I think this is the girliest POS I have ever written

This is sad and very hard for me to admit because I don't usually stoop to the level of the "girlie-girl", but at this stage in time, I feel as though my supposed impervious shell towards trendiness may have a slight hair-line fracture.

Lately, I have succumbed to standing in my hallway, both closet doors wide open, staring aimlessly into a crevasse of black and red clothing. I close the doors, take a step back, then re-open them and pray, as if by some form of fashion magic, I will have a bountiful array of new clothes or outfits. Sadly, such magic does not exist in the realm that I abide in, and I wind up screaming in my mind (and or out loud) "I have nothing to wear!"

I remember the "good ole days" where I would throw on a pair of jeans or shorts, sandals or shitkickers and a hoodie or concert t-shirt and be done with it. But it seems that with age, I am slowly giving in to the fashion industry, to the magazines and trends that are "hip" at the moment. Mind you, I don't go out and buy what is wicked trendy or hip (partly because I can't afford such extravagance and partly because a LOT of what is supposedly "cool" is butt-ugly and I wouldn't be caught dead in it), but there's a piece of me that wishes I could pull it off. No, I am not conforming, I think I am just expanding my horizons slowly, and it's beginning with clothing.

Why is this affecting my thinking so much right now? I think it's because I feel like I don't fit in when I go out. I've been told "you look uncomfortable," or, "you look scared," while out on the town. I will admit, seeing the gaggles of sequin-studded, bare-belly showing, "apple-bottom jeans" wearing, over-giggly girlie-girls, DOES bother me, but I think it's just because I never got into such things. I was never involved in such a group, because 90% of my friends are guys, and as long as I looked cute and knew sports, I was golden. Hell, even at sporting events, chics doll-up in bootie-shorts, cute tanks, skirts and the ever popular toe-raping flipflops. It's a freaking game!!! The issues begin to wear me down when I actually take a look around and compare myself to them...Prom queen vs. Freaky girl next door.

I think I'm really just scared to give in to the "normal" stuff that revolves around today. It's a slippery-slope, and I really don't want to tumble down it and get stuck in a rut or be a traitor to myself. It might just be me going through yet another patch of "who am I" syndrome. I'm just trying to find a happy medium between making someone proud to be seen with me without giving up my sense of self/style, but also not conforming to the standards that society lays down exemplifying what is "trendy" and what is "soooo not".