I just don't know

My mind has never gone from 0mph to 80mph back down to 0mph in a matter of a millisecond...until today. And I have no clue what that means.

I've never been so confused and upset, yet so calm and reserved as I am right now. I'm my own oxymoron. I'm my own juxtaposition of emotion. I have never felt so strongly, yet felt so weak!!!

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!!??

I feel like I'm stuck in some horrible dream that I'm on the verge of waking from. It almost feels like I am just about to take a deep breath of air, but it's that split-second before where your lungs are just anticipating it. I don't know how to explain it. It's a swirling, raging river of thought that I just can't escape, but I'm not scared. (Which is extremely not normal.) I almost feel at peace...ALMOST being the operative word.

FOCUS!

I must not lose sight of the truth.
I need to stay focused, not on the negative, but on that which is, not that which I wish it to be.
When everything is great, life is grand. But I can't be blinded by the glimmer and shine.
I need to keep my mind focused and grounded (as grounded as a Gemini can be).
Because if I let my guard down too much, I'm going to set myself back and lose the strength that I have built.
But I cannot keep it up too high, because then I put myself at chance of blocking out the world and happiness...so I can't do that.
It's mind-bending, this thing called life, but I just need to keep trudging onward. It can't rain all the time.

I AM!!!!!

I'm working on trying to reinforce positive thoughts into my life (regarding myself) to help improve my self-esteem, perception and overall mindset when it comes to me. While these may sound conceited, they are not meant to. Here goes.

I am beautiful!
I am not fat!
I do have a good heart and am an awesome person!
I will not let someone else's "ideal body weight/shape/size" determine my self worth!
Just because I don't fit the bill for what is deemed "healthy" these days, doesn't mean I have a hideous body.

I AM BEAUTIFUL GOD DAMNIT!!!!!

Mind reader?!?!

OMG. Is he reading my mind? So all I could think about this weekened was how passionate he is over this whole workout/BB/coach thing (and how I wish he was that passionate about me/us). And then he comes into the living room and verbally says "you are my number one, never forget that." WTF?!?!? I mean, really?

And I told him that I haven't felt special in months. ANd he apologized and thanked me for being at his back 150% in this endeavor. The only problem I see now is, he recognized that I have been shoved to the back for softball and this...but will he actually change? Will I always be the one who is always there for him? And therefore he can live life however he wants to without fear of losing me? Hopefully not, because that is FAR from the truth.

I'm not blaming him, but I changed for him. I stopped dying my hair black, painting my nails black, wearing black 24/7, but that wasn't just for me. It was because I knew how much he liked it when I wore colors. But that wasn't me. But for 4 years, I made it me. And now i'm starting to get fed up with it. Because I have been a traitor to myself and that is horrible.

So I'm back on the path of being me. I can't be afraid to speak my mind about us or ask questions about us, because that's no way to live the rest of my life. And if I have to fear asking questions because I worry about the reaction or the answer, then I need a swift reality check to the brain because that is NO WAY to spend the rest of my life. I know it won't be easy, but it's something that has to be done.

New Moon Maybe?

Perhaps it's the new moon that's helping...but I think I'm back on the right path again. I know I'm wicked-neurotic, but it finally clicked in my brain to speak up when I need something.

So last night, I told him I need more help with keeping up the house. "What do you mean?" What I mean is could you please take the initiative when the house is dirty? Like cleaning in the dishes that are left in the sink or putting the crap away that piles up on the table. I even said the truth "when your old roommate used to leave crap everywhere, not clean his dishes and left the counters a mess, you used to get mad about it and clean it up, but now you're the one doing it and I'm the one taking care of the mess." He apologized and said no problem.

So tonight he heard the water running and asked if I needed help. Instead of saying no (like I ALWAYS do) I said yes, yes I do. So he came and did dishes. After he sat down, I noticed he didn't do a couple. So I called him back and HE DID THEM!! HOLY SHOCKER! I seriously thought that would have triggered a fight but it soooooooooooooo did not!!! Let's see if we can keep this up!

(And on a quick side note. I get the feeling that all this unsettled feeling is my fault, because if it bothered me and I didn't tell him, then it was my fault it wasn't resolved, because he didn't know??? However,I also don't want to be the one to have to bring up the things that bother me that would OBVIOUSLY bother anyone else as well as the most remedial relationship stuff, ya know?)

But anywho, I feel better.

Follow-up due to response

Wow. Ok so I had a response to my previous post that snapped my head back. And it's kind of funny because once upon a time, a long time ago, I posted something that unintentionally hurt/bothered someone. I didn't realize how sharp words could cut. This most recent response brought back that thought again.

So let me clarify. I in no way, shape or form measure the value of my relationship based on gifts or how much is spent on me. What I mean is that I feel like I get shoved to the back burner on so many things. I feel like while I do everything in my power to put him first, he doesn't do the same for me. And now I feel like I keep digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole because everything I'm saying makes me sound more and more like a bad, selfish person. OOF.

Final thought: What I write is just my way of venting and helping myself stay sane. Not all of it is to be taken literally. It's just the thoughts that are being screamed in my head.

Chalk another one up to life

So another "situation" has arisen where part of me feels bad for getting upset while the other part feels I have EVERY RIGHT to be upset. However, even though I am kinda pissed/sad, I really don't even feel like bringing it up or arguing about it, because there is no point. It's just another thing that will get "rationalized" out and I won't feel any better because of it, I'll just feel worse and like I'm being the heavy or the parent or the "selfish" one when in reality, I'm not.

Ok, so here I go...He bought a new computer with 2 big-ass screens. I know he's been saying his computer is old and not working the way he wants to, so it was time to upgrade. What's the big deal you may ask? Well, the big deal is this is just one more monthly payment he has to make. What's the big deal with that you may ask? Well the big deal with that is that one more monthly payment means less money can go towards an already high-ass bill that could be getting paid off quicker.

Maybe I am being selfish, because the first thing I thought of when I heard what he spent/bought was that that money could have been used to go towards something for me (or for us). And yes, it sounds SO freaking greedy and selfish on my part, but it's true!! Why can't he go out and buy me a new pair of earrings or a new watch because the band on mine is torn? Why can't he buy me flowers every week just because?? And the issue with bringing anything up comes down to the fact that he needs the computer "for the long run." For what he's trying to do for BB. It's an investment that will totally pay off...I can totally see that's how it'd play out.

It's funny because I'm kinda over it already. (Kind of) I almost feel weird for even writing about it--but it's something that got to me. It wouldn't be an issue if he had everything paid down and didn't owe money to me or anyone else, but that's not the case!

So the question is, do I really have a right to be upset? Or is it worse that I just don't care and have kind of given up on the whole him putting me first issue?? BLECH!

Work out wear down. Part 1

Ok, so here's something that's been bugging me.

Ya know, I'm proud of my boyfriend for accomplishing his workout goals, but the entire super-crazy healthy thing is starting to wear on me. I mean, I get it, it's good to be healthy. It's good to be fit. But it's like ALL he thinks about. And then all I can think about is how fat and schlubby I must look. (I know, I know, it's not about me)

I miss having someone who enjoyed splurging. Who would have 1, 2 5 drinks with me just because. Who didn't give me "the look" when I ate something bad for me or wanted to have a glass of wine. Who didn't talk down or use that tone of voice that makes me feel bad because I ate pizza, drank wine and had ice cream. It's like this whole workout craze has stripped the fun out!

I've always struggled with weight, but seeing him get all 8% body fat didn't help to encourage me to try harder, it actually had the opposite effect. I don't like working out, so I don't share his whole workout passion. I don't enojoy having to watch what I eat. I cannot STAND always thinking in the back of my mind "what if someone sees me eating XXXX." I also cannot stand thinking that I'm going to have to worry about being embarrassed because of how I look or get the whole "if you'd just do this, this and this" you'd be ok.

The only time I ever hear anything about how I look is when I'm losing weight. I never hear "you're beautiful the way you are" or "if you didn't lose a pound, you'd still look great." I guess I can't expect to hear that if it's not how he really feels, huh? Blech!

Being an adult isn't what it's cracked up to be

Ok, so I don't know if this is good, bad or otherwise, but watching commercials (like the Wonderbread commercial) where parents are doing voiceovers like "Oh I wonder if she thinks boys are still icky" or the ones where kids are in high school and experiencing everything new, they make me feel like I'm not ready to be a grown up yet.

Yes, I guess it's good that I'm able to identify that, but will it ever go away? I still watching movies and get that tingle of excitement and hope...I still wonder what if...I still watch cartoons (religously) and believe in even the most trite of things. Will I ever be grown up enough to be a parent? NO I AM NOT PREGNANT. That is something I am DEAD POSITIVE of...It's just these things come across my mind and I get a little spooked.

Kind of like the whole marriage thing. I want it, want it, want it...but will I ever really be ready for it?

I wish someone could analyze my brain and the way it works, because it is just absolutely insane how much whirling and swirling and whirring it does over everything. Like I make one decision or act on one emotion and WHAM, overdrive. And I can't stop it. It's just so insane. Life is so insane.

And every so often, I wonder if I'm actually laying comatose somewhere and everything that is happening is just a mental playback of life...Hmmm, what if...