Crazy Flashback Memory

As I was driving home from work2.0 last night, all of a sudden I had a flashback to when Dan and I were dating and we were still working together. We didn't have a "forbidden" relationship, because though he was a manager, he wasn't manager of my department. But of course being in a workplace, we really couldn't do/show PDAs, so I told him that if he sees me tapping my lips it means I'm sending him a kiss and if I tap my chest (above my heart) it means "I love you." I just remember him stocking the dried fruits section and me being on register 10. He looked over and I tapped my chest...and he smiled and tapped back. Then when he was walking across front end, he looked right at me and tapped his lips.

Such a crazy flashback...it made me smile. I had to share.

It's That Time Again...Again...

Every year around this time, I get the same "heavy heart" feelings. So many things, life-altering things happened between the months of October and December. From new relationships, to break-ups, to "mistakes" that were the best mistakes that could have happened....Total game changers.

And every year, I get sad. I somehow always seem to forget until the season hits and then WHAM, like a MAC truck it slams into my psyche and consciousness. And then I'm left in a world of thought. My mind is going hard-core 25/7 (if that's even possible). My dreams are so realistic, when I wake up, I can't tell if they really happened or not. I hate sounding crazy, but I almost feel like I can't get a good grasp on reality. What is? What isn't? What was or wasn't? So insane.

And you'd think I would be used to feeling emotionally and mentally unsettled, because this has happened every year for the past 10 years, but I'm not...I never am. One would think I would stray away from listening to songs that remind me of the past, looking through pictures and notes and cards, reading back through old journals....But I don't. I keep doing it. Maybe I don't want to forget? Maybe like the song says "I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all."

Back to Indecisive

It's funny. I was feeling so good, and then all of a sudden, that feeling shifted.

Not to sound weird or conceited or whatever the word I'm searching for is, but I have the opportunity to start again (a couple opportunities)...but I just don't know. As much as I want to, I feel like there's something holding me back. But I don't know what it is. Fear? Uncertainty? Unreadiness? Sadness? I don't know what it is. It's just crazy.

I have this "criteria" I'd like to hit, and no one seems to hit all the points of it, or if they do, there's an extra little add-on I wasn't counting on. So confusing. So insane. But what is holding me back?

Am I really not ready? I mean, I can't lie, I do kinda dig the whole single thing. But on the other hand, I miss having someone. I feel like I swing back and forth everyday. I know I'm usually indecisive, but lately, I am more so than ever! OOF!

Thoughts on Being Sick

Being sick SUCKS.

I hate it, hate it, HATE IT.

My nose is so stuffy, I just want to get one of those sucky things from the dentist office, jam it up my nostril and turn it on.

You never realize how good it feels to be healthy, until you get sick.

My face is puffy, and when I push on it, I can feel the mucus-grossness shifting.

"Sick boogers" have a certain scent...I have no clue how to describe it, but they just smell like boogers.

Having no voice is kinda fun...but kinda annoying. I sound like a boy who's possessed and going through puberty at the same time.

I really wish they had over-the-counter antibiotics...even low-grade! I get it, my sickness isn't an infection, but when the nurse practitioner throws in the "yet" it's like DUH! Give them to me now so I can fight it off, dur!

Being sick makes me into a complete baby.

Final thought...I HATE BEING SICK!!!!

Welcome to the Land of Me

And I sit.
Quiet, silent, alone...
Lost in a moratorium of thought.
I sigh, breathless whispers of truth,
lies, stories,
tales spun into a web of what is, what could be, what was.
My thoughts echo in the cavernous realm of my mind.
My dreams flicker like a candle's flame
in an exasperated breath.
My hopes blanket the air like
a cool, autumn fog rolling across a warm, grassy knoll.
My fears illuminate like a harvest moon
battling a blazing summer sun...
While I sit here,
quiet, silent, alone...
lost in my moratorium of thought
in the land of me...

Up on the pedestal...

WOW. So I am really not used to so much attention. And while it's "cool," it's also a little overwhelming...but in a good/bad way. I don't know. I think I'm being over-sensitive to a lot of stuff. I'm also trying to not ignore gut-feelings (which I can't tell if I'm having or just thinking I'm having).

My biggest concern is leading someone on. I don't want to do that. I hate doing that. It's not like me to do that. So I am trying to just keep things level. Not talk ahead of myself. Not get too into anything. Put the kibosh on anything that doesn't make sense to me or makes me feel uncomfortable. Sheesh, that is so much easier said than done.

I'm just not used to being put on a pedestal. It's kinda scary up here. I'm worried the wind's going to knock me down at some point.

Again, my biggest fear is just leading him on or him rushing too fast. I don't know how casual dates work. I don't know if there are rules and procedures that need to be followed. I do know I'm not ready/don't want to go exclusive (at least not right now). So that should probably be faced sooner than later. I should google casual dating and see what results I find, because God knows I have NO CLUE how that works.

Back on the horse

What a fabulously awesome night I had tonight. Had my first date-date as a single chic. It went very well. We went to a haunted house and then out to to dinner. And he was the perfect gentleman. It was just so nice. I was so nervous beforehand. I mean, so stupid nervous just because, well, this is something I am SO not used to. But it went swimmingly and I am just happy as a lark. (Cue the corniness to commence!) And now I don't want to go to bed. I just want to stay up and watch movies. LOL. OOF!

400th Post!!!

WOW! My 400th post! That must be like a record or something. And I'm pleased to say that this post is actually a HAPPY one!

I am just beaming right now. I love happy days. Happy days are good. I can't stop smiling. It is such an awesome feeling. I'm a little nervous and a bit apprehensive, but excited nonetheless. Life is good :-)

WAHOO! Come on good day! Keep on coming!! :-)

...

Uhhhhh...f?

Hmmm...what's my next play...

I'm confused. Not quite sure how to feel. Do I like? Do I like-like? I mean every time I see him I kind of get that feeling...that rush. But is it just because? Do I pursue? Do I hold back? I promised never again...but did I mean it? I mean, really mean it? Oh I'm so torn. And it's always on my mind. It's not something that only pops into my head when I see him. But is that because this is the first after the break up? I can't tell what he's thinking, and I don't really want to ask because I think I'm worried the answer...in either direction. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh life! Yea, this is the exciting time where it's like hmmmm, what will happen next. It's that fun being-on-the-prowl-single-kinda-feeling...but....What do I do?? And I know no one can answer that question but me...I guess I'm also scared of f'ing up a friendship. Oh boy. Make a move? Don't make a move? I don't know?!