Knowing what they feel...makes me hurt more
How are you supposed to act when the people closest to you are angry and upset for you? When you are trying to move past the issue but in the back of your mind know that though they aren't disappointed in you, they feel you are being stupid and too forgiving? I have no idea.
I'm trying my best to actually shove all this shit to the back of my head and pray that this indeed WAS the last time it'll ever happen...because if it's not...then that's the end...
I'm just so at a loss. Because I know when I look at people, though they'll put on their happy face, they'll have that pity look in their eyes for me and with the anger and disappointed look for him because yet again, I was the one whose feelings were shoved in the mud and I was the one who proved to be the "bigger person" and let all the shit fall on me...I guess it makes me wonder how I feel too...
My horoscope today said: "You just can't find the words to express what's going on in your heart -- which is highly unusual for you! It's a good day to take time off to think things through and get yourself put back together." Which is damn true. Because I can't find the words in my heart right now. When I look into his eyes, I want to cry, because I don't think he actually realizes what this has done to us, to me, to my heart. He knows I hurt. And he apologized for hurting me. But he always apologizes...he's always sorry...and it always happens again.
But not this time. I told him, this is it. This is the last time I will stand for this because if I get put to the back burner once more, we are done. And I hope he realizes it. Because though I didn't stick to the original "threat"that was made the last time it happened...let it happen again and there is no going back.
I hope that doesn't sound mean or doom'n'gloom...but it's true. I can only take so much, and I have done everything possible to make this work...now it's his turn.
I'm trying my best to actually shove all this shit to the back of my head and pray that this indeed WAS the last time it'll ever happen...because if it's not...then that's the end...
I'm just so at a loss. Because I know when I look at people, though they'll put on their happy face, they'll have that pity look in their eyes for me and with the anger and disappointed look for him because yet again, I was the one whose feelings were shoved in the mud and I was the one who proved to be the "bigger person" and let all the shit fall on me...I guess it makes me wonder how I feel too...
My horoscope today said: "You just can't find the words to express what's going on in your heart -- which is highly unusual for you! It's a good day to take time off to think things through and get yourself put back together." Which is damn true. Because I can't find the words in my heart right now. When I look into his eyes, I want to cry, because I don't think he actually realizes what this has done to us, to me, to my heart. He knows I hurt. And he apologized for hurting me. But he always apologizes...he's always sorry...and it always happens again.
But not this time. I told him, this is it. This is the last time I will stand for this because if I get put to the back burner once more, we are done. And I hope he realizes it. Because though I didn't stick to the original "threat"that was made the last time it happened...let it happen again and there is no going back.
I hope that doesn't sound mean or doom'n'gloom...but it's true. I can only take so much, and I have done everything possible to make this work...now it's his turn.
posted by Ill-Fated Butterfly at 12:37 PM
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