I want to remember...

I can't remember what it was like then.
I can't remember how I felt.
I can't remember how my mind worked.
I can't remember how I felt.
I can't remember if I was this neurotic.
I can't remember if I was this anal.
I can't remember if I felt this uneasy.
I can't remember if I was this nervous.
I can't remember what my temperament was like.

I can't remember but I wish I could...

I don't think I was this nervous about being open.
I don't think I felt embarrassed by the little things.
I don't think I felt like I was out of control.
I don't think I thought about questions like these.
I don't think I actually believed I was out of control.
I don't think I worried about what others would think.
I don't think I was as unstable as I feel now.

I don't think I was any of this...but maybe I was.

When I look at pictures, I get sad. I get sad because I don't necessarily miss that person or those people, I get sad because I miss the feelings I used to have. I miss not feeling embarrassed or self-conscious just for being me. I miss how they used to make me feel...which I guess made me feel the way I think I should have felt??

Am I rambling? Can anyone answer that for me?! Was I wrong? Did I err? I like to believe life happens for the reason it's meant to, but am I naive believing in that theory?!?!? What the fuck?!?!? Is it with age that all these uncertainties come about? That you second-guess theories, choices, decisions? So strange...so scary and strange...