Important Lessons

So I have been thinkin about what to write for the past 24 hours and it just came to me when I was trying to fall asleep...everything changes so often and so fast, yet in the same, it all stays the same. Even if I haven't talked to someone in days, months, years, when I start talking to them again, things don't seem as drastically different as they really are.
In having conversation with someone tonight, I realized a lot of things. There are too many to list because I do need to get some sleep for work tomorrow, so I will list the ones that stick out the most to me. One of them is the point that though we may be our own worst enemies and worst critics, we still need to be our own best friends and critics. We cannot sustain a healthy existence if all we do is bring ourselves down. We need to embrace the good that we have, the things that we are thankful for and be strong in our convictions when we feel a little bit of uncertainty.
Another thing is the feeling of being lost. We all get detoured down the road of life, we get lost on the on-ramp or we miss our exit, but there's always a back road to get you back to where you need to be. We just need to have enough faith in ourselves to know that we can get there, on our own if need be, but there will always be at least one person at our back. We may not know that they are there, but there is always someone who is silently, if not outwardly, rooting us on.
Hmm what else....umm...lots of things happen in our past, some good, some bad, but we have to remember, they are in the past. If you do regret something or don't like how something turned out, make up for it. Don't dwell on the sorrow or the sadness. Step up to the plate and admit that you screwed up, but don't constantly go back to it. Let it go. If it's something that important to you, you will do everything in your power to get it back, or fix the problem that is lingering today. But again, the past is done and over with and nothing can change that. The only thing that you have the power to change is destiny that you are leading yourself to.
I could go on and on, but I will end on this note and maybe pick up another day...If you don't like something about yourself, change it. If you want to right a wrong, do it. Don't be scared because you don't know what the outcome will be. Never let anyone put you down and don't let others control how you feel. I know that is a problem I have, I sometimes worry that what I do may anger or annoy the people closest to me. They seem to know what is best for me, but it's not the truth. If they truly love me and are my friends, I know that no matter what I choose to do, they will always be there for me and stand by me with whatever decision I make. Sometimes you have to take the plunge, close your eyes and step off the cliff. It may be absolutely frightening, but know that you will be able to fly, as long as you believe enough in yourself, you can make your dreams come true.

How much are the memories worth?

So I guess I got my final bit of closure today...Well, that's what I'm trying to tell myself. I was messing around on eBay and decided too see what a certain someone had been selling lately. Why? I really don't know. I never even thought of looking his eBay transactions up, until today. I just had a really strange feeling, and there was something pulling me to look into it. Oh yeah, there was something there all right, but I wasn't prepared for what that something was.
I saw my engagement ring online. Worth a whoppin $495. MY ring! MY beautiful, gorgeous, spectacular ring! My memories and happy thoughts, sold to the highest bidder. It shocked me. It hit me like a kick in the gut. When I saw the comment about a "beautiful ring" that was purchased, I got so dizzy. My heart started pounding, and I felt like I was going to faint. The item seemed to take an eternity to load, and when the picture popped up on the screen, I totally lost it.
I thought I was doing so good with accepting how everything was going. I still had my nights where I would cry myself to sleep. I still had my days that felt empty and all around blah. I even had my dreams where everything was the way it once was, and for a brief second, when I woke up, I felt a surge of happiness. Smells still bring back memories. Sounds still pull up thoughts. When I'm out and about, when I don't have time to think or remember, I do just fine. When I do have that down time, though, that's when it all seems to go to hell.
Oh well, what can I do? In a way, this should seal the deal. Even though there are still people and friends that when I talk to them, say they're always hoping and praying for us. It makes it a little bit harder to move on completely. I know that I truly loved him, but I also know that he never truly loved me. If he did, I wouldn't be blogging this right now. And though I may be slightly bitter and hurt, I will always love him. I couldn't expect him to keep the ring forever, but I guess deep down I was hoping to get it back. Maybe even get him back...someday.

Conquest of Love??

So I have come to a conclusion about that crazy thing labeled a "Conquest of Love"...And I realize it's not going so good for me. I've come to the realization that anymore, for me, my quest and my feelings are nothing more than a thrill of the hunt. I want someone so bad, but when I get them, I don't want them anymore. It's that feeling of power and knowing that I AM wanted by someone. That they do find me extremely hot, attractive, sexy, fun, crazy etc. etc.
In the beginning, I am a predator looking for prey. When I have one in my sights, I go for it! My flirtatious side goes into overdrive and (not to sound cocky or conceited because I'm NOT) it seems to intoxicate the other person. Then they start flirting and it's a back and forth battle. That's when things get complicated.
I feel like the love conquest is nothing more than a game. When I'm done playing (which seems to be when I get what I want or achieve the feeling of success that I was ultimately going for) I just want to let it all go. I don't want to have a discussion. I don't want to defend my feelings or have to go into an in depth explanation as to why my feelings "changed". It's like a bad habit! I'm addicted to something and I cannot stop! "INTERVENTION" I want to scream!
I told my cousin when she came over, I feel like I go for guys and I want them to hurt the way I did. I don't necessarily want to hurt them, but I'm sadistic in the way that I want to seem the squirm. I want to know that there are other people out there that can feel the way I did, and then it seems to give me power, which later turns into regret and then inadvertently hurt, but I can't stop myself. It's a horrible obsession.
I'm not afraid to love, but I am afraid to be loved in return. It seems to contradict what I said before, because I like knowing that I am wanted, but it's a different feeling. I know that at least with my love, it would be true, I've been lied to and told that I was truly loved, when in the end, that "true" love led to heartbreak. I don't know anymore. Maybe I need help? Maybe my issues with life lie deeper and are a lot darker than I thought them to be? All I can say right now is that I am hurting really bad, though it can't rain all the time, it feels like the clouds are going to be lingering over me for a while.

Hanging on to a Dream

Is it possible to actually let go of a dream? I've been trying to figure that out. And if it is possible, was the dream ever really a dream, or was it just something that you had once hoped for? It seems like it would be easier to let go of a hope than to let go of a dream, because a hope is just a feeling where as a dream is so much more. A dream is something that cannot be taken away from you. A dream is something that may get crushed, but it will never die, because it is stronger than anything. No one can tell you that your dreams are stupid or will never come true, because though they may "revolve" around a person, they cannot be controlled by outside parties.
I can say that lately I've been feeling very nostalgic. I cannot help but dig through photographs, re-read old journals, and just dwell in the great memories of the past. But what is this doing to me? It makes me smile for a little while, but then it seems to rip my heart out when I realize that those feelings of contentment and bliss are just part of a remembrance which is lingering in the past. I'm not saying that I'm depressed or not happy with my life now, but it's a different kind of happiness. Those memories that haunt my dreams make me wake up in the middle of the night and for a split second, I feel like I am still living them.
It's still a shock when I reach over in bed and don't feel someone next to me. It's weird to not have someone to call just to say "I love you and miss you to". It's strange not to have stable plans on weekends to go out with a specific person or have them come over after a date and just hold on to. I guess it all comes down to the fact that I tend to try to hold on to the past in an attempt to never lose the feelings that I felt then. Is that wrong? Is that bad? I think it would be if one held on so tightly that they never gave themselves a chance experience new things. If they felt as though they would never feel the way they once did. I know that one day I will have that special someone. I know that one day I will feel the way I did in the memories I can't forget. And I know that one day, all my dreams WILL come true!

Craziness!

WOW. I finally have a "real" job! I'm going to be out of retail in less than two weeks. So most of my goals have been accomplished. I have a new car. I have my own apartment. I'm out of debt (for the most part). I have a wonderful group of friends. But there is still a piece missing. I don't mean to say that having someone would make me a better person, because I feel that I have come a long way on my own. I believe that had I not gone through what I did, I would not be the woman I am today. But I still feel empty.
I dunno, it's a crazy life I guess. There are parts of me that want to have a boyfriend. But I would totally miss my freedom, so do I really want one? My mom says that I need to enjoy life without having a man in it and being attached. I kind of agree, but it's a hard pill to swallow. I haven't been alone for more than three months at a time since I was 17 years old. I have always had someone there, even if it wasn't a complete commitment. So now what do I do?
Maybe once this job starts and I meet more people and begin hanging out with new people, my feelings will change. I mean, back in the day, we had people at the apartment all the time! Parties consisted of no less than 10 people every wee, and I do miss that. At least now I know who my true friends are and that they will always be there for me, but it sucks because we all can't get our schedules to work out and so we don't see as much of each other as we would like. Yep, this is one of those blah blogs.
But why should I be poopy? I'm about to embark on a whole new journey into life! I am a little scared, because this is a HUGE change, but I am excited all the same. Guess we shall see what happens from here!