Self Destruction is at hand
I feel like I am on a pathway to self destruction. Latching on to anyone who will accept me, I cross the boundaries and enter into war. I find myself being put into situations that at the time, I cannot say no to. But when they are over, that is when the word finally escape my lips. I wind up not only hurting others, but hurting myself in the process...But why can I not learn from the lessons that have already been taught to me?
You'd think that after all this time, after everything I have been through, I would have the sense to speak up and say what I mean. You'd think that by now, I would have the strength and the willingness to speak the truth and follow my instincts. But I don't seem to have any of these traits or characteristics. I feel like I am setting myself up to fail, because along the road to failure comes a sense of accomplishment and strength. It is a false sense, but at least for a little while, I felt like I was something more than nothing.
It's like I'm selling my soul all over again, but sadly, it doesn't seem to be worth much. Going out on a weekend, a few beers and a pack of smokes tends to be all its worth, and when they are gone and the weekend is over, I am back to being alone. It seems as though I want something so much, yet when I have it (or know I can have it) I don't want it anymore. By the time I realize that or figure it out, it is already too late. Innocent lives have already been affected by my workings and the casualty count is up and running again. I cannot take anything back, and tend to be losing a lot more than I am gaining.
It just doesn't make sense to me. I can't seem to find what makes me truly happy. Oh yeah, I know how to induce happiness, but it is not real. It is something that comes through outside forces and wears off, leaving me with a sick taste in the morning. Whatever I try seems to take me back, full circle, to the place where I already am. I just can't seem to get myself out of the sandtrap and back onto the green. Who knows, maybe I never will, but I do know that if I don't get out of it soon, self destruction will inevitably overtake who I am, and the darkness will never leave my life.
You'd think that after all this time, after everything I have been through, I would have the sense to speak up and say what I mean. You'd think that by now, I would have the strength and the willingness to speak the truth and follow my instincts. But I don't seem to have any of these traits or characteristics. I feel like I am setting myself up to fail, because along the road to failure comes a sense of accomplishment and strength. It is a false sense, but at least for a little while, I felt like I was something more than nothing.
It's like I'm selling my soul all over again, but sadly, it doesn't seem to be worth much. Going out on a weekend, a few beers and a pack of smokes tends to be all its worth, and when they are gone and the weekend is over, I am back to being alone. It seems as though I want something so much, yet when I have it (or know I can have it) I don't want it anymore. By the time I realize that or figure it out, it is already too late. Innocent lives have already been affected by my workings and the casualty count is up and running again. I cannot take anything back, and tend to be losing a lot more than I am gaining.
It just doesn't make sense to me. I can't seem to find what makes me truly happy. Oh yeah, I know how to induce happiness, but it is not real. It is something that comes through outside forces and wears off, leaving me with a sick taste in the morning. Whatever I try seems to take me back, full circle, to the place where I already am. I just can't seem to get myself out of the sandtrap and back onto the green. Who knows, maybe I never will, but I do know that if I don't get out of it soon, self destruction will inevitably overtake who I am, and the darkness will never leave my life.
posted by Ill-Fated Butterfly at 9:00 PM
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