Always losing

Well, it's me again. Crazy neurotic me. I totally had a melt down tonight. Luckily my hunny was there for me to let me cry it out--kinda talk it out--and then help me reason it out.

I feel a little better, but in part, a little worse. I read an interesting article in TIME that said something along the lines of "sometimes thinking positively isn't the best thing to do in all situations because for those that are depressive or self-haters, trying to reinforce a positive thought or boost their confidence may have an adverse effect on them and in turn, make them feel worse." I think that's how life work's with me.

When I try to think positive and reinforce some positive thoughts, I wind up getting even more down on myself because I start realizing how far off I am from actually achieving those goals/thoughts. I seriously HATE feeling this freaking s;djf a;sldjf;lsdf but I do...and I always have.

I told my bf...I have been losing a never ending battle all my life. He said I will win...I hope that's true. Every so often I think I am getting ahead...but in reality, I think I may just be wounded, laying in a puddle of my own blood, and any thoughts of winning are just a delirious side effect of the blood loss...