Getting Me Back

I know what it is! I have come to the realization that I am not mad at anyone but myself! I take out all my anger and my sadness and sorrow and aggression on the people I hold nearest and dearest to me, but it is ME that I'm mad at!! I'm mad at myself for being mad at myself!

I've been snippy and bitchy to my boyfriend, whom I hold nearest to my heart, for the past couple weeks. If he reads this, I hope he knows, I am so, so incredibly sorry. I get mad at myself for not being "perfect". But "perfect" isn't what is dictated or defined by others, but dictated and defined by myself. I'm not thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, not advanced enough etc. etc. I'm everything I am not, and nothing that I feel I should be (to myself)! And that's not right!

So I am taking a stance, here and now, to stop!! I may not be physically where I want to be, but that won't change over night. It takes time...Like everything else, it just takes time.

So here I go, on my mission to get back the real me, the me I was before I tried to be the ultimate "everything for everyone"...And just get back to being me...

Bashings

I don't know if there's been something in the water or what, but it seems that for the past week, it has totally been a bash-me kinda time. I have had so many comments made against me I could just spit nails (after the pain a/o sadness leaves me).

Am I really a bad person? I mean, honestly, is karma trying to bitch slap me for something I did? I really have no clue what I could have done to deserve all this crap. There are certain things that HAVE gone right, I don't want to sound like a whiny little bitch, but it just seems like right when something goes fantabulously right, something happens as a counteract.

I told one of my friends, I don't want to seem like I'm taking things for granted. I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate and I'm not grateful for all the wonderful things I have going on for me, but I just really wish I'd stop getting the shit-end of the stick on a weekly, if not day-to-day, basis. I just want people to think before they speak and realize just how hurtful things that are mis-phrased can be.

Any finally, as said in a previous post. I just want to feel like I'm number 1. Like I don't have to compete against the world in an attempt to get time...Will it happen? Hehe, we shall see...

Just once...

I don't get upset that there is stuff going on, I get upset because it feels like I have to get penciled in early and work around everyone's schedules in an attempt to actually spend/have quality time together. I don't have that many friends. I don't have that many acquaintances. When it comes to going out and doing stuff (bars, amusement parks, parties, chill-out time) I have come to realize, I DON'T! But I would like to!
I'd love to NOT have to ask months ahead of time "hey, are you busy this weekend because I'd like to go..."! I'd love for ONCE to just not feel second best or like I have to compete...Just once...

Ongoing Battle

Sometimes I wonder if I can ever compare to everything else...It's a ongoing battle, and once in a while, I feel I start to win, but then in the blink of an eye...I start losing again...

Who knows?

LOL. Miss a month then go 2 days in a row!? Who woulda thunk it?!?

It's strange tonight. I went from really happy to really sad in the blink of an eye. I think I let stuff that tries to drag me down actually do it. What is it though? Let me attempt to start....

I don't want to seemingly take anyone for granted, but every so often, I wish for once I wasn't me. Every so often, I wish I had a huge group of friends. Every so often, I wish I was that girl (again) who had the parties every weekend. Who had an assload of people over all the time. The girl who "had it all together" and other youngins "looked-up to..." anymore, I feel like a washed-out, has been.

When I was in school, working 40+ hours/week and taking a full time course load at Kent, I felt like I had all the time in the world. I may have been up at 6:15am, and I didn't get home from work until 10pm, and I may have had homework and other crap to do, but I still had time to party hard, get shit done, and then to be up and ready for another day of stuff at 6:15am again. What happened to that girl?!? Anymore, I'm up at 5:45am, I get home at 6:30 pm and I'm in bed by 11pm...give or take depending on the night. This entire "grown-up life" isn't all that it was cracked up to be, let me tell you.

As time wears on, and I look back and see that my past is nothing more than ashes getting lost in the wind, I can't help but ponder what would have been, if what could have been...I love my life now. I love my boyfriend more than anything in this world, and my best friend(s) I would give my life for, but every so often, I just wish that I could absolutely, totally and utterly accept the life that I am leading. All of it. From top to bottom. Left to right. Etc. etc....Ahhh such is life, to always wonder and ponder what ifs.

Who knows where the morning shall take me (aside from work). Maybe to an enlightened state of being? HAHA! I could only wish. And with the vividness and indepthedness of all the dreams I have on any given night, I should go into an observation study because HOLY HELL they are weird!

Ok, off I go. What can I leave you to ponder...Hmmm..Who knows? Only time...

It's been a while...

(Wow, I've never missed a month before).

Obviously it has been a while, but that doesn't mean that I haven't had many things to say and write about. Today though, today has been a trying day from start to finish.

I woke up with a HORRIBLE dream fresh on my mind, one that I couldn't shake for the life of me. Then as the day progressed, it was the little things that were getting to me. A woman at work's father is in the hospital and they are taking him off life support, which triggered memories of Bill and the 10 days of raging emotion around that. I took a comment the wrong way today and got BEYOND upset, to the point of actually breaking down and having to pull myself back together. There's more to that one, but that's a whole other story. It seemed like most of the people I encountered today must have had an extra bowl of DURRR Flakes this morning because they were idiots...Yea, it was that kind of day.

I've realized that I live outside myself. I realized that as I live my day-to-day life, I am in a sense floating above my physical being. I am a disconnected extension of more internalized feelings that I don't/can't bring to the real person I am. This doesn't mean that I'm not myself, it just means that I haven't quite gotten the hang of "me" yet. There's still the little things that I want to change, but nothing seems to be working, so then I'm led to believe, maybe this is just how I was meant to be. Perhaps I am utilizing the "grass is greener..." mentality?

Who knows? Right now though, I feel like life is a game of Russian Roulette, and I'm playing with a semi-automatic.