Just wanna SCREAM!
I'm so tired of everything. I am so tired of worrying about life, school, the future. I just want to scream! Everything is perfectly set in my mind, but I know I have to prepare for those great curveballs that are going to be thrown.
Anymore, it just seems like everyone else has so many more hours in a day then I do. Everyone else seems to be able to go out, go shopping, visit family etc. etc. It feels like everyday I have the same stupid routine, and in the end, I never get as much accomplished as I wish I could have. I WISH I could be off work by 4pm everyday. I WISH I could go out places with friends (if I had more than like 2). I WISH I could just enjoy everything that I have accomplished so far, but I can't. There is always something that is lingering in the back of my mind or something that just pops up out of the blue and has to be taken care of asap. I feel like I am rushing my life away because I never have any "me" time.
When I have a day off though, and I can actually take time for myself, I hate doing it. I get so bored and so depressed because all I can think about is what I have to get done for the next day, week, month, year. Why can't I ever feel at peace with the way my life is? I'm a full-time supervisor, I'm in Grad school, I have a car that gets me where I need to go, a loving family, but it feels like I have something missing. The hole in my heart is slowly being mended, but maybe that is it. Maybe until I am completely and utterly comfortable with myself, I will never be able to enjoy the things I should be enjoying. But how do I get there? What do I do or where do I go to be able to be like "yeah, this is me, take it or leave it". I know outwardly I come off that way, but sometimes I feel like it is some weird facade I am trying to throw out to the world to prove that I am a strong young woman.
I don't know. All I ask for is a little peace of mind. I need to be at that beach, with the sparking, white sand, laying in my hammock, letting the sounds and smells of my island paradise ease away all my worries and doubts. All I need and all I want, is to be fixed inside, and to be accepted for who I am. I cannot be anything I want to be, I can only be me.
Anymore, it just seems like everyone else has so many more hours in a day then I do. Everyone else seems to be able to go out, go shopping, visit family etc. etc. It feels like everyday I have the same stupid routine, and in the end, I never get as much accomplished as I wish I could have. I WISH I could be off work by 4pm everyday. I WISH I could go out places with friends (if I had more than like 2). I WISH I could just enjoy everything that I have accomplished so far, but I can't. There is always something that is lingering in the back of my mind or something that just pops up out of the blue and has to be taken care of asap. I feel like I am rushing my life away because I never have any "me" time.
When I have a day off though, and I can actually take time for myself, I hate doing it. I get so bored and so depressed because all I can think about is what I have to get done for the next day, week, month, year. Why can't I ever feel at peace with the way my life is? I'm a full-time supervisor, I'm in Grad school, I have a car that gets me where I need to go, a loving family, but it feels like I have something missing. The hole in my heart is slowly being mended, but maybe that is it. Maybe until I am completely and utterly comfortable with myself, I will never be able to enjoy the things I should be enjoying. But how do I get there? What do I do or where do I go to be able to be like "yeah, this is me, take it or leave it". I know outwardly I come off that way, but sometimes I feel like it is some weird facade I am trying to throw out to the world to prove that I am a strong young woman.
I don't know. All I ask for is a little peace of mind. I need to be at that beach, with the sparking, white sand, laying in my hammock, letting the sounds and smells of my island paradise ease away all my worries and doubts. All I need and all I want, is to be fixed inside, and to be accepted for who I am. I cannot be anything I want to be, I can only be me.
posted by Ill-Fated Butterfly at 2:18 AM
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