Coinkydink of all Coinkydinks

It's so weird when you randomly read something...and that something is something you yourself had been mulling over for quite some (or even just a little) time.

Is it just coincidence?? Or is it fate's way of answering that something, that thought, that question that has been brewing deep in the recesses of your mind? It's just so weird...

And then what do you do?? I mean, I can't just ignore or disregard the fact that I stumbled across something that I had been thinking about and that something was blatantly just stated. I mean flat out said...

Oye vey. And the problem is there should be no problem!!! But there is, because it could totally change everything...

Said what needed to be said...

Well...Last night was interesting to say the least...Massive blowout like no other blow out before. Things were said that were incredibly hurtful and spiteful...but I guess I can't complain we said we need to work on communication and honesty.

The walking on eggshells and constantly sparring issue was addressed. And we both "blamed" each other for it. And that it needs to stop. I "nag" because that's the only way to get him to do something. I would do it myself but if you say "No I'll take care of it" then I expect it to get done. That's just me.

I stood strong. I said everything I had to say too. You want to leave? Fine, leave. But don't make me feel bad or guilty that the only reason you're staying in this "god-forsaken state" is because of me. If you want out so bad, then leave, I can make it.

Also said what I had to about marriage...I'm ready and don't get why he isn't. We have a house, stuff, we live together, it's JUST LIKE IT but minus the COMMITMENT (which is what I want). I also made him aware that the only reason I want to marry him is because I love him. He's in debt, so he can't think I want to marry him for money. I don't want to marry him for his family because they could give a fuck less about me. The reason I want to marry him is because I LOVE HIM. End of story. And if he can't understand that or see that, then it's his loss.

We both agreed if this is ever going to work, we're going to need to get on the same page. I told him this morning we'd talk when he got home. I don't know if he'll be thinking about this at all over the weekend, but I guarantee that it won't leave my mind.

He still left for Phillie...I was stupid to actually think that maybe, just maybe he'd stay.

He said he loves me. Loves me more than anything. Loves me and always wants to be with me. Promises that everything is going to be ok, we're going to keep building our love, our hopes, our dreams, our house...I hope so...

(Quick Thanksgiving...Really? Follow-up)

What I really want to say: I'm extremely hurt. Very, super-duper hurt. And I'm not going to apologize for how I feel. This sucks and it's not fair. I don't deserve any of this. My heart hasn't hurt like this in years...

Thanksgiving...Really?

I was strong until tonight. I was strong until I saw other people's Thanksgiving dinners, seeing happy couples TOGETHER. Watching them celebrate TOGETHER...And it's truly, finally sinking in that we won't be spending MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY (next to Halloween) together. We were supposed to. He promised me we would, and then of course "something" (aka his family) comes up and WHAM, no longer will we be spending that holiday together...It's BS!

I'm trying to be kind. I'm trying to deal as best I can...But I seriously feel like I'm about to break. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to vent. I just want him to ACTUALLY SEE what this is doing to me/us!!!! Yes, they say that when you love someone, their happiness is what should matter most. And I do want him to be happy, but does it always mean he gets to be happy at my expense? I have to be miserable and left behind so he can make his family happy? No, it doesn't work like that.

I don't like this blog post. I feel like I am just spouting out words that are amounting to a whole pile of nothing. But I feel the inner rage brewing. I can't keep going on like this. I can't do this every freakin holiday. I can't do this every freaking time something comes up with his family!!! And I don't mean to sound like it's only with his family but it is!!!

If I'm always going to be a "2nd class citizen" in their eyes...and he's not going to defend me/us...what kind of relationship is that??

And then I look him in the eyes, and he gives me that smile...and my heart melts. And then I'm back to being confused.

Arsenal of Quotes...Happiness

It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.

Happiness is not the absence of problems but the ability to deal with them.

The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.

Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.

It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed.”what you think about.

There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them.

(My Post Secret: I really like when you drink...because you get all cute and lovey and make me feel like I really, truly matter)

Time to self = bad

It's when I have time alone. It's when I have time to actually let my mind wander, that I begin to worry and doubt.

I don't know what to do. I feel scared and alone and embarrassed. I don't know why, I just do. And this always happens when I have time to myself, is that bad? Is it wrong? Or is this the only time the inner me, the real me, can come out and smack sense into this droid I feel I have become??

What is happiness? What is sadness? What are any of these freakin' emotions I know I have but I'm not sure I feel? I am just SO FUCKING LOST!!!!

I'm so confused. One thought versus another. One idea versus another. One feeling versus another. I'm not sure how to win this battle.

I'm tired of the minor spats. I'm tired of the little arguments. I'm tired of feeling second-rate. I'm tired of feeling like the only one who is trying. It's like no matter what I do, I will never get the reciprocation I desire, because everything I do seems to be taken for granted or "expected" of me...Again, karma?? And what do I do? Where do I go? How should I react???

What the hell is wrong with me that I can't figure this out?!?!?!?!

I HATE TEWWWWWWWWWWWSDAYS!

And just when I think/feel life is back to normal, it gets all fucked up. Why? Because of the root of all evil... MONEY!!!

Why should it be this hard? We're not even married and it's already this hard??? What the fuck!? I don't usually F bomb unless I'm seriously NOT SURE WHAT THE HELL TO DO but I am f bombing like a mofo!

(Please Xanax....kick in asap)

It's crazy...a friend of mine is going through the EXACT same situation as I am. Parallel lives perhaps? Could something crazy be happening in the cosmos??? I think so. Because it's almost SCARY how similar our lives are right now...

Anywho, yea...Life is not the way it should be right now. Not at all. Karma? Screw that chameleon!!! Screw it right in the ear...Probably shouldn't have said that...now I'm doomed.

On that note, I am off...What a freakin Tewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwsday.

Doubt

Buddha said it best, "There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills."

Great...But how the hell do you make it go away??? Because the slightest lapse of judgement could be a mistake I never recover from (so said Dexter).

Man, I think way too much. But that's just me! This is how I am! And if there is something in my life which makes my mind go into overdrive, then damnit, there is no going back. And when things come to light and what is said falls on deaf ears or is shot back with pretty much a fuck what you want...well then there is nothing else I can do but internalize and try to figure out what the fuck I should do. Ya know?

Such is life. And just when I think one thing or that I'm leaning more towards one way, something happens and all of a sudden I'm back to being confused. Oye vey!

Couple things...

Soy cansado de doler.
Quiero sentir paz y felicidad.
Por que duele mi corazon tanto?
Pierdo sentimiento como mi.

And here's what I have to say:

While sitting in a waiting room, I was paging through an old edition of Woman's Day or Redbook or something, and I found an article on "how to be happy in a marriage." The title intrigued me, so I decided to read it. The tips and what was written REALLY hit hard for me....because a lot of what was said is what we're going through right now. Yes I know, we're not married (yet) but sometimes it feels like we have the problems of a married couple. The main points which were a slam dunk, smack me across the face are:

1. You never know how strong your relationship is until you're tested
2. We are a team. We're not teaming up against your mother. We're teaming up together to deal with her issues.
3. Outline together the boundaries between you and all the families connected to you and your family baggage will weigh less.

WOW! I mean, how crazy is it that those are HELLA big things we've been going through?? I made sure to write them down, and relayed them when I got home.

#2 is really the "saving grace" I think. Because that's the BIGGEST point that needs to get across to other parties. It's not that when we plan something together, we mean for anyone to feel hurt or neglected, but we have our own life now. It's your choice if you want to be a part of it. But don't go making anyone feel guilty for wanting to be with the person they love. That's just downright selfish! And something that I (as have already stated) will tolerate no more.

#3 is also a "saving grace," so perhaps I need not even list out which ones are because there are only 3. Oh well. This one is the one that is MUCH harder to do. Polar opposite families make for difficult resolutions, but they need to be made. I already took the steps and came up with a solution so that his mom can't claim he doesn't try hard enough to be with them. I said one weekend a month, plan it, book it, go out there and stay the weekend. They can choose an alternate weekend to come visit us up here at our place--and that's when I'll get to spend time with them. Anything more than that is just ridiculous. I know he'll make the effort to get there every month, I hope they do the same for him.

Communication is the next thing that I feel I am making leaps and bounds with. It's kind of hard to do, but I've been coming out and being forthright with things that I am thinking...instead of holding them in and letting the boil or fester. Even for things as simple as painting! So now I'm laying it all out on the table. In every other relationship, I have been able to speak my mind and explain how I feel. Why should this be any different? I shouldn't feel nervous or embarrassed to talk about things that I'm thinking about. That's just silly!

And that's that. I feel I am being proactive and taking the steps necessary to get us past this pothole and back on the road to our happily ever after.