WHEW. Feel better already.

Ok. So after much deep thought and internal mind wars, I have come to the conclusion that I am just an attention whore, lol. As much as I think I miss someone, I really think I just miss the attention I was showered with, and I don't like feeling like I am "unwanted" by them. Sounds conceited, but I don't mean it to me.

Once I shifted focus to other possibilities I realized I really didn't feel as heart-broken about the whole ordeal. Ok...so that sounds really shitty on my part, but at least I don't feel as confused anymore. That's always a plus.

I just need to keep myself in check with the the whole flirtation thing. I mean, that could definitely get me into trouble. However, it's just in my personality to be a flirt. I hate to say that, but it's the truth. That's just how I roll. I have a problem being a complete and utter bitch to people, especially those I care/cared about. I also have a problem ignoring them or turning down the attraction. But we shall see.

Baby steps all the way.

Song stuck on repeat...

So as always, when I get upset/confused, certain songs tend to stick and then loop in my head...here is one of the three that's on constant repeat...

Just A Dream:

I was thinkin about her, thinkin about me.
Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, yeah; it was only just a dream.
So I travel back, down that road.
Who she come back? No one knows.
I realize, yeah, it was only just a dream.

I was at the top and I was like I’m at the basement.
Number one spot and now she found her a replacement.
I swear now I can't take it, knowing somebody's got my baby.
And now you ain't around, baby I can't think.
Shoulda put it down. Shoulda got that ring.
Cuz I can still feel it in the air.
See her pretty face run my fingers through her hair.

My lover, my life. My shorty, my wife.
She left me, I'm tied.
Cuz I knew that it just ain't right.

I was thinkin about her, thinkin about me.
Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, yeah; it was only just a dream.
So I travel back, down that road.
Who she come back? No one knows.
I realize, yeah, it was only just a dream.

When I be ridin man I swear I see her face at every turn.
Tryin to get my usher over, I can let it burn.
And I just hope she notice she the only one I yearn for.
Oh I miss her when will I learn?

Didn't give her all my love, I guess now I got my payback.
Now I'm in the club thinkin all about my baby.

Hey, she was so easy to love. But wait, I guess that love wasn't enough.

I'm goin through it every time that I'm alone.
And now i'm missin, wishin she'd pick up the phone.
But she made a decision that she wanted to move one.
Cuz I was wrong.

And I was thinkin about her, thinkin about me.
Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, yeah; it was only just a dream.
So I travel back, down that road.
Who she come back? No one knows.
I realize, yeah, it was only just a dream.

If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
And now they're gone and you wish you could give them everything.
I said, if you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
And now they're gone and you wish you could give them everything.

I was thinkin about her, thinkin about me.
Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, yeah; it was only just a dream.
So I travel back, down that road.
Who she come back? No one knows.
I realize, yeah, it was only just a dream.

And I was thinkin about her, thinkin about me.
Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, yeah; it was only just a dream.
So I travel back, down that road.
Who she come back? No one knows.
I realize, yeah, it was only just a dream.

Ohhh me...crazy me...

Damn me. Damn me I say! I mean really. You'd think I'd learn?? I mean, ok, so I haven't done anything...NOR WILL I...however I hate the power of emotion. So I see the "overly obsessive one" and we act like we always did before. (gotta be professional ya know) but WHAM I'm hit with this woosh of emotion and a feeling of *sigh* I miss him. NOT COOL!!

I've been there. I've done that. I've made the mistake of trying again...but it sucks when your heart and brain are at odds. I mean really. REALLY?? Can I for once NOT look at a situation and wonder what if? Or what if it'd be different?

I really think it sucks to see someone you realize you cared for, but know it's not a good thing to try again. HA! I act like we had been dating for years and then broke up...but we hadn't even been dating! But now we're back to flirty fun and frisky kids and WHAM, all the emotions sweep back.

I know what he wants from me isn't something I Can give him AND I KNOW that he is too overly obsessive for my own good, but my heart really did hurt seeing him today...what does it all mean?!

This life I lead

Ok, SERIOUSLY?!!? How in God's good name do I ALWAYS attract raging psychos? I mean really?!?!? Is it karma? Do I just emit some beacon of attraction that calls to guys who are overly obsessive?

So I finally felt like I was getting to a good place. Even said "fine, we can switch to 'going steady' and call each other boyfriend/girlfriend..." That status change didn't even last 24 hours before it ended! And why? Why you may ask? Because the next morning I get an email starting out "I can't do this anymore" and continued into this schpiel about me not being ready and blah blah blah. After reading that, I knew there was something DEFINITELY not right about the situation. Because every time we were together, things were grand, but the second we were apart he flipped into over-bearing, need to be together-why don't you want to be with me mode.

I work 2 jobs, not because I want to, because I HAVE to. So I don't have a lot of spare time. Where he wanted me to pull free time to spend with him, I have no idea. But what I was offering wasn't enough. And I told him SINCE THE GET-GO that I am NOT ready for serious-serious but I am willing to take it slow, let things blossom and go from there. Which he "accepted"...not really. I even stepped outside my comfort zone by agreeing to go BF/GF.

Not cool. This is SOOOOO totally remniscent of another psycho situation I had to deal with in the past. And JUST when I'm finally feeling somewhat "at peace" with that original one, this happens! BAH! I just hope it simmers down and gets let go and nothing happens...

Quick realization

Ok...and so I become torn. Torn on a situation where I should not be torn at all, because things are progressing with one, and not really happening at all with another. But I realized that I'm attracted to someone because he reminds me of an ex...is that bad? I mean, he's sweet, funny, kind and there's just something about him that reminds me of someone from my past...and I like it...And I don't know if that's ok or not.

Now mind you the other person I am attracted to is also sweet, funny, kind, caring, hot and is madly in love with me...AND things are gradually progressing with him (to at the speed he wants, but he knows where I stand)...

Just a couple points I felt like bringing to the table.

Can we say confused???

Alright. So life is just royally fucked up right now. Not necessarily in a bad way, but it's just seven shades of insanity.

In a nutshell, I have someone who is willing to give me the world....but something is keeping me from taking it. I have no idea what it is. I asked for time, which I have been granted, but I don't understand why I'm so hesitant to take it. I mean, THIS IS IT! Someone who puts me first. Someone who wants to/does nice things for me, just because. Someone who wants to get married and make babies. Etc. etc. So what the hell is my deal??

He asked if I was over my last relationship, and I most assuredly said yes, but then he asked me again, and I think I might have faltered. Not that I'm not over it, but perhaps I'm just not ready to get back into something so deep so fast? Who knows. Again, luckily I've been granted time, in that he'd wait for me until I'm ready. And he's cool with taking it slow (which I am very adamant about). But I just can't understand myself. He is EVERYTHING I wished for in a man...So what am I so tweaked about?!?!

Like today, I started hyperventilating because he was downtown and I felt like I should invite him to see my office but I wasn't sure I was ready for him to see my office (and meet people along the way). But why? He's already met my friends and family. So what's the big deal? I DON'T KNOW!!! CONFUSION!!!

Life in a Tizzy

BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Really? Really drama? Do you REALLY need to be involved in my life 24/7??!?!? I am at such a loss right now. I mean, definitely went from 0 to 60 back down to zero in a matter of 3 seconds. It's insane!

So life's going good, la, la, la, la. Fell pretty hard but was pretty ok with it...then jealousy reared its evil little head. BAH!! I understand that guys are territorial. I get it, they're protective. But if you ask a question, be prepared for the answer. NOT the answer you want, any answer you may get. That most certainly did not happen.

I was honest. I told the truth. I let him in on some things about my life. But of course, that was like opening a whole can of worms.

I have a stomach ache. I'm tired. And I just don't know what to do. Whirlwind romance sure put my head, heart and life in a tizzy!

Butterflies Out The Belly Button

Could it be? Has it happened? I think it has...

I have fallen...HARD. Once I gave myself a roundhouse-kick reality check to the face and made myself realize and know that it's OK to like someone-like someone, it just turned into a snowball effect.

Once I stopped being scared of having feelings and actually let myself enjoy them, OMG, it's just amazing. And to think, I actually almost botched it by being over-neurotic and over-analyzing everything. Thank god I didn't.

He's sweet. He's kind. He thinks of me. He does/says little things that mean so much...*grin* just the thought of him makes me smile...And when I start, I can't stop! My parents really like him, my friends really like him, I really like him...*sigh* (in a good way). Gotta love the butterfly feeling. :-)