Family Hurts
I'm trying not to let this bother me. I'm trying not to let it hurt...But it doesn't seem to be working...
I went to my nephew's birthday party yesterday, and upon walking in, I instantly felt awkward. I tried to slough it off as nothing more than me being silly, but it was quite apparent within a matter of minutes that I was more of an unwanted black sheep than I originally believed.
Why let it bother me though? I asked my mom when we left why it hurt so much, and she said that as we get older, family becomes more important to us. I wish it didn't hurt as much. I tried my hardest to be social with my brothers and their wives, but it just wasn't enough. I felt like they didn't care, like I wasn't welcome there. I tried to talk about life, asking how work was or telling them that so and so said hi, but once I finished my sentence, their backs were turned and I was left talking to a wall. Hell, when I left, I didn't even get a hug from anyone, just a wave of the hand. It really did tear me up inside. I hate crying, but I did. I hate knowing that I let them make me cry and get to me, but I do, and nothing can change that.
As much as I want to put on the mask and say how much I hate my family, I can't. I used to be able to, but anymore, it just doesn't fit. They may not care or love me, but they'll always be my brothers. Right? I guess I had just hoped that one day we'd have a normal relationship, like the ones I see with my friends. How they call their brothers or sisters, being older or younger, just to talk or to say "I love you" or something. Why can't I have that? Is it because I'm not 100% blood-related? What is it about me that they don't like and why do they act like I'm invisible?
And for the "It Can't Rain All the Time" Thought...At least I have Chris. He is the best brother and friend a girl could have.
I went to my nephew's birthday party yesterday, and upon walking in, I instantly felt awkward. I tried to slough it off as nothing more than me being silly, but it was quite apparent within a matter of minutes that I was more of an unwanted black sheep than I originally believed.
Why let it bother me though? I asked my mom when we left why it hurt so much, and she said that as we get older, family becomes more important to us. I wish it didn't hurt as much. I tried my hardest to be social with my brothers and their wives, but it just wasn't enough. I felt like they didn't care, like I wasn't welcome there. I tried to talk about life, asking how work was or telling them that so and so said hi, but once I finished my sentence, their backs were turned and I was left talking to a wall. Hell, when I left, I didn't even get a hug from anyone, just a wave of the hand. It really did tear me up inside. I hate crying, but I did. I hate knowing that I let them make me cry and get to me, but I do, and nothing can change that.
As much as I want to put on the mask and say how much I hate my family, I can't. I used to be able to, but anymore, it just doesn't fit. They may not care or love me, but they'll always be my brothers. Right? I guess I had just hoped that one day we'd have a normal relationship, like the ones I see with my friends. How they call their brothers or sisters, being older or younger, just to talk or to say "I love you" or something. Why can't I have that? Is it because I'm not 100% blood-related? What is it about me that they don't like and why do they act like I'm invisible?
And for the "It Can't Rain All the Time" Thought...At least I have Chris. He is the best brother and friend a girl could have.
posted by Ill-Fated Butterfly at 9:45 AM
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