Game Plan
So it comes to this? I am so tired of everything. I jinx myself by opening my mouth and letting my happiness escape in words that quickly disappear into the echo of silence. Maybe it's just a bad day. Maybe I'm over-tired. Maybe the holidays are taking a bigger toll on me than I thought they would. I don't know! All I know is that my joy and contentment gets slammed into the ground faster than a bolt of lightning in a storm.
I feel like I fighting battles all around me. I am a one person army, and I can only fend myself (or others depending) for so long before my wounds prove too deep and too fatal, and I ultimately lose what I have been trying so long to win. Just when I think I am back on my feet, someone kicks out my crutch and I end up on the ground again.
It's strange how words, simple letters, marks on a paper, flecks of ink or sound, can be so damaging. The way something is said stings so deep it causes burning tears to run down my cheeks. The way something is phrased seems so malicious, the pain consumes me and I cannot do anything to stop it. Just the thought of what "everyone else will say" and knowing that I have to continuously defend my ground, weakens my soul more and more each day. I can only give so much, until I need at least a little bit back to prove that all my trials and tribulations are worth something more than nothing. It seems like when that little bit is given to me, it's taken back just as fast.
So I must end with this: I am fighting so hard for this thing called "happiness", but all this "happiness" seems to be doing is killing me inside, all on account of the outside forces surrounding it. Are these outside forces things that I have no power or control to fight back? Are they stronger than what I believe is true? I don't know, and quite frankly, I'm scared to find out. But I do know that I have 28 days left in the crummy year, exactly 4 weeks of 2004 left, to figure out what I need to do to make myself content and find out what happiness really is to me. I need to start 2005 off with all the negativity behind me, or I fear it will haunt my footsteps into eternity.
I feel like I fighting battles all around me. I am a one person army, and I can only fend myself (or others depending) for so long before my wounds prove too deep and too fatal, and I ultimately lose what I have been trying so long to win. Just when I think I am back on my feet, someone kicks out my crutch and I end up on the ground again.
It's strange how words, simple letters, marks on a paper, flecks of ink or sound, can be so damaging. The way something is said stings so deep it causes burning tears to run down my cheeks. The way something is phrased seems so malicious, the pain consumes me and I cannot do anything to stop it. Just the thought of what "everyone else will say" and knowing that I have to continuously defend my ground, weakens my soul more and more each day. I can only give so much, until I need at least a little bit back to prove that all my trials and tribulations are worth something more than nothing. It seems like when that little bit is given to me, it's taken back just as fast.
So I must end with this: I am fighting so hard for this thing called "happiness", but all this "happiness" seems to be doing is killing me inside, all on account of the outside forces surrounding it. Are these outside forces things that I have no power or control to fight back? Are they stronger than what I believe is true? I don't know, and quite frankly, I'm scared to find out. But I do know that I have 28 days left in the crummy year, exactly 4 weeks of 2004 left, to figure out what I need to do to make myself content and find out what happiness really is to me. I need to start 2005 off with all the negativity behind me, or I fear it will haunt my footsteps into eternity.
posted by Ill-Fated Butterfly at 4:59 PM
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