Self Destruction is at hand

I feel like I am on a pathway to self destruction. Latching on to anyone who will accept me, I cross the boundaries and enter into war. I find myself being put into situations that at the time, I cannot say no to. But when they are over, that is when the word finally escape my lips. I wind up not only hurting others, but hurting myself in the process...But why can I not learn from the lessons that have already been taught to me?
You'd think that after all this time, after everything I have been through, I would have the sense to speak up and say what I mean. You'd think that by now, I would have the strength and the willingness to speak the truth and follow my instincts. But I don't seem to have any of these traits or characteristics. I feel like I am setting myself up to fail, because along the road to failure comes a sense of accomplishment and strength. It is a false sense, but at least for a little while, I felt like I was something more than nothing.
It's like I'm selling my soul all over again, but sadly, it doesn't seem to be worth much. Going out on a weekend, a few beers and a pack of smokes tends to be all its worth, and when they are gone and the weekend is over, I am back to being alone. It seems as though I want something so much, yet when I have it (or know I can have it) I don't want it anymore. By the time I realize that or figure it out, it is already too late. Innocent lives have already been affected by my workings and the casualty count is up and running again. I cannot take anything back, and tend to be losing a lot more than I am gaining.
It just doesn't make sense to me. I can't seem to find what makes me truly happy. Oh yeah, I know how to induce happiness, but it is not real. It is something that comes through outside forces and wears off, leaving me with a sick taste in the morning. Whatever I try seems to take me back, full circle, to the place where I already am. I just can't seem to get myself out of the sandtrap and back onto the green. Who knows, maybe I never will, but I do know that if I don't get out of it soon, self destruction will inevitably overtake who I am, and the darkness will never leave my life.

One of those days...

Today is one of those days. One of those days that I am not as strong as I would like to be. Dreams haunt my mind at night and plague me throughout the day. They are like shadows that I cannot escape, and follow at my heel wherever I roam.
I keep hoping that this is just a case of the winter blues. I hope that this is just going to be ONE of those days, not the start of one of those weeks or one of those months. Trying to keep busy to keep my mind off stuff isn't as easy as one would think. It seems like just when I have crested the hill, there is a larger and more trecherous one awaiting me. It's hard not to want to give. It's hard not to want to turn around and wallow in self pity or self loathing. But I keep on trucking, because that's what I have to do.
I think the real issue for me today is that I want my friend back. I want the things I used to have and it hurts that they still aren't around. I know I can't get back the things I never had, but the one thing I was totally sure of and absolutely positive of, seems to be hiding somewhere. But where? Somewhere deep inside the heart? Somewhere lost in a grey mass of confusion? Somewhere being held hostage by apprehensive feelings or fear? I don't know. But I do wish that it could escape and come back to me, just to prove that my beliefs weren't totally wrong for the past couple years.
So I shall end on this note, no matter where my life goes or what path I decide to go down, no matter what direction life takes me, I will always have an open heart and open mind, ready to welcome back a friend, because friendship is the one thing that I cherish the most in life.

Where I am

"All that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream".
It seems that just when I get used to feeling a certain way, a dream or an omen comes into my life and throws it all out of whack again. How do we know that a dream is just a dream? How do we know that when we talk to someone in a dream, it is real and not some figment of the imagination? Are the words spoken true? Are they really a voice from beyond the grave? I don't know. I spoke with Bill last night, and what he said to me meant a lot, but should it? Is my imagination putting words in his mouth and making me see him in an attempt to cope with everything that has happened? Or was it really him, coming back and letting me know what I had been wondering? I hate to say I will never know, because if it was real, I will know someday.
I feel as though I have pushed off the deep end of the swimming pool, and now I am floating in the water, not feeling the bottom or the sides around me. It isn't a scary feeling, just very surreal. I don't know whether I should swim out further, or stay where I am at, or swim back to the sides. It's the strangest feeling in the world. It's kind of like being in the limbo that I was in for the past year, but not being as upset as I was. I have accepted everything that had happened to me, and now I am moving on.
It's hard to say that I have given up on what I worked on for so long. So I won't say that. I have not given up, but merely accepted the course of action that my life was meant to take. I am letting nature take its course and what will be will be. I am enjoying my life for what it is, not what it "could" be, and that's the smartest thing I have done in a very long time!

You know and I know

You know who you are: The one who broke my heart but was also the glue that held it together. The one who lied about love and loved to lie about life. The one who once upon a time promised me a forever, but this forever had an expiration date.
You know who I am: The one who believed in the existence of our tomorrow, though you didn't hold the same belief. The one who fought the rain and the coming of night in hopes that it would shine a little light on the darkness that had befallen you. The one who was willing to do whatever it took to make you smile, even when that meant casting a shadow over my own happiness.
You know what you are: A boy trapped in a man's body who liked to play games of make-believe, and when you made me fully believe that they weren't games, dropped a bombshell on me and showed me that they were nothing more than that. A person I didn't know, or maybe a chameleon showing its true colors, changing into the person that I never knew existed. Maybe just a puppetmaster, always pulling on my strings and making me dance to your own liking.
You know what I know: That I can't get back what I never had. That sometimes there's just no point to the battle, but I will keep fighting until the bitter end. That no matter how hard I try to forget a person, their memory will always remain in my heart and as a part of my spirit, helping to mold who I am and who I become. And most importantly, I know I can honestly say that I unconditionally loved someone, and that's the greatest gift anyone could be given.

From here on out

How do you say goodbye, when the words won't seem to enter into your vocabulary? How do you let it all go, when memories and thoughts haunt your mind? How do you say I'm through, when you feel the fight is just beginning? How do you stop believing in hope, when hope is what got you through it all?
As I sit here typing, my mind is spinning with thoughts of what I want to say. I want to be poetic. I just want to bitch. I want to write something that everyone who reads it will comment on. I just want to say what I want to say, without hesitation or fear.
I feel like I have lost a huge piece of me. I feel like I am floating in space, drifting away from what I know. Looking back, the past doesn't seem as close to me as it once was. Instead of feeling like I can reach out and touch my memories, I feel like they are that little light at the end of the tunnel, that is slowly fading away. No matter how hard I want to run to that light, rekindle it and make it grow, I know I cannot. I got the answer I didn't want to hear, and I can do nothing about it, but move on. Take what I got as a learning experience. Understand NOW that after all this time, the things that were said were nothing but hurtful lies, and silly me, I fell for them hook, line and sinker.
At times, I feel a surge of strength and empowerment. I am too good to feel like this! I am too strong to break down. To let a dream go is like releasing a jar of fireflies into the night, and knowing that only fate may return it to you. But after all that was said, and knowing how little I meant, would fate be doing me a favor by bringing it all back? Thinking back to last year, I realize now that all my attempts and tries at making things all right was a battle that only I fought for! From day one, he never even tried, and yet I never gave up. I NEVER GAVE UP AND HE NEVER TRIED! That should tell me something, right?
My heart hurts, but I will get through this. The pain will subside and I will walk towards the light. I know, as well as everyone else in God's creation, that there is nothing else I could have done. I exhausted all possibilities, and in doing so, did all that I could do. That shows what being truly in love is. But there's no looking back now, only looking forward. And I will look towards each new day with a new found sense of hope and wonder, and a strong belief that what is meant to be will be. I will live each day knowing, that the greatest feeling I had ever felt and the greatest thing I had ever done was loved with all my heart. And one day, I know, I will be truly loved in return.

Another lesson

It's amazing how many life lessons fall into your lap when you aren't looking. In the past year, I have learned many things. Not all were easy, but they were still important experiences that helped to mold who I am today. Sometimes the road got bumpy, and it felt like I was going to lose control, but in the end, I made it through safely.
When Bill died, his biggest gift to me was in the form a reality check, that tomorrow may never come. The lesson I learned yesterday was that you cannot live your every "today" in the hopes of a certain tomorrow. You must live every "today" with the belief that tomorrow will be good, no matter what it entails.
I had my mind set on what I wanted my tomorrows to be like. I was hell bent on making that a reality, but the problem was, I never stopped to enjoy my todays. I was in such a rush and wanted to get to tomorrow so fast (in hopes that they would be all I dreamt of), I overlooked many things. I never got to enjoy my life because I was so sure that the next day would bring me ultimate happiness. I know now that happiness is what you want it to be. I want to be happy, and I am going to be happy with how my life turned out.
Another thing I realized is that I was trying to change who I was to get to my happy place. No one should have to act a certain way or like certain music or look a certain way to make someone else happy or do it in hopes of achieving ultimate happiness themselves. I had tunnel vision and I thought I knew exactly how I wanted my life to be. I was wrong in that aspect. I wanted what I thought I could have, but was proved wrong when true colors were shown.
Whatever the case is, I was slammed with a lot over the past month, but I won't let it get me down. I found out that I am a lot stronger than I have ever been before, and knowing that is what is going to get me to the place in my life where I want to be...happy just being me.

Another Life Lesson

Everything happens for a reason, and with each reason, comes an important life lesson.
Life is too short to waste on the small things. Why put everything on hold all for the simple reason that you're unsure of what the future holds? Why not chase tomorrow like a mad-man and beat it at its own race? Dive right into the future and take your destiny into your own hands! You are in control of your own life, even though at times it may feel like you are spiraling into the grey of the unknown.
I think it is important to realize that there is no guarantee with the idea of tomorrow. There is nothing written in stone saying that tomorrow is a definite, so it is vital that we act upon what our hearts are telling us, and not give what we truly want, a chance to slip away.
If you had the choice to know when you or a loved one was going to die, would you want to know? If so, then why? So that you could make what time you have left together worth while? So you know how much longer you have with the person so you could make their (as well as your own) dreams come true? Well, we don't have that option in this crazy world we live in, and we shouldn't need it to show others how much they mean to us. We should spend every day knowing that we don't know when will be the last time we say goodbye or hello or I love you to someone. Instead of looking at life and love like it is something that will always be there, we should appreciate how precious it is and share it with someone else.
I know it is hard sometimes, when you know what you want but are apprehensive about going for it because you have so many other things on your plate. I know it's difficult at times to express what you truly feel, because you are worried that it may come out wrong or too needy. If we don't act upon the things that will lead us to a happier and more content future now, we may never have the chance to. So why risk losing everything because you are scared to see what happens? Why risk losing tomorrow because you think you need to fix today? Why risk losing yourself in a battle with yourself, over what you know you want in life? Take the future and take your destiny into your own hands and never let the petty little things in life (though they may seem big right now) overtake what you know is truly meant to be. You should not fear tomorrow, for the only thing that should be feared is the possibility that tomorrow may never come. You may never have the chance to say "I made my dreams come true" or that "I truly loved and was loved in return".

A lesson from "Bill"--I miss you!

Everyday is precious, so never take even one second for granted.
This past December, towards the end of the month, I lost someone that I held very close to my heart. I spoke with him just two days before he suffered a stroke, and we had made plans to go out and get a drink. He left me a voicemail two hours before his stroke saying he wouldn't be able to make it, but we can do it another time. The last words I said to him were "love you" and those were the last he said to me.
The week of hell seemed to last an eternity. I still feel as though I am wading through a dark fog. Life seems very surreal, and it hasn't hit me that he did pass away. I keep thinking I can call and we can talk like we always did. I keep thinking that he'll surprise me at work like he used to do. It's really hard accepting the fact that I can't call to talk to him and he won't stop in to see me anymore.
He lived his life like there was no tomorrow, and his lessons weren't apparent until he did pass away, but they are still important for everyone to understand.
Every time life throws a major curve ball or even a strike out, there is always something to be learned. The passing of this person who was like my second daddy has made me realize how precious everyday is. Not one second should be taken for granted. We must all live out our dreams, no matter what they may be. We need to say the things we want to say and not just tell, but remind our friends and family how much we love them. We need to tell them how much they mean to us and not be scared to see what their response will be.
Tomorrow may never come, and if it doesn't, I don't want there to be regrets. I don't want to look back and say I coulda, woulda, shoulda. I want to be able to look back and say "yeah, I had a good life". No one should take anything for granted! If you love someone, tell them! If you care about someone, let them know! Don't let words go unspoken because you are under the assumption they already know. Reiterate! Say what you want to say until you can say no more.
It really sucks that it takes something like this to make one understand how short life is. It also makes you realize how mortal everyone is. In the blink of an eye, life can permanently change, so make sure you tell people how much they mean to you, because within that blink, they may never be able to hear it again.
Life is precious, and never again will I take for granted a second, a moment, a heartbeat, a breath.
I love you!