss not feeling embarrassed or self-conscious just for being me. I miss how they used to make me feel...which I guess made me feel the way I think I should have felt??

Am I rambling? Can anyone answer that for me?! Was I wrong? Did I err? I like to believe life happens for the reason it's meant to, but am I naive believing in that theory?!?!? What the fuck?!?!? Is it with age that all these uncertainties come about? That you second-guess theories, choices, decisions? So strange...so scary and strange...

Power of Communication

I feel closure. I feel like myself again. I feel like we can finally be the "us" we always were, but that had gotten lost for a little bit.

It's amazing what truly talking can do for a couple. I have no more doubts. I have no more reservations. I have no more hesitations.

I knew all along how strong our love was, and by actually seeing eye-to-eye and talking about what the real issues are/were, we are finally back on track to our happily ever after.

(I love you hunny)

Knowing what they feel...makes me hurt more

How are you supposed to act when the people closest to you are angry and upset for you? When you are trying to move past the issue but in the back of your mind know that though they aren't disappointed in you, they feel you are being stupid and too forgiving? I have no idea.

I'm trying my best to actually shove all this shit to the back of my head and pray that this indeed WAS the last time it'll ever happen...because if it's not...then that's the end...

I'm just so at a loss. Because I know when I look at people, though they'll put on their happy face, they'll have that pity look in their eyes for me and with the anger and disappointed look for him because yet again, I was the one whose feelings were shoved in the mud and I was the one who proved to be the "bigger person" and let all the shit fall on me...I guess it makes me wonder how I feel too...

My horoscope today said: "You just can't find the words to express what's going on in your heart -- which is highly unusual for you! It's a good day to take time off to think things through and get yourself put back together." Which is damn true. Because I can't find the words in my heart right now. When I look into his eyes, I want to cry, because I don't think he actually realizes what this has done to us, to me, to my heart. He knows I hurt. And he apologized for hurting me. But he always apologizes...he's always sorry...and it always happens again.

But not this time. I told him, this is it. This is the last time I will stand for this because if I get put to the back burner once more, we are done. And I hope he realizes it. Because though I didn't stick to the original "threat"that was made the last time it happened...let it happen again and there is no going back.

I hope that doesn't sound mean or doom'n'gloom...but it's true. I can only take so much, and I have done everything possible to make this work...now it's his turn.

How much more can I take? Part III

How much is too much? I don't think I know anymore. Do I know the answer and am just unwilling to face it? Do I know what I have to do or should do, but some kind of fear is holding me back? I don't know. And that scares me.

I can't handle being shoved to the back burner anymore. I don't think he realizes how much this really impacts everything that is to become our lives. If this is the way it's going to be forever, we're never going to make it. And that scares me. I don't want to set us up for failure, but by "giving in" is that what I'm doing?

I deserve more than to be treated like a second-hand citizen. I deserve more than to be the one who ALWAYS has to be the understanding and accepting party. I deserve more than to be the one who cries themselves to sleep (on the inside) a lot more than anyone knows. But what am I supposed to do when my heart is in the way? When my heart is telling me that being together is right, and this, like many other obstacles is just set up to test our strength and love for each other???

It's also hard knowing what a fool I look like. It used to be that I just looked like the caring and understanding one...now it looks like I'm the one who won't take a stand...Blech.

Love isn't supposed to hurt this much. Families aren't supposed to drive couples apart. Love is supposed to be the most beautiful thing in the world...then why does it bring such pain?? I don't know. And the sad and pathetic thing, this only happens during the holidays. When families should want everyone to be together--everyone meaning family and their significant others...married or not. Again, I just don't understand, and I don't think I ever will.

How much more can I take? Part II

How much more can I take? Always being shoved to the back. Always being the understanding one who gets stomped on, heart broken, feelings pushed aside. I can only take as much as I can take...and anymore I think I'm nearing my breaking point.

It is complete bullshit that I am the one getting hurt all the time for this. It is complete bullshit that THEY are putting him in a situation that is hurting him and making it more than it should be. We may not be married, but we are a package deal. And if that doesn't mean something to you, then too damn bad, because it means something to us.

I really am on the verge of breaking...I haven't felt this kind of pain in...I don't think I have ever felt this kind of pain. My heart feels like it is being stabbed over and over and over again. And that's not right. When things are going good, they're GREAT! But when things start going off...they all go to shit.

I'm not really sure what to do...I said if it happened again, we'd be through...And it did happen again, but we're not through, because I don't feel like it should be over. I think I'd know if it was meant to be over...And I know it's not. It all comes down to being an issue of how much I'm willing to take or put up with...how much...

How much more can I take? Part I

It hurts to see someone you love hurting. It hurts to know there is nothing you can do, and nothing you can say is going to make that hurting stop.

Oh there is so much I want to say, but my horoscope warned me against saying too much...

But really, I don't understand people. I don't understand why people intentionally want to hurt others just to prove a point or make themselves feel better. I just can't comprehend that! And I also can't comprehend how a family wouldn't want their child to be happy with his/her significant other. I mean, that makes NO SENSE!!!

The fact that anything I try to do would probably do more harm than good doesn't make this any easier for me. I want to make calls and get to the bottom of this issue, but I don't want the same thing to happen that happened last time....LIES! Yes, we got stuff off our chests, but then it gets turned around and all these lies about what I said come out...LIES!

10 Year Reunion Angst!

So my 10 year reunion is on Saturday. And I was all gung-ho on going...that was until a really good friend (whom we were supposed to meet up with beforehand and then head to the reunion) said she wasn't able to make it. All of a sudden, I got a HORRIBLE feeling inside...we're talking NASTY...and then I realized....it was high school angst all over again!

I haven't had those feelings in 10 years! And WHAM, they were back again. It was quite scary. I mean, those feelings almost did me in once! I don't want to feel them again. And then I got upset, because I was upset about being upset (etc). Why the hell do I care? I mean, I didn't care what people thought back then, why should I care now??

But I think I want to go to be like hey, look at me now. I look better than I ever did, I have a wonderful boyfriend, I have an awesome job and a kick ass house...But there's still that evil twinge of nerves. What will people say....then round and round we go.

It seems that as time has gone on, I've lost that piece me that held my "whatever" attitude. I've lost the who f*ck you, this is who I am...I still have it, but it's not a 24/7 thing--which is a bummer on one hand, but on the other, it's a good thing, because I'm not crazy bitchy, lol.

So I dunno. I don't know if I have some weird social anxiety shit going on or what, but the thought of the reunion is seriously giving me heart palpitations AND the urge to drink...a lot. Hehehehe. We shall see. Another great friend said she'd meet up with us early, so I won't feel AS apprehensive...We shall see.

High school angst SUCKS!