New Year's Resolutions, Ahoy!

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times, hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe

DAMN STRAIGHT! I love this quote! And in an attempt to actually keep my resolutions this year, I have been repeating that over and over in my head. I'm tired of being a door mat! I'm tired of having to try and impress people or change who I am because they don't understand/appreciate the quirks that make me ME!

If you don't like me or have a problem with the way I act/talk/am then too bad. I don't need to impress ANYONE. And I'm not going to be a raging bitch or anything, but in the same, I am not going to stand for someone, anyone expecting me to change just because they have a problem with or don't understand my personality...If they don't get the way I am, then that is THEIR problem, not mine! And they should be the one worker harder to understand me, not me working harder to change in an attempt to make them like me.


So yea, I am totally getting a jump start on my New Year's resolutions and it feels DAMN GOOD! Another one of them is to actually do what makes me happy and not worry so much about pleasing everyone else. I'm not going to disregard others' feelings but I'm also going to try and stop letting them have power over me. For a while now, I have been so concerned with pleasing everyone else, I never really stopped to do what would make me happy...which has actually made me quite sad and upset. But that's all changing! I am going to get back the girl I used to be! Because I miss her, and miss feeling complete with myself.

So yea...that's what's going on in my life...And I feel DAMN GOOD about taking the steps I am taking!

I need a sign!!!!!

How does a person know what the right decisions in life are? How does a person know that the direction they're headed is right for them? They don't...THAT'S LIFE! Why can't I accept that?

I keep second-guessing everything about my life...And I don't know if that's normal? Or if that's my inner-self's way of smacking my outer-self and being like WTF?! Is it a relaity check?? Or is it normal?

And yes, I know, I think way too much...But that's how I roll. I think too God damn much about everything. I've just never felt as uncertain as I do right now. And that scares the hell outta me. From what kind of toothpaste to buy to what I'm going to do over the weekend to where I want to go with my life, I have been second-guessing everything. It's not cool...And I'm scared I'm making the wrong decisions or not following my gut enough...

I just need a freakin' sign! I need some kind of sign to give me direction. Lord! Please! I need something, ANYTHING! Please help me...

A Look Back

It's kind of a bittersweet day today. Remembrances of the days of yore flood back...thoughts of the uncertainties of tomorrow overtake me...and just when I feel my brain will explode because of the insanity of it all, I get my horoscope:

"Life is harder than it ought to be for you today, but that doesn't mean you need to give up and go home. If anything you should see it as another challenge to overcome with your usual aplomb."

WOW! Horoscopes get me every time...It is true, things are harder than they should be, and the reason that is (I believe) is partly due to the fact that I have "tamed" myself a bit...And I am not a tame person. I am a crazy, rambunctious, outgoing chica...and for the past few years, I have tried to quell that rebellious side.

Well NO MORE! (Or perhaps just kinda chill on the attempted self-chillage). New Year's Resolution? Oh, it could definitely be one of them!

Screaming on the inside

I'm so tired of being confused. I'm so tired of feeling vendictive. I'm so tired of feeling as indecisive as I do. I don't understand what is going on with me, and therefore, I can't fix me!!!

I want to be happy. I really do. I wish I could stop caring as much as I do. To stop worrying as much as I do. To stop wondering as much as I do. But I CAN'T!! I don't know if I need to find a counselor or what. I just feel so lost.

It's like I'm screaming inside my head, and all I can hear is the echo of it. I get dizzy from all the thoughts and ideas that whirl around in my head, so much that I start feeling sick. I can see pain and sadness in my eyes, but I don't know what I can do/what can be done to make it go away.

I feel like I'm mentally beating myself to a bloody-pulp, but I'm not gaining anything from it.

Life shouldn't be this difficult or confusing...

Too Complicated

Oye vey...Kinda having a day/night today. Lots of stuff swirling in the noggin...I'm not too keen on any of it.

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I don't like that. But I can't help it. I mean, things are different now than they were 3 weeks ago (different in a good way) but I can't help but be scared they're going to revert back. I know that one thorn is just waiting to stab me in the side again... I'm not a fan of living in that kind of fear.

I'm just so confused. Confused as to what I'm confused about. Things are going great, why question them...I just have an uneasy feeling lurking in the depths of my stomach and it just won't go away. And that is what's bothering me. And also, I can't really bring it up to talk about, because that, unfortunately, will trigger some sort of fight or argument and I really don't want to start something over nothing.

So I just don't know. I hate getting upset over nothing, but again, I can't help it. It's complicated and it shouldn't be.

Talking In Circles

WOW. Ok so after my last post, I'm not sure how to deal with myself. I mean, I feel a great weight lifted, yet another placed on. It's so strange. It's almost like I realize that everything I had once believed doesn't necessarily have to be so, so the chains are broken and I free from those binding thoughts...But what do I do or where do I go from here? Does that make any sense??

No, I haven't gone to the doctor yet or anything, but I just feel like my whole mindset is offset now. I've been having really crazy-weird dreams lately, which make nights not very restful or peaceful. I also noticed that my eye twitches when I think about certain things/situations--and yea, I know, don't think about them and it won't twitch, but it's kinda hard not to when they concern everyday life. OOOf, it just did it again because I thought about stuff, lol.

So yea, I'm kinda more confused now because I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if this new found sense of mental freedom is a good thing or a bad thing...because albeit I feel free...the freedom kinda puts a hinderance on me because everything I thought or believed now doesn't have to be so...So I am open to do ANYTHING...But not really.

Wow, ok, talking myself in circles isn't going to get me anywhere, lol. I guess I will depart and try to figure this stuff out as time goes by.

I Figured Me Out!

It just dawned on me...I just figured out what my issue is...ok here goes...
For some reason I feel that if I don't get my "life" going within 2 years, I will lose it all together. I don't mean to sound stupid paranoid or insane, but for some reason there is something that is pushing me to hurry myself along.

It's kinda scary...seeing as how I have to go see yet another doctor in 2 weeks to check something out. It's like, what if she finds something uncurable? What if I have a lifespan much shorter than I would like? What it? Just what if?!?!?!

So I am really hoping that the reason behind this mindset is because I had conditioned myself to believe that I would be married and have kids by the time I was 30...I mean, looking at everyone else (everyone as in friends, family, celebrities) there is NOTHING wrong with not being married by 30. So again, I just mega hope that my reasons for wanting/pushing are just due to preconditioned notions...not to something more upsetting and dire...like my body or mind knowing that if I don't hurry this along, I will lose my chance all together.

God, I feel like I sound so freaking scared and paranoid. I'm almost embarrased to publish this post...but I want to. Regardless of how my issue turns out, this post will either serve to make me chuckle at what a noid I'm being or make me chuckle that I didn't trust in my gut...I do hope it's the former...hehehe.

But yea. I feel better knowing I have figured myself out in that respect...but now that I have, what do I do? I mean, where do I go from here? Fully realizing and knowing what the deal is??? Am I being unreasonable to want to settle down? Should I be getting back out there and going to school, hosting parties for friends and families, starting a baking business, working at publishing my book...Ohh such insanity.

It's weird to say but it's almost like I feel I have a whole new lease on life...I'm just not sure how to put it to the best use.

Crazy Life

Life is a crazy ball of wax I tell ya...I mean, just when you think one thing, WHAM! It's time to think another.

This past week has really been awesome. Like hella awesome. But then the "when" factor comes in...How long will the awesomeness last? When will something come up that brings everyhing back to the way it was? And I hate thinking like that. But I have to keep on my guard. I don't want to let myself fall back into a naive state-of-mind or put my blinders back up.

Yuck. I so felt like writing, and now I don't. I hate when that happens. I had so much I wanted to say...Now I can't think of any of it.

From better to worse in a flash

Ya know...I know it's too soon to tell. I know it's only been a few days, but just when I start feeling better, something's said that makes me feel blech again. I know I can't let what other people think influence how I feel, but it's kinda hard not to. And as much as I try to NOT let it bother/bug me...it sure does make me feel like I want to yack.

And so begins my Tewwwwsday.