Time to Start
It sucks when there's so much I want to say, but no words seem to come to mind. Each time I open this page and prepare to write, everything floods out of my mind and I'm left with nothing. So I figure, might as well write about what's not there in an attempt to get to what is...
I've decided that there are some MASSIVE changes happening to me at this stage of my life. I turn 25, the big Quarter of a Century, in a little over 2 weeks, and I am no where NEAR where I expected to be at this point of my life. I can't say that it's all bad. I realize now that I would have made some of the BIGGEST mistakes had I kept on the path that I was going. I realize that the only way to find out who I truly was, was to stop being who I really wasn't. That had to have been the biggest shock to my system, when I stopped living for everyone else and their dreams and started living for myself. In the process, I was shunned by all my "friends," but luckily, the true friends remained and my strength grew. I know it may seem like I'm beating a dead horse on that issue, but there's so much more to it than mere words can explain.
I'd have to say I am genuinely happy right now. I'm not ecstatic with myself (by any means), but in the same respect, I never have been. I could always be thinner, prettier, smarter, "funner", but I think that's more of a personal issue. I feel like I have grown into the person I was meant to become...But I haven't achieved the feeling of accomplishment or acceptance yet. In due time, I think that feeling will come, but until then, I guess I'm stuck with the weird "I'm not me" issues.
Aside from the normal bullshit, I can't complain about too much. Everything that I could bitch about could be easily resolved if I just stuck to a plan or goal. Maybe I like having issues because I am not used to not having them? Not to say that's a reason or an excuse, but it could be. I'm just so used to having some major, dramatic issue going on, I don't know what I would do without one. I think that's the foundation my newest quest will begin on. I think instead of relying on the negative or bad to get me through my day or push more towards tomorrow, I will try to make the negative positive, and the bad good, and then see what I'm left with. I say I don't understand the people who are happy all the time and only see the sunny side of life, but I guess that's just because I've never lived that way...Well, maybe it's time for me to start.
(And I had NO idea this is where I'd end up, but oh well...)
I've decided that there are some MASSIVE changes happening to me at this stage of my life. I turn 25, the big Quarter of a Century, in a little over 2 weeks, and I am no where NEAR where I expected to be at this point of my life. I can't say that it's all bad. I realize now that I would have made some of the BIGGEST mistakes had I kept on the path that I was going. I realize that the only way to find out who I truly was, was to stop being who I really wasn't. That had to have been the biggest shock to my system, when I stopped living for everyone else and their dreams and started living for myself. In the process, I was shunned by all my "friends," but luckily, the true friends remained and my strength grew. I know it may seem like I'm beating a dead horse on that issue, but there's so much more to it than mere words can explain.
I'd have to say I am genuinely happy right now. I'm not ecstatic with myself (by any means), but in the same respect, I never have been. I could always be thinner, prettier, smarter, "funner", but I think that's more of a personal issue. I feel like I have grown into the person I was meant to become...But I haven't achieved the feeling of accomplishment or acceptance yet. In due time, I think that feeling will come, but until then, I guess I'm stuck with the weird "I'm not me" issues.
Aside from the normal bullshit, I can't complain about too much. Everything that I could bitch about could be easily resolved if I just stuck to a plan or goal. Maybe I like having issues because I am not used to not having them? Not to say that's a reason or an excuse, but it could be. I'm just so used to having some major, dramatic issue going on, I don't know what I would do without one. I think that's the foundation my newest quest will begin on. I think instead of relying on the negative or bad to get me through my day or push more towards tomorrow, I will try to make the negative positive, and the bad good, and then see what I'm left with. I say I don't understand the people who are happy all the time and only see the sunny side of life, but I guess that's just because I've never lived that way...Well, maybe it's time for me to start.
(And I had NO idea this is where I'd end up, but oh well...)
posted by Ill-Fated Butterfly at 8:27 PM
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