Conquest of Love??
So I have come to a conclusion about that crazy thing labeled a "Conquest of Love"...And I realize it's not going so good for me. I've come to the realization that anymore, for me, my quest and my feelings are nothing more than a thrill of the hunt. I want someone so bad, but when I get them, I don't want them anymore. It's that feeling of power and knowing that I AM wanted by someone. That they do find me extremely hot, attractive, sexy, fun, crazy etc. etc.
In the beginning, I am a predator looking for prey. When I have one in my sights, I go for it! My flirtatious side goes into overdrive and (not to sound cocky or conceited because I'm NOT) it seems to intoxicate the other person. Then they start flirting and it's a back and forth battle. That's when things get complicated.
I feel like the love conquest is nothing more than a game. When I'm done playing (which seems to be when I get what I want or achieve the feeling of success that I was ultimately going for) I just want to let it all go. I don't want to have a discussion. I don't want to defend my feelings or have to go into an in depth explanation as to why my feelings "changed". It's like a bad habit! I'm addicted to something and I cannot stop! "INTERVENTION" I want to scream!
I told my cousin when she came over, I feel like I go for guys and I want them to hurt the way I did. I don't necessarily want to hurt them, but I'm sadistic in the way that I want to seem the squirm. I want to know that there are other people out there that can feel the way I did, and then it seems to give me power, which later turns into regret and then inadvertently hurt, but I can't stop myself. It's a horrible obsession.
I'm not afraid to love, but I am afraid to be loved in return. It seems to contradict what I said before, because I like knowing that I am wanted, but it's a different feeling. I know that at least with my love, it would be true, I've been lied to and told that I was truly loved, when in the end, that "true" love led to heartbreak. I don't know anymore. Maybe I need help? Maybe my issues with life lie deeper and are a lot darker than I thought them to be? All I can say right now is that I am hurting really bad, though it can't rain all the time, it feels like the clouds are going to be lingering over me for a while.
In the beginning, I am a predator looking for prey. When I have one in my sights, I go for it! My flirtatious side goes into overdrive and (not to sound cocky or conceited because I'm NOT) it seems to intoxicate the other person. Then they start flirting and it's a back and forth battle. That's when things get complicated.
I feel like the love conquest is nothing more than a game. When I'm done playing (which seems to be when I get what I want or achieve the feeling of success that I was ultimately going for) I just want to let it all go. I don't want to have a discussion. I don't want to defend my feelings or have to go into an in depth explanation as to why my feelings "changed". It's like a bad habit! I'm addicted to something and I cannot stop! "INTERVENTION" I want to scream!
I told my cousin when she came over, I feel like I go for guys and I want them to hurt the way I did. I don't necessarily want to hurt them, but I'm sadistic in the way that I want to seem the squirm. I want to know that there are other people out there that can feel the way I did, and then it seems to give me power, which later turns into regret and then inadvertently hurt, but I can't stop myself. It's a horrible obsession.
I'm not afraid to love, but I am afraid to be loved in return. It seems to contradict what I said before, because I like knowing that I am wanted, but it's a different feeling. I know that at least with my love, it would be true, I've been lied to and told that I was truly loved, when in the end, that "true" love led to heartbreak. I don't know anymore. Maybe I need help? Maybe my issues with life lie deeper and are a lot darker than I thought them to be? All I can say right now is that I am hurting really bad, though it can't rain all the time, it feels like the clouds are going to be lingering over me for a while.
posted by Ill-Fated Butterfly at 5:40 PM
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