Poem: Product of Xanax

Into dreams I wander. Floating over cool, cascading waterfalls of thought, I disappear into the mist. Water breathes its fresh scent on my cheeks, and I step down onto moss covered memories. Wading ever so carefully into the peaceful pool, I watch already been lived movies on eyelid screens. Shooting stars are swallowed by moon light and a symphony of crickets plays a soothing lullaby. Whirlpools spin flower petals into a fresh-scented kaleidoscope of color, a time warp pulling me to enter its realm. Fingertips gently touch the beckoning wonder, causing new shapes to form. I gaze back into the falls, staring deep into the place that I've been, but the hypnotic rose, scented cyclone draws me back. Deeper and deeper I wade, until I am submerged in the magic and mystery this place has to offer me. And only then am I free to be one with the fantasy, one with the reality, one with the thing I call my life.

Such a life

Ahh such a bitter-sweet life I lead. Gently stepping on the fallen, jagged edges of a broken heart that is slowly mending its wounds. Why must it all taste so sour? Sweetness, a flavor tasted but a few times, then the after taste of putrid bile over comes my senses. Staring into the mirror, I see no reflection, but that of piercing eyes with emptiness in the center. Life seems to normal, so right, then in the blink of an eye, reality comes crashing down like a meteor shower, and I am left in the ruins of wasted time. A smile, nothing more than a mask, a painted on make-up to make me look all right, to make me look happy. It seems that happiness is nothing more than a cruel joke. I tasted its fruits, but no longer have the ability to savor them. Why does this pain overwhelm me so? Why does this feeling of loss, this feeling of nothingness overtake me so often? I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't even know what my purpose is. I am a puppet whose strings are being tugged and pulled. I dance just to make the master happy. What more can I do? What more can I say? I have tried to follow the moonlight into the river of contentment, but end up getting lost on my journey. What light should I follow? How much longer shall I make this trek until I will need to give it up, and head down a different road of life? The year is ending, and with it, my will is slowly dying away. When its gone, nothing more than a lost soul and an empty shell will be left to roam this world.

Time

I feel as though I am living in limbo. I see everything from a centered perspective, but I am neither here nor there. For some estranged reason, I want to add color to the things that seem so black and white, so concrete. But why? I hear what others have to say, but at times, it's like I cannot understand or comprehend what they mean. I hear the words, but they don't register in my head. It's like the words are a foreign language, and I am trying figure out a way of decoding them.
Anymore, I feel as though I have slipped into the black hole. Alice and the white rabbit are at my side, and this weird place of wonder has taken a hold of my sanity (what little I feel I have left). Do I taste the cakes marked "eat me", in hopes that some light, some epiphany will come to me? Or do I continue on my way, blind in a world of light, hoping that I may stumble upon an answer to the main questions I pose. What? Why?
They say in time, all will be revealed. In time, wounds are healed. All we have is time...But is that the truth. Simple months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds, milliseconds don't have the ability or power to show me the way. They don't have what I am so desperately searching for. Time is nothing when it is spent alone. To be special, to be wondrous, time must be shared by people, by lovers, by friends. Time is meant to take risks, and give chances, and that is what I know I must push to do, or I will be wasted.

And the rain falls down

The years pace has slowed down to that of a clock in reverse. Days seem to last an eternity and I just wish this year to be over. 20 days left and it feels like a lifetime to go.
Happiness seems to be this overwhelming rush of emotions that leaves as quickly as it comes. For some estranged reason, sorrow has been something engulfing my soul for the past couple days. But why? I'm not sad. Life is going as good as ever, but an unknown darkness has entered into my realm of being. It encompasses my mind and has embodied what I hold most dearest to me...My memories.
I flip through the remembrances captured on photo paper, and cannot help but feel distraught. The movies I watch on eyelid screens cause me to awaken with a heavy feeling in my heart. If I tied up all the loose ends, then why do I feel as though I have string flapping in the wind? Why do I feel as though I am still unraveling as fast as ever? It has to be the holidays.
Those special times that I looked forward to each year are now times that I loathe and wish not to have to go through anymore. Paint on that happy face and hide behind the mask, but when it's washed off at night, then what? Where will I be? How will I feel?
Cabin fever has taken over me and I wish not to be here anymore. Here, not being a physical location, but a place I cannot describe. I wish to run away, but not from anything or anyone, and though I wish to be on a sandy beach, I do not want to go anywhere. I just want to go away from the ambiguous "here" and be happy in that Utpoia of thought that seems to be locked away in the "Pandora's Box" that curiosity seems to be pushing me to open.

Pointless Blog

Life seems so complicated at times. Nothing is ever in a straight line, things just get all out of whack. It has to be the lunar pull. Everyone is getting schitzo! I mean, some people say the strangest things and they are so hurtful, yet when you hear their voice and can sense that they are sorry and they didn't mean it, the sting is still there but the pain isn't is gone.
I had a massive fall out with my best friend over something relatively stupid. I REFUSE to let things fester from here on out, so I called her and we talked through it. She was just really hurting and needed a lash out. I hate to say I understand, but I do. I love her like the sister I never had.
So yeah, there is something really freaky going on with the cosmos. The planets are getting into some weird line-up and the lunar pull and solar whatever is causing a lot of strange things to occur. Nothing will make me happier than when this year comes to an end. I think that is the general consensus with everyone else too.
All right, that is the end of my pointless blog. Just had to let out a lil' steam. Somewhere deep down in the subconcious wrapped in riddles lies the meaning of this life. (MRH)

It's a good day today

Such is life. Just when I feel like the depths of my sorrow will consume me, I am spit out into the glistening moonlight, and all is well again.
So I am tying up all the loose ends of the past year, and I never realized how liberating and wonderful it would feel! It's like I am breathing air again! My chest doesn't feel like it is being crushed by the unseen forces of grudges or spite. It's absolutely amazing! I hate getting too excited or happy because just when I get used to the awesome feeling, I inevitably come crashing down. Oh well, I am living for the moment tonight!
I know there are going to be some rough spots throughout the month, but I am preparing now for them...Well, at least I'm trying too. I am trying not to get my hopes up and I'm trying not to get over anxious. I am just trying to live life like there's no tomorrow, and though that means taking risks, so far, the risks I took have taken me to a happier place than I was in. It's a great feeling letting people know how much you love them, and then finding out they love you and had missed you just as much.

Game Plan

So it comes to this? I am so tired of everything. I jinx myself by opening my mouth and letting my happiness escape in words that quickly disappear into the echo of silence. Maybe it's just a bad day. Maybe I'm over-tired. Maybe the holidays are taking a bigger toll on me than I thought they would. I don't know! All I know is that my joy and contentment gets slammed into the ground faster than a bolt of lightning in a storm.
I feel like I fighting battles all around me. I am a one person army, and I can only fend myself (or others depending) for so long before my wounds prove too deep and too fatal, and I ultimately lose what I have been trying so long to win. Just when I think I am back on my feet, someone kicks out my crutch and I end up on the ground again.
It's strange how words, simple letters, marks on a paper, flecks of ink or sound, can be so damaging. The way something is said stings so deep it causes burning tears to run down my cheeks. The way something is phrased seems so malicious, the pain consumes me and I cannot do anything to stop it. Just the thought of what "everyone else will say" and knowing that I have to continuously defend my ground, weakens my soul more and more each day. I can only give so much, until I need at least a little bit back to prove that all my trials and tribulations are worth something more than nothing. It seems like when that little bit is given to me, it's taken back just as fast.
So I must end with this: I am fighting so hard for this thing called "happiness", but all this "happiness" seems to be doing is killing me inside, all on account of the outside forces surrounding it. Are these outside forces things that I have no power or control to fight back? Are they stronger than what I believe is true? I don't know, and quite frankly, I'm scared to find out. But I do know that I have 28 days left in the crummy year, exactly 4 weeks of 2004 left, to figure out what I need to do to make myself content and find out what happiness really is to me. I need to start 2005 off with all the negativity behind me, or I fear it will haunt my footsteps into eternity.