Time to self = bad

It's when I have time alone. It's when I have time to actually let my mind wander, that I begin to worry and doubt.

I don't know what to do. I feel scared and alone and embarrassed. I don't know why, I just do. And this always happens when I have time to myself, is that bad? Is it wrong? Or is this the only time the inner me, the real me, can come out and smack sense into this droid I feel I have become??

What is happiness? What is sadness? What are any of these freakin' emotions I know I have but I'm not sure I feel? I am just SO FUCKING LOST!!!!

I'm so confused. One thought versus another. One idea versus another. One feeling versus another. I'm not sure how to win this battle.

I'm tired of the minor spats. I'm tired of the little arguments. I'm tired of feeling second-rate. I'm tired of feeling like the only one who is trying. It's like no matter what I do, I will never get the reciprocation I desire, because everything I do seems to be taken for granted or "expected" of me...Again, karma?? And what do I do? Where do I go? How should I react???

What the hell is wrong with me that I can't figure this out?!?!?!?!