Surge of Empowerment

I can't see the bottom of the lake, but it all seems so crystal clear. Atop the glassy surface, it looks like the calmest of calm days, but below, whirlpools and schools of fish stir everything up, creating the realm of undertow.
Will I be sucked in? I don't know. I have never felt as focused as I do today. I still feel as though I am stuck in the middle of a fog, but I don't feel as lost as I once did. It's like I am in the eye of the storm, but I am not scared that when it passes over, I will be sucked up and spit out. I will then be able to fly!
Maybe I should run for it! Maybe I should just do it and dive head first into the wind and see if it will carry me away. I'm tired of waiting for those two bitches (fate and destiny) to drop by. I am going to create my own fate and make my own destiny, and I don't need anyone else to help me. I can do this one on my own. Yeah, it's gonna suck and I know I will probably lose my motivational force at the time I need it the most, but so what? I have gotten through far worse stuff than this and I'll be damned if I don't make it. Hell, if I lose the battle, and get killed in the war, I will come back and haunt...Because this girl DOESN'T give up!

Unique

It has also come to my attention that I am thought of as "weird" and "odd" and "strange"...I like that. It has also come to my attention that I scare people...I like that even more. I like being strange and unique. I like having people walk across the street so as not to have to cross my path. It's nice because I don't have to act a certain way or go out of my way to accomplish such feats. It's just who I am.
I like wearing all black all the time (I think the color looks great on me). I like dying my hair cherry red and putting black streaks in it too (I think it compliments my skin tone). I like wearing dark eye make-up and dark lipstick (I feel like a smoldering temptress). Today is just one of those days where I can say I love being me. I'm not trying to sound cocky or conceited, because I am not.
Every so often, I stop and look at people and shake my head because it is so blatantly obvious that they are a product of the media and conformity. I am a product of myself. I do what I do because it feels right. I say what I say because I want to say it. I may not have a clue what I am talking about and I may not have any inkling of what I really want with life, but I do everything for a reason. Someday, I will know exactly why I do what I do, but at this point, I really don't care. I am no one else but me, and I absolutely LOVE that!

Humanity

I came to a conclusion today... I AM HUMAN! I have the power to love. I have the power to forgive. I have the power to laugh, smile, cry. I have the ability to make mistakes. I have the ability to totally screw everything up! I have the ability to err...Because I am human.
It was a very enlightening moment. I was stopped at a traffic light at the Portage Pointe exit in Streetsboro and Hoobastank's "The Reason" was playing on the radio. All of a sudden, the lyrics transformed in my mind and I instantly felt a sigh of relief. I am human! I am not perfect! My imperfections are what make me who I am! Imperfections are what separate everyone from everyone else! I can be no one else but me. I am me! Like my profile says, I am the black sock in the load of white laundry. I refuse to constantly badger myself and internally brutalize myself for being and acting like the true me. Though I am human, I know I can do anything and be anything I want to be. If you cannot love and accept me for who I am, then I do not need you in my life. If you want to hold onto the bad or the weird, over the good, I don't need to explain myself to you anymore. I am damn proud to be the woman I am, and if someone cannot accept it, then they need to take a good look in the mirror. They need to stare deep into their reflection until it fades to black, take a deep breath and realize, they are no better than me..They are simply human too.

Que Sera, Sera

So this is life? Que sera, sera. What will be. will be. But if that is the case, can we really control our own destiny? I mean, think about it! We can manipulate our future and we can change ourselves, our actions and our beliefs, but can we really control our own destiny? I don't know anymore. It's kinda like the "Butterfly Effect". If we could go back and change an incident to try to correct a wrong we did, we would ultimately change everything that happens beyond that point, but is that so bad?
I want to believe everything happens for a reason, but I don't like waiting to find out that reason. I am very impatient and I want to know NOW. It's hard not thinking about the what if's, because they are forever imbedded in the back of the mind. It's hard forging ahead and not looking back, because it is human nature to remember what happened in the past. But then again, there is no future in spending our present worrying about our past.

This just flat out sucks

So this is life. So this is life? What the hell!? I am so sick of this! Why can't things ever go right? Why must everything be one huge mess? When you try to do the "right" thing, you end up getting royally screwed in the end. So does that mean (therefore, ergo) that you should do the wrong thing and everything will work itself out? From the hell I have been through this past year, it seems that by stepping up to the plate, telling the truth and attempting to reconcile I did nothing more but screw myself over. We all learn from our mistakes, and it seems like the main lesson that is supposed to be learned here is that by doing the right thing and admitting when you are at fault for something makes you a f*ckin moron.
I don't know, I just don't know anymore, and I am sick of this. I wish I didn't have to wake up to this pain everyday. I wish I didn't have to live in a world that spits on you for trying to be the "better" person. It hurts to say this, but kills even more to know and understand this...I am nothing more than anything...nothing more than nothing...and I am the ill-fated butterfly, who will never be free.

Decisions

In life there are decisions to make. Some are really easy, others are harder than anything you have ever had to decide before. Life throws a lot of shit at you sometimes, but in the end, you have to realize that the craziness was thrown at you to make you stronger. I have yet to realize this.
You cannot be selfish when making huge choices in life, though. Yes, you must do what you feel will make you happy, truly happy in the end, but you also must realize that it may hurt someone else. Is it worth making that decision then? How much pain and anguish are you willing to cause to make yourself happy? If you love someone so deeply and so strongly, why wouldn't you even consider their feelings?!?! Why would you take the chance of killing that person, just because you are indecisive? Yes, nerves and fear can cause you a lot of stress, but just remember that the person (or people) that are involved in you life can sense and feel those feeling too.
Are you willing to take a chance in losing someone that you love? Are you willing to take the chance that they may not be there by the time you decide what you want? Love is an eternal thing, and it lasts forever, so when making tough choices, always keep in mind that when you think and act with what your heart says, you can never make the wrong decision.

And it all falls down

And so it all starts again. What the hell am I doing?! This school thing is beyond aggravating! The feeling of apprehension that I had before the semester started still lingers on my mind. Do I really want to do this? Am I mentally ready to do this? I am so scared that I am making the wrong decision. I thought I knew what I wanted to do, what I wanted to be; but did I just pick the only thing that sounded appealing to me? Did I pick the occupation because I knew there was nothing else out there that sounded like it would be worth doing life long? I want to write! I want to have my own business and do my own thing, but what am I supposed to do now? I pay for school out of pocket, and I fear that I am wasting my money. I was told that I need to enjoy what we are learning, or I wont learn a thing. I need to have a passion, because without it, I am going to school in vain. I don't know what I want anymore. My life is getting back on track, and I want to concentrate on that aspect. Do I really want school on top of that? I just don't know what to do!? I'm scared to make the wrong decision and the right mistake!

Sensory Restoration

It's amazing what it feels like to laugh again. To actually laugh with that warm feeling coursing through your body. It's amazing what it feels like to actually look in the mirror, and see the person you hadn't seen in so long; see that shimmer and glisten in your own eyes and be able to smile again. Happiness was something that seemed nothing more than a word, a hope, a dream that was taking too long to come true.
I feel like I am complete again. I feel like that missing jigsaw piece was put back into place, and life is starting anew. It can't rain all the time, and I now fully realize and believe that line. I truly realize that through it all, through all the trials, tribulations and mysteries of life, Don Juan Demarco says it best when he says "There are only four questions of value in life. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made of? What is worth living for? What is worth dying for?The answer to each is the same. Only love."

Just wanna SCREAM!

I'm so tired of everything. I am so tired of worrying about life, school, the future. I just want to scream! Everything is perfectly set in my mind, but I know I have to prepare for those great curveballs that are going to be thrown.
Anymore, it just seems like everyone else has so many more hours in a day then I do. Everyone else seems to be able to go out, go shopping, visit family etc. etc. It feels like everyday I have the same stupid routine, and in the end, I never get as much accomplished as I wish I could have. I WISH I could be off work by 4pm everyday. I WISH I could go out places with friends (if I had more than like 2). I WISH I could just enjoy everything that I have accomplished so far, but I can't. There is always something that is lingering in the back of my mind or something that just pops up out of the blue and has to be taken care of asap. I feel like I am rushing my life away because I never have any "me" time.
When I have a day off though, and I can actually take time for myself, I hate doing it. I get so bored and so depressed because all I can think about is what I have to get done for the next day, week, month, year. Why can't I ever feel at peace with the way my life is? I'm a full-time supervisor, I'm in Grad school, I have a car that gets me where I need to go, a loving family, but it feels like I have something missing. The hole in my heart is slowly being mended, but maybe that is it. Maybe until I am completely and utterly comfortable with myself, I will never be able to enjoy the things I should be enjoying. But how do I get there? What do I do or where do I go to be able to be like "yeah, this is me, take it or leave it". I know outwardly I come off that way, but sometimes I feel like it is some weird facade I am trying to throw out to the world to prove that I am a strong young woman.
I don't know. All I ask for is a little peace of mind. I need to be at that beach, with the sparking, white sand, laying in my hammock, letting the sounds and smells of my island paradise ease away all my worries and doubts. All I need and all I want, is to be fixed inside, and to be accepted for who I am. I cannot be anything I want to be, I can only be me.

Life's questions

Life is repeating itself. I know this for a fact. Freaky-weird de ja vu stuff has been happening for quite some time now. The scary part is, the SAME things have been happening that once happened before, but they have different endings or circumstances now. I can't explain it. It's so strange, but also so exciting. Maybe this is something that just goes to prove that history does repeat itself.
I feel like I am in a create-your-own-story book. It's so odd to relive things that I thought were just closed chapters in the book of life. It's like these ideas, these "relics" have new meaning and are being reinvestigation, but not by my will, by something greater than that.
Everyday I feel like I am getting a little stronger and a little better, but then there's a flash and I am doing something over again. Will the choices I make and the things I do different actually help in changing my future? Will I magically wake up one day and my life will be the way it was supposed to be before everything got all screwed up? Is anyone else going through what I am going through right now? It's these questions that keep me up at night, and these questions I hope will be answered in the near future, so I can rid myself of this insomnia of thought, that's slowly driving me mad.