Another bitch-fest :-P

Let's see, where shall I begin...? I think I am totally losing it! What am I supposed to do when the sight of my own reflection repulses me? When the feeling of being in my own skin makes me want to scream and attempt to break free of my flesh? When any ounce of sanity that I had left has escaped me during the night? Then what am I supposed to do?!

It all comes back to the feeling of being alone. The feeling that there is no one to talk to, no one to confide in. So I write. I write every night. I write every chance I get, but the feeling of closure has worn off. After a while, when I look at the paper, all I see is wasted ink in the shape of letters that are bound together making words and smooshed together making sentences and paragraphs... BLAH! So I pose this again...What the hell am I supposed to do?

There's nothing TERRIBLE happening in my life right now. I mean, there's a couple family issues, but that's about it. But then WHY do I feel like I am losing it like I am?! I can't stand being at my apartment. I can't stand being quiet, yet I get angry when I try to speak. I don't know what's happening. I feel like a walking contradiction! Talking to my two friends last night helped me a lot, but then the morning comes and I am back into a slump. I need drugs or something, because this is not cool.

And I know that in time, it shall pass. I know that if I just take a deep breath and step back from everything, I will be fine. But what happens when taking that step back throws me right off the cliff? Then where will I be? Probably the same place I am now, but in a new location, right? So what's the point? No matter what, I feel like I will be screwed in the end. If that is the case (to put a positive twist on a negative blog) I will have to find a way to enjoy the screwing, because then it won't feel like "whatever" happened was done in vain.

Night Thoughts

I looked into the eyes of the night tonight, and asked it the question that was ever pertinent on my mind. The eyes glistened back at me, sparkling with answers to ease my torment and frustration, but my mortal ears and mortal senses were just that, mortal, and therefore I was unable to translate what they were trying to tell me. So now I lay here, staring up into the blackened abyss that is candy-coated with ideas, thoughts, truths that I long to have , but more so, to understand.

And as my mind begins to travel down the path of obscurity and delirium, I am left to ponder what is to become of such a tormented soul. Am I meant to remain in this realm of utter hopelessness, painting on a Revlon face, putting on a Teflon coat, in hopes to make it past the security check-point of everyone I come in contact with!? I cannot hide behind this crumbling mask for much longer, and sooner than later, the truth behind the facade will be shown. What seems to be is nothing more than a falsified reality. What you may think is happiness and contentment is nothing more than pain masked behind a chipper voice and a forced laugh.

The moon slowly disappears, and the night's eyes are enveloped by the coming day's soft glow. Fizzling out into nothing more than a mere memory, I am left staring at a blank canvas, an empty sky that looks like a mirror of my soul. Open, airy, yet choked by the nothingness the early morning twilight tends to offer. My eyes shut in an attempt to close myself off from the pain of yet another emotionally draining day, and I am left to ponder the things the stars had to say, the answers and the reasons that no mortal can fathom.

My Pic

I cannot be anything I wish to be, I can only be me...

Just had to bitch

So what are you supposed to do when you realize you are alone in a shadow?

Yesterday was my Grandpa Joe's birthday so I went to visit his and grandma's grave. It was there that I just totally lost it! I sat down (like I usually do) and started talking to them (like I usually do) and I just let it all out. I talk to them every night (along with "Daddy" Bill) but being at their place of eternal rest just made me feel like they were closer to me then when I am just laying in bed, talking to them in my head. I miss them [all] so much, it hurts.

I guess it all boils down to this wretched feeling that I have no one to talk to. I KNOW I have my mom, dad and a few select friends, but it seems that at this point in time, I can't burden them with my trivial babbling and rants! Mom's worried about grandpa and grandma. Dad's worried about mom. I can't talk to the friends I have about some stuff because they don't understand, they have never been there. So what am I to do? I haven't seen my best female friend in 8 months, I don't even know if she considers me a friend anymore. It seems that all I have now is my journal and my blog.

I guess I am just in the "oh woe is me" phase again. I shouldn't be, but it just feels like I'm crashing again for no reason. I'm such a hypocrite in the sense that I tell people not to bottle things up, but then I go ahead and do it, and this is where it gets me. I think I have just held stuff in a little too long and it has finally taken its toll on me. Guess I will just have to keep writing and try to get it out that way, because aside from that, I don't know what other choices I have. :-P

Candy Coated Lies

I've been fed candy-coated lies. The taste of sweet and sour mixing to a poisonous flavor. I fall into a deep coma of thoughts, only to awaken in an never ending nightmare. What I thought I knew turns out to be nothing but lies. What I thought was real ends up being nothing more than a falsified reality, where the ending is like a soap opera...Never ending...

And where do I go from here? Do I let myself believe nothing more than my dreams? Allowing myself to feel, taste, smell, breathe the things that are nothing more than figments of an overactive imagination? Or do I fight against the ignorant bliss that enraptures my soul, bringing happiness to the mind, and warmth to my heart? I just don't know. Where is the book of life that tells a person what to do any situation? Where is my cop-out button, my free pass to skip this dreaded test of will, strength and sanity? Haven't I earned it? Haven't I endured enough of life's games, haven't I solved enough of life's riddles to be able to pass go and collect $200?...

I guess not. I guess I am trapped in a never ending enigma. When I jump through a window, to avoid the locked door, I'm faced with another dilemma. Every day is like a silly test, a strange new world of thought that has no rhyme or reason. And I am left in the shadows of a world that has passed me by. I'm more alone than ever, to wander throughout this dismal land of confusion and sorrow. My only hope is to look across the glassy lake of uncertainty, try to see the future and destiny that is so far away, and keep alive the hope that one day, everything will make sense again.

To wake up

Dreams have been haunting me again. My mind is constantly working, spinning so many webs of thought that I end up getting tangled in them. So what am I supposed to do? I can't say that I hate the dreams, because when I wake up, I'm smiling. But when I wake up, they give me something new to think about which perpetuates the ongoing problem of getting stuck in a mass-world of thought! It feels like there's no escaping it! I am doomed to be stuck in a couldron of ideas, memories and thoughts, but I am at the boiling point, and sooner than later, it's all going to overflow.

Again, I can't say that I am necessarily "upset" about dreaming as much as I do. I mean, at least when I'm dreaming things don't seem as insane and unsettled as they really are. It's hard waking up tired every morning because my mind is running in non-stop mode. It's on over drive and I can't make it slow down. But I guess that's just me, I'm always running and always have to be doing something, or I don't feel right.

I think the hardest thing for me is that my dreams are giving me a false sense of reality. It's like when you tell the same lie over and over and over, sooner or later, you start believing it. Anymore, I feel slightly disturbed because I get angered when I have to seperate myself from my dreams during the day. I wish I could live by the "ignorance is bliss" line. I wish I could just go on, living and breathing my nightly thoughts, but I can't. Somehow I get reality checked and it feels like I hit a wall. It almost feels like life is crashing down on me, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

The song says "a dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep", so when are these so called wishes going to come true? I know some are impossible. There are some people I can't get back, no matter how bad I beg and pray and plead with God to get back, even for just a little more time. But there are other things that I'm gunning for, and it seems like when I get one step forward, I get shoved two steps back, and I'm farther away from attaining what I want. So I pose this to you again, what am I supposed to do? I'm not the most patient of people, but I feel I have been for a very long time. When will it be my turn to laugh again? When will it be my turn to smile again, sincerely smile, and remove the painted mask I feel like I'm hiding behind? When will it be my turn to stop dreaming my dreams, and wake up to start living them?

Happiness

What is happiness? Is it a feeling? A thought? A memory? A wish? I think happiness may be something different to each person, but overall, it's the same for everyone.

To find happiness, I think you need to look within your soul and find out who is deep within your heart. You need to look past outside forces, beyond what everyone else thinks or feels, and decide what it is for you. You can't worry what other's will think. You can't fear the unknown. And you certainly can't deny yourself the chance or the opportunity to attain what you feel is most important.

But there are other things that you need to realize about happiness. Though times may be tough, and you may envy other people's lives, you must know that there are reasons for you to be happy with your current life. Think of the family and friends you have, some people aren't lucky enough to have either. Think of the job that you hold, though it may not be a dream job, again, you are lucky enough to have one. Think of your hobbies, your talents, and know you are special and gifted in the things that you do. Not everyone has the abilities you do, so be happy with yourself, because more people look up to you than you know of.

While talking to a friend the other night, one of the main inspirations for this blog, a comment was made that memories bring back pain. One of the hardest but most important things you need to remember about memories is that if it meant that much to you, it's remembered for a reason. If you remember a certain day that was absolutely incredible, but something "bad" happened later in life, that shouldn't affect how you felt about that one day. Cherish the happy and wonderful memories and don't dwell on the bad that had happened. It's a whole new day and "good" memories should most definitely over power the bad ones.

I don't know the exact thought(s) I was trying to convey, but I guess I'm just trying to make a point about happiness...we all know deep down what it is that makes us truly happy and content, and we just need to look hard enough and deep enough to see what it is. Don't fear your destiny, because it is in your hands, and no matter where it takes you, happiness is what you will get. As long as you follow your heart, happiness is what you will find.

Lace up the Boots

If someone told you that you may be waken out of your nightmare, is there a way to prepare yourself to live in your dream? That is the question I am stuck pondering at this moment.

Just when I think I have some basis of "reality", something comes up and it is gone in a flash. Just when I think I have made some huge progress and have come to many conclusions, I learn that there was nothing conclusive about them at all. Everything that I believed may have been erroneously assumed and now I am left in a world of questions and wonderment. But where do I go from here? How do I step back and re-read the chapters I missed in what I thought was a closed book?

I just don't know where to go from here. I wish I could go back to the time where I believed in everything and knew nothing. I wish I could ask the questions that need answers, but I don't think I am prepared for what they may be. Again, it's all a gamble. I could either live with the confusion, hope, anxiety, wishes, and see what happens, or I can attempt to fast forward and find out what I yearn most to know. But will those answers be ready for me? Is it not the right time to seek out what I feel is detrimental t know in order to keep my sanity?

Life is too short to not be happy. It's too short to not try to get out there and do what you love and find out what you are truly looking for. But it's scary walking out into the darkness, with nothing but your hopes and dreams guiding you. So many things lurk around every turn, hide behind every bush and tree, and just wait for you to let your guard down so that they may strike. At this moment, I think I am lacing up my boots and putting on a hoodie, preparing to get out there and see what's going on. I am really scared though. Do I want to know the outcome of my quest? Would it be better to wait and see what happens before I go getting all adventurous? Only time will tell, as with everything that I am seeking in my life, only time will tell.