Breakdown...I knew it was coming.

This is going to sound terrible. But I have to say it. I'm trying so hard. I'm trying to so hard to find that perfect someone. I'm trying to find that Mr. Right to start the family I always wanted with, not just for me, but because I know my dad wants it so bad. He wants me to be happy. He wants someone to be able to take care of me. And I want that too. Everyone wants that for me. But I don't think everyone realizes the pressure it puts on me and the feeling of failure I get knowing that I'm 30. Have been through 2 LONG TERM relationships and a shit ton of short-terms...and I have NOTHING to show for it. NOTHING!!

I know when I'm least expecting, "it" will happen. But it's so hard to try and stay oblivious to life when EVERYONE and their uncle keeps asking "why are you single?" Ummm, yea, I ask myself that same damn question everyday, thank you. Or when they say, "It's ok to take your time," or, "My kids married later in life too." I'M NOT THAT OLD!!! But people are making me feel like I'm over the hill. Like I'm past my prime. It's ridiculous!!!

I don't know what more I can do. I've tried meeting people. I've tried the online thing. I don't know where the hell to meet people!? I'm used to dating people I work with! It was so much easier then, but the company I'm with is small! I don't have that option anymore. So I have no clue WHAT to do!!!. *sigh*

Seriously, I feel like karma and life is having a good laugh at me right now. Maybe it's the truth. Maybe it's not. But whatever. It sure doesn't feel good.

Reason. Season. Lifetime.

It's sad when all of a sudden, the friends you thought you had, or moreover, the strength and depth of those friendships proves to not be as strong and deep as you had once believed.

One of the hardest things is seeing and feeling it, not just in one friendship, but in a couple. The ones you thought you were closest to. The ones you tried so hard to make a big piece of your life. The ones you consider family. The ones who swore with you that you'd never leave each other behind...have suddenly started leaving you in a trail of dust. Not caring. Not being there. Just not.

I get it, life can get in the way. Things happen. Stuff comes up. But really? Maybe this is just my life's lesson. Accepting that not everyone thinks of a friendship like I do. Not everyone is willing to put in the effort.

Nothing's stranger than people. That's what my parents always say. And as always, they're so right. It just sucks when you feel like you really can't depend or rely on your friends anymore. They say everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It's heartbreaking when you feel that those who were supposed to be a lifetime...might not be.

Thoughts of the Night

Wow. It has been quite the past couple months. Every time I want to write, something happens or comes up and I just don't feel the urge to. So while I have a moment of hazy clarity, I figured I would give it a shot.

Life. Is. Crazy. I mean just when you think you have a relatively good grasp on what's going on, something comes up and throws the groove way out of whack. Now this isn't always a bad thing, sometimes it's a really good thing. But the that's to be decided AFTER it happens and things get back on some kind of track.

So as always, I've been searching for "the one." I've been going as extreme as to try the online dating scene. Met 1 nice guys...and the rest were just all crazies. So I think this is where I'm just gonna pull a Carrie Underwood and say ok, "Jesus Take the Wheel." Time to leave this matter up to the higher beings that are out there. So God, the Cosmos, Karma, whomever, the matter is being left up to you now.

My dad had surgery a few weeks ago, and life since (and before) has been pretty rough. I'm not used to seeing my dad weak. I'm not used to seeing him not himself. But that's how it has been. It's scary, I won't lie. I hate seeing my mom sad. I hate seeing my dad look "old" to me. I hate not being able to do anything to make the situation right. It's definitely not cool. But healing takes times, for all of us. And I know this...but I was born without the virtue of patience.

So yea, it kinda feels like I'm at the bottom of a whirlpool. Or like I'm in the eye of a tornado and I am just watching everything swirl around me. But I'm not sure what move to make. What to do. Where to go. How to do anything. It's a very strange sense of calm I guess. I don't really know how else to say it. It's weird. And for once, I am speechless.

Fantasyland = Not cool

There are so many other more pertinent and important things to blog about, but I need to get my mind of the more important stuff for a minute...I hate being stuck in a fantasy.

My heart hurts, because I know a piece of me is living in a non-reality world. I still love someone...a lot...but I love what isn't...not what is or can be. And it's hard as hell to deal with. I mean, I think I'm semi-sabotaging myself by holding on to what can't be. But I don't want to let it go. It's craziness I tell you. Absolute craziness.

Ok, that's all I have for now.