Neverending Questions

What if I said I was sorry, and you listened with your heart instead of listening with the thoughts of the past? What if I would have let you hold me just a little longer? What if I would have fought harder, what if you would have fought harder...Would we be where we are today?

I can't say that I don't think of "what if's" on a day to day basis. I can't say that there isn't a day that goes by that you're not on my mind...That not a day goes by that we're not on my mind. I try so hard to fight it, to let it go like I feel you did...But I can't. There's too many possibilities, too many "what if's" preventing me from actually believing that everything was nothing more than a silly lie and facade. It all felt like a dream to me, and when I think of it, I wish I wouldn't have had to wake up. But I did. But you did. And thinking of it in that light, I realize it wasn't a dream, it was a reality. The best thing about a reality, is that you can keep parts of it, where as dreams slowly fade away in time.

Why did I walk out that door? Why didn't you stop me? Why didn't I come home? Why didn't you want me to come home? There's so many questions I fear will never be answered. But maybe more so fear will be answered. So many things I wonder about, and wonder if you wonder about them as well. Do you remember what next week was to hold? Do you even care? Maybe I'm being me too much, and hoping that if all my questions are answered, I will receive the answers I hope for. Maybe I would get answers that I didn't want to hear, and then where would that leave me?

In any case, no one can take away the thoughts and memories I hold so dear to my heart. It's my way of making it in this crazy world. And the one thing I can always rely on, to bring a smile to my face, and warmth to my soul.

Internal Monologue

The day I had been waiting for all my life is nearing, and sadly, it will be just another date on the calendar.

I remember when my thoughts, dreams and wishes had come true. I remember when the future didn't seem as bleak and as unknown as I had once imagined it. I remember when everyday was a baby step forward toward a fairy tale forever and ever...That was then, this is now. Reality has body checked me into a world of new possibilities, new possible endings. But why, I must ask, can't I accept the now and reject the past, so that I could fully move forward into a "new life"?

All I ever wanted was to be happy, and I am trying to convince myself that in this pre-determined life I lead, that is where I am headed. Everything that has happened or will happen is meant to bring me one step closer to achieving that "ultimate happiness" I have always wanted. I just have to be strong and believe in myself enough to know that everything that happens doesn't occur for no reason. There is a reason for everything! (Redundant, yes, but it's meant to show reassurance in such thoughts.)

I can't change the past. I can't change who I am. I can't change the way I feel about the things and people I do. There's a person out there that will always hold a piece of my heart, whether he wants to or not. There's a person out there who will always be considered my best friend, even though she stopped talking to me for no reason. There are people out there who will always be my confidants, though they shunned me and turned their backs on me because they are above the morale of humans and have never made a mistake.

But it's like the book "The 5 People you Meet in Heaven", everyone you come in contact with influences you somehow and vice versa. No matter how small of a meeting, whether you bump into them for a second on the street, or you date them for three years, the impact is always great. I don't resent anyone that has entered or left my life, because it all happened for a reason. Something meant to be understood when the big picture is completed.

This isn't where I expected to be at this stage of my life, but I'm here, and the only way to go is forward.

Nostalgia

I have had an amazingly strong sense of nostalgia lately. It's to the point of re-reading old journals and flipping through photo albums. It's going places that I once went, to attain the feeling I once did when I was there. It's synesthesia (smelling something that brings back a thought). I just don't get it. Maybe because it is fall and this is totally my season? Maybe, not, but I don't know! All I do know is that it doesn't hurt as much as it did before.

Different songs are constantly looping through my mind, making it wander into who knows what. It's just the strangest feeling. It's not like the usual remembrance of stuff, it's totally different. Maybe I am transitioning from living in the past into fondly remembering the past. Maybe that is where the big difference is. Though some thoughts and memories do sadden me because I wish they could happen again, it doesn't feel as devastating knowing that they can't or won't be duplicated. It feels like I have stepped through some invisible field that had once had uber control over me and wouldn't let me accept that the past is the past. But I feel like now I do. It really is a cool feeling, and at least now, I feel a little more content, and less complacent. Another song has me going, maybe it's the words, maybe it's sound, but whatever it is, the meaning is deep within my soul...

There's a feeling I get, when I look to the west, and my spirit is crying for leaving. In my thoughts I have seen, rings of smoke through the trees, and the voices of those who standing looking. Ooh, it makes me wonder. Ooh, it really makes me wonder. And it's whispered that soon, if we all call the tune, then the piper will lead us to reason. And a new day will dawn, for those who stand long, and the forests will echo with laughter....And as we wind on down the road, our shadows taller than our soul, there walks a lady we all know. Who shines white light and wants to show, how everything still turns to gold, and if you listen very hard the tune will come to you at last. When all are one and one is all, to be a rock and not to roll, and she's buying a stairway to heaven.

Trying to let go

"There are places I remember all my life, though some have change. Some forever, not for better. Some have gone, and some remain. All these places have their moments, of lovers and friends, I still can recall. Some are dead and some are living, in my life I loved them all. And with all these friends and lovers there is, no one compares with you. And these mem'ries lose their meaning, when I think of love, as something new. And I know I'll never lose affection, for people and things that went before. I know I'll often stop and think about them. In my life, I loved you more. And I know I'll never lose affection, for people and things that went before. I know I'll often stop and think about them. In my life, I loved you more. In my life, I loved you more".

And there it is. I never listen to the Beatles, but this song seems to be very pertinent to life. I remember singing it in high school, and not fully feeling or understanding the power of it. I do now. Every place does have its moment. Every thought, every memory, every tiny remembrance has the power to break down walls within a person. And though this may be a good thing, at times, it's not. It's great to remember times past, but it's hard to let them go and accept that some of those times cannot be re-lived or brought back, no matter how much one tries.

Also, I need to be better prepared for answers I don't want to hear when I ask a question that has been plaguing me. I seem to set myself up a lot, and when I do, I get slammed down into the ground. I try to live in my "idealized" world and usually wind up getting lost in it, and when reality slaps me in the face, it bruises me inside. The sting doesn't go away, and the marks remain. But how much longer will this be? How much longer will I endure this perilous trek through remembrances of times past? I guess I'm going to have to work at letting go of the past, and opening up to the future. Though I feel I missed mine, I know there is more than one shooting star out there, and I just have to be patient in waiting for the next one, and hope that when I catch it, all my dreams will come true.

Changing--statement of babblement

It's really exciting when you decide that life is going to be different from here on out.

Starting today, I have made the decision to begin changing that which I don't like about myself. Instead of sulking or "trying my best", I am actually going to do it. Yes, it will be a slow and arduous process. Yes, it won't be an over night change, but at least I know I am going to do something about it! No longer will I let the trivial events of the day bother me, because I have greater feats to accomplish on my mind!

I feel as though I have had a surge of empowerment. Maybe it will remain this strong, maybe it won't, but no matter what I will NOT give up! My mom always told me when you want something bad enough, you will do what it takes to achieve or concur. Well, that's what I'm going to do. I will not give in when things seem impossible, because I know that nothing in life is impossible. Yes, things may be probable or highly unlikely, but never impossible. I will annex that word from my vocabulary, because it no longer exists in my realm!

There are many things that I am gunning for right now, so I have to be careful not to overwork myself into a nasty stress level. I think I will be otay. I just feel better knowing that I am going to do something about the things I'm not 100% with. I just have to remember that Rome wasn't built in a day, and therefore I cannot rebuild myself in that time frame neither. In the end, what is meant to be will be, and just that thought will keep me going strong.

Memories Trigger Emotions

Ok, so I have been pretty upset lately. Part of it stems from the joys of being female (a good majority of it actually), part of it stems from the stress of day to day life, and the other significant portion comes from something that I have just recently figured out what it was.

Everyday things and tasks are triggering memories of WONDERFUL times past, and when these thoughts are triggered, I inadvertently get upset. I try not to, because since they were excellent times, why should one be sad over them? I guess it all comes down to the fact that those times are PAST and that it seems like they can't be duplicated or re-done with the way things are today. For example, my best friend and I were talking about the parties we used to have every weekend, the ones with 10-15 people, and nowadays, we don't even know 10-15 to invite. We barely have 5 over (and that's even a stretch)!

It's just sad to think about it, that we once believed we had all these "die-hard" friends, and now, we don't speak to any of them. Yes, one could argue that we should call them or try to keep in contact, but it takes two to tango. I can admit that I've tried to keep in contact with people, but when they want to hold themselves above me and don't speak to me because they feel they are better than me, what more can I do? I lost many through a stupid mistake, but at least I can admit that I am human and I did screw up, but most importantly, that I am totally and utterly sorry for it! I tried to rekindle what I could, but when they spit in my face, I guess I can do no more. I can't let that be held over me for forever either, and I believe that many of them would.

It's just a rough patch right now. Guess it's the time of year and all the stuff that usually happens. It's seeing pictures that spark a thought. It's hearing announcements on the radio or seeing different websites for places I used to go, that gets my mind running. It's knowing that this year isn't going to be like years past, which in a way is a good thing because it's totally unknown and new, but a "bad" thing, because it's not the way it "should" be. Again, what can ya do though? I just try to keep remembering that the good memories are meant to be remembered as good, and I shouldn't feel sad because they aren't here, but happy and lucky, because I did get to experience them.