Rough week ahoy...

Ohhhhh it's going to be a rough week. I know it's just because it's "that" week, but it doesn't make it any easier. I keep thinking back, getting those emotional wooshes of happiness that inevitably turn to a painful sting. Again, I know it was the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean I can't miss him or us on occasion.

I can't help but wonder if he feels the same way. Not like it would change anything. Not like it would do anything. But at least, I don't know, I'd feel better knowing he did? Yes, it's gay. Yes, I'm being stupid girl. But it's just that inner female in me that wants me to know that it's kinda tough on him too. That yes, he thinks of me sometimes and feels the same sting. I'm not trying to sound like I want him crying himself to sleep at night thinking of me (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO). But I just, I don't know, feel like it'd make me feel better knowing that what we had WAS real to him?

Oh stupid babbling and I'm not even drinking! Night one no adult beverage! Insanity.

It doesn't help that his bday is next Monday either and I had the flash of excitement of what kind of cake I'd bake him or what I'd get him as a gift. *sigh* Damn femaleness.

Sentimental patch-o-ice...

OOF. Just hit a patch of sentimental ice...Watching the Steelers game for the first time in 4 years without a partner in crime. It feels so weird. I didn't think it'd be hard...but it kinda is. Who am I kidding with "kinda"??? Lol :-/

I have a feeling it's going to be quite a season. I have my Terrible Towel on the arm of the couch...I have my Steelers blanket on the back. I have my jersey prepped and ready to go, my winter-wear too. My Steelers purse is primed and ready for carrying...But there's a piece that's missing.

God do I sound gay or what?! Oh well, I can't help it. Just not something I banked on being hard, ya know?

Just The Way You Are

I stumbled across this song while I was searching for something to listen to on the radio. It has some of the most beautiful lyrics I have ever heard. I hope one day I can find a guy who thinks this way...

Just The Way You Are

Oh, her eyes, her eyes,
make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair,
falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful,
and I tell her every day

Yeah, I know, I know, when I compliment her
she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so, sad
to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look ok,
I say...

When I see your face,
there's not a thing that I would change
Because you're amazing,
just the way you are
And when you smile,
the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing,
just the way you are

Her lips, her lips,
I could kiss them all day if she let me
Her laugh, her laugh,
she hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful,
and I tell her every day

Oh, you know, you know, you know,
I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for
then just stay the same
So, don't even bother asking if you look ok
You know I'll say

When I see your face,
there's not a thing that I would change
Because you're amazing,
just the way you are
And when you smile,
the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing,
just the way you are

The way you are, the way you are
Girl you're amazing,
just the way you are
When I see your face,
there's not a thing that I would change
Because you're amazing,
just the way you are
And when you smile,
the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing,
just the way you are. Yeah

Life is good

Life is so amazing.

Though this is going to sound over-dramatic, I don't care. You wait all your life for one single moment, and then that moment begins to approach you, and you're scared. The pros and cons start running through your mind. The "what ifs" and "what thens." But then the moment actually arrives and all the doubts, uncertainties, thoughts, everything washes away. And you're just there with that moment. And all of a sudden, life feels OK.

Where the road takes me from here, I do not know. But I'm also not really worried about it. Because at present, life is good.

WHHHHHOOOOOOAAAAA!

WHHHHOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAA life! What are you doing!? You're getting all crazy with the cheez-whiz! It feels like all of a sudden you went into overdrive and now the world and thoughts are just zipping by. I'm not complaining by any means, but it's just so crazy-insane!

Ugly Duckling Day

One of the worst things about being female is having ugly days. They are so not cool. Looking in the mirror and feeling blech is never a nice thing. It sucks quite honestly. But tis part of the curse of being a girl I guess.

I really shouldn't feel icky though. There is no reason to. I've been working out, eating right and feeling great. I shouldn't look down at myself.

I was thinking back to a time when I felt 24/7 invincible. It was in the "Days of Dawn." Together, we were the ultimate power force. Feeding off each other. Living off the high we had when together. The Days of Dawn weren't all candycanes and lollipops though. We got into a lot of trouble together, but at the time, it was all in good fun. I kind of miss those days. Not being stupid-stupid, but being stupid-fun. It's quite hard to explain.

Maybe it was because we were the hot shit. We were always the ones lusted after. We were always the ones who seemed to get any man we wanted. I think it was partly due to our confidence and our ability to let anything negative roll off our backs and just carry on with life. I often wonder how she's doing. And if we were to get back together, if things would pick up where they left off, or if it'd be semi-awkward. Hmmmm. That might have to remain a question of the ages, forever surrounded in mystery.

Cuz growin' up is hard to do...

Sometimes it is SO damn hard to sit here and grit your teeth and try and be nice to people when you really just want to bitch them out. They say you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar, but sometimes I don't know. Sometimes I think you just need to get hot-headed and let it all out to actually be taken seriously (on the phone with DirecTV customer service btw). And by george! I think it worked!

Ya know, I had such an awesome weekend, but the thought of work in the morning just wears on the brain. I do still love what I do, but I feel I just need a break from life (sadly it's not time to retire). Everything is going really well, it just seems like there's not enough hours in the day to actually live.

I realized that in school, it was ok to be dead tired. It was ok to pull all-nighters and make it through the day. It was ok to be way hungover and sneak out early....but in real life, you can't. That's what makes it so trying. You need to be at the top of your game all the time. You need to be responsible. You need to be grown up. You need to be adult. BAHHHHHH!

Even bedtime is an issue! Knowing what time I need to be up makes nightly activities so rough! I think being a Gemini I am just way to schedule-oriented. It's something I need to work on, most definitely. I don't HAVE to be up to work out...I could do it after work, but then I don't want to. And I feel so much better working out in the morning...*sigh*. God this getting old thing SUCKS!!!

I wish I hadn't wished life away when I did.

Awkward Situation #1

I went to a wake yesterday for the dad of 2 of my friends from high school. The older brother and I had a thing back in the day (we're talking circa 1999) so it was WAY back in the day. We ended up going out for a few months but broke up because he was at OSU and I was at Kent. We saw each other a few more times throughout the year, but he turned into a mega alcoholic asshole and we had a blowout and didn't speak after that.

So another friend and I got to the wake and we saw the younger brother first. Hugs and kisses, caught up a bit and then we saw the older one. We excused ourselves and went over to him.

When we walked up he looked shocked/amazed/confused/wtf etc. So she gave him a hug first, then me next, and he seemed kind of hesitant, but I got a good, tight squeeze. He was standing next to a blond girl so we took a step back for the introduction and he said "This is my girlfriend Maria, errr umm Miranda. Maria this is Miranda..." OMG it was an epic moment! LOL. Neither my girlfriend nor I said anything and we tried to play it off like it wasn't anything big, but we could tell she was NOT a happy camper. LOL.

Of course, she tried to assert her dominance by being VERY reassuring to me how much they've gone through and how happy they are...blah blah blah. But it was still one of those moments that was so classic, I couldn't help but smile inside.

Awkward Situation #2

I feel bad about something I shouldn't feel bad about. I did dinner with a friend I haven't seen in ages a couple weeks ago. It went well, but I was a bit leery (because me being me, I'm always worried guys are going to think more of a casual dinner than it really is). Well it was an ok time, we caught up, I stressed the whole "I'm happy with how my life is right now," ya know, all that jazz.

So I get an email today that says something along the lines of "want to dinner/movie. I'd love to take you out." OOF!!! So of course my first thought is AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW FUCK. Same with the second and third. So I replied and politely said that it's a very sweet offer but honestly, I'm not looking for anything more than a friendship.

I know he had to have read the reply because I saw him online a few times, but he didn't say anything or reply...

I know I shouldn't feel bad, because I was honest. I really have no attraction to him other than being a friend. I was honest. I didn't play the "sure" card where I agree and just keep putting it off. I didn't even remotely lead him on either! I was VERY cognisant of it. *sigh* Haven't gone through one of these situations in MANY moons, and while it is very flattering, it's just rough. OOF!

How to be alone

Ze Frank knows his shit! The man is a genius...as are the things he likes. Check out the link below, it's a refreshing look at being "alone".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs&feature=player_embedded#!

Sick of it!

I'M SICK OF THE BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

Ouch!

Well it's officially been over 2 months since the break (2 months, 1 day). One might think that's enough time to be completely over it to the point of not caring...but that's not how I roll. If you cut me, do I not bleed??

So I'm sitting up front and the CEO is talking to another girl about her breakup and was teasing her saying "do you think you'll bump into each other a lot," (her ex is from Buffalo, NY). She laughed it off and said no. Then he pulled me into it and said "Not like you see your ex that often, huh?" FULLY KNOWING that we are broken up...That hurt. That stung. That made me feel a little sad. I know I need to get over it, but seriously?

OUCH!

Ehhhh kinda night...

I'm teetering on the edge of happy and sad...yes, both emotions. Which I guess means I'm indifferent? I don't know. I know I should be happy and go-lucky right now, but for some reason I feel kind of hum-glum. I wish I knew why.

There is a new moon tonight. That could be it. But from what I've read, it's supposed to be a good one, not bring about iffiness. So strange. Maybe it's just one of them nights?

I miss dating. I know that's one thing that's on my mind. Not like I want to run out and find someone-find someone. But I miss having someone to take me out, to want to hang out with me, to tell me I'm sexy, etc etc. Guess that's just the girl in me coming out, lol.

Another suitcase and another hall..

I feel so bad. I have a friend who is going though a very rough break-up, and it just breaks my heart to know how much pain she is in. It's not fair what she went through. The guy was being a complete and utter asshole the past couple months, going schitzo, back and forth with what he wanted to do and she was there with him, every step of the way, trying to make it work.

I know it hurts, but I'm glad she is now on the road to recovery, because she deserves so much better than him. I always thought he was a bit chachy, but then I got to know him and he didn't seem that bad. Looks like I should have stuck with my gut impression and feelings about him. I just can't believe how much shit he dragged her through.

It's rough because I still feel the sting of pain and sadness from my own heartbreak. But she looks to me for strength and that is just what I am giving her. No cliche motivational/inspirational bullshit, just the facts and truths of the matter. She is stronger than she knows and realizes. She will be ok. And I told her, she just needs to know deep down in her heart that she did EVERYTHING in her powers to make it work, so there should be no regrets.

Reminds me of an Andrew Lloyd Webber song...Another suitcase and another hall. So what happens now. Take your picture off another wall...

Life Is Good

I love my friends. Old, new and rekindled.

I had such a lovely weekend this weekend. Both Friday and Saturday night I sat around a fire with my peeps and just chillaxed. It was wonderful. Friday, an old friend I haven't seen in 6 years came over. It was awesome. He's still the nice guy he always was, which is cool. We reminisced and filled in the blanks of the last 6 years and just kicked it. Good times.

Saturday night it was like a Heinen's reunion. 5/6 of us worked there. Hahaha. It was such a good time. We laughed, we made fun of each other, we confused each other. It was perfect.

My brother and sister-in-law gave me a coffee mug for my birthday that reads "Smile. Life is good." And every morning, I look at that mug and smile. Because I know it's true. Yes, there are hiccups. Yes, there are some things that weigh heavy on my mind. Yes, there are some things that make me want to cry or make me want to change. But all-in-all, life isn't just good, life is awesome.

I need to maintain this mindset. I need to maintain this sense of peace. Because honestly, it makes me feel good and normal. It makes me feel beautiful and happy. It makes me feel like me again.

Thinking about him...

Last night was a little rough for me. I was doing A-OK all night, but when I laid down and curled up, all of a sudden I got a ping of sadness. Somehow, the way I was holding the pillow reminded me of him and I squeezed my eyes tight and tried to imagine how his heartbeat used to sound. I tried to remember the feeling of his hand on mine and just the warmth of his body. I didn't want to wander back into that emotional state, but I did.

My heart started to ache and yes, I did begin to feel sad and lonely, but I just kept thinking about the good times that are soon to come. I do miss him. I do miss us. But as I've said before, I know it's better for both of us to just be friends, the way we are now. It may suck at times. There are times I just want to throw my arms around him and give him a great big hug or kiss. There are times I just want him to hold me and tell me things are going to get easier. But I'm a tough cookie. I can get through this. It's all about taking life one moment at a time.

Feeling good in the hood

WOW. I had a killer weekend and now I am extremely tired and EXTREMELY sore from wakeboarding, hehehe.

So I went out of town this weekend, which was a good thing, because it was a much-needed escape. Away time gave me the opportunity to step away from my life here and almost, in a sense, look at it from a third-party perspective. It was quite interesting.

I realized a few things about myself, some good, some bad, but they were realizations nonetheless. Like I really came to terms with how different my mentality is now, compared to how it was years ago. That is a good thing. I also had the ability to just be one with myself and my body. I strutted my stuff in my bikini and felt damn good! I may not be perfectly toned, but I felt sexy! And I LOVED that feeling. I plan to try and keep my mindset like that.

Sheesh. I'm so tired I don't even know if my babbling is making any sense. I hope it does, because I don't have the motivation to go back through and try and make it work, lol. Oh well.