Runaway Train

**I feel like I am on a subway platform, and everyone else is boarding their own trains of life. But my train must be running late; there's no light in the tunnel**

It's funny how history seems to repeat itself. This month feels like a wicked bad de ja vu month. I went through the same stuff a few years ago, and now I am going through it all again, just with different situations. It's the craziest thing! I get over excited in thinking I will know the outcome, but I realize, no matter how many times you go through the same thing, the ending is never the same.
Tonight is one of the night's that I feel at peace with the world. Why? I don't know. I just feel very content and happy. I don't like to feel like this because typically I come crashing down, but maybe this time I won't! Some weird force has taken over me and an optimistic side is showing! It's very scary and creepy. My horoscopes have been getting better too. I know that they apply to every single Gemini that was born, but lately, they seem to be in direct correlation with my life.
I've stood on the platform so long, and I'm on the verge of giving up hope, but as I look down the darkened tunnel, I see a glimpse of light...maybe it's time to prepare to board my train.

Incessant Rambling

And so it is, just when I think I have the winning poker hand in life, I end up getting beat out by the dealer. Why do I do this to myself? I don't know why I do!
I mean, parts of me just want to give up on everything and everyone and just run away to a place with sandy beaches and clear blue water, but how long after that will it be that I realize that I can't run away from everything? How long until paradise turns into something I loathe and despise? More importantly, is it worth risking?
I feel like I am being dealt funky hands in the games of chance, and the games are rigged just to keep me playing. (Paranoia?) I dunno. I sit here, drinking in an attempt to get some inspiration back, but none seems to be coming to me. I want to show the world what I have to offer, but it's like I have some stupid leash keeping me at bay. What leash you may think (what leash I may ask myself) I have no idea. I'm not scared to be different and just be me, but it's like I have to conform to other peoples ideals of what I am are. Does that make sense?
A friend asked me about different situations and if I changed when I was around different people. Sadly, the answer was yes. I feel like I do have to change depending on the company, but that's so not me. I HATE the idea of conformity yet I end up changing in the end. Hypocrite? BLAH! I don't know.
I am going to end this incessant rambling for now and pick up where I left off at a later date. All I am looking to do is be the clear crayon in the box of 96-Crayola...Is it that hard to do?

Mindless Dribble

And so it is, again, my mind is spinning. I don't know what has gotten me into such a tizzy, but whatever it is, it has to be big. Maybe it is the thought of having to deal with the holidays. Maybe it's because of work, or money, or life in general. I just have that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is going to happen. I don't have any inkling of what it could be though. All I know is that it is something that is going to happen soon.

***When the night sky looks upon me with tainted eyes, and I feel the surge of emotions sweep over me as a tidal wave in the sea, my heart ceases to beat. I stare into the blank oblivion, and let my mind wander into the unknown. I listen to the voices the wind speaks to us with, in turn, breathing out silent words contained in chilled breath, and let myself slip into the darkness the world so openly offers me.***

1st of many thoughts on the holidays

Memories become tattoos on my heart: a permanent, never-ending reminder of times past. It's funny how much they hurt, but feel good at the same time. I guess it's like what everyone tells me about real tattoos. They say "when you get ink done, it hurts a lot, but it's a good hurt after a while". Yeah, memories can become a good hurt after a while.
Bah Hum Bug for the Holidays. A time to go out and spend more money in one month than you would typically spend in an entire year. A time to see all the people you really don't care to see but are obligated to. A time to pretend you really want to be somewhere when you would much rather jam hot pokers in your eyes (the pain from the pokers would probably feel better than having to force yourself to smile and having to listen to stories all night long). BLAH! Whatever happened to the joys of the holidays?! I wish I had that back, but I don't. I will be just as happy when the January 1st rolls around and the crummy 2004 year will have ended. Oh yes, just another blob of ink on my beating heart.

Questions of the Night

And I laugh, high pitched sound echoing into the nothingness that consumes me. How much longer must I live in the void of life? How much longer must I dance into the emptiness of the night? I stare into the blackened ceiling, pondering where the woodpecker that poked holes into the navy sky flew off to. I wish I could follow its lead. I wish I could fly away, leaving little, shining, rays of hope wherever I went. But I can't.
I yearn to taste the happiness I once had. I pray that that missing piece of my puzzle finds me and completes who I am once again. Why must I constantly hope, and pray, and yearn and pine for the thing I need and want the most? Why can't my life just be completed like it was supposed to be, and I could move on from this state of mental and emotional frustration?
At night, my mind wanders and wonders. I lay awake thinking about everything, and each night I try to rationalize my actions and my thoughts. How much more can I take though? How much more can my heart, my mind, my soul take? It's like I am caught in a deadly undertow, caressing the downfall of what may have been and what is. Tasting the bitter-sweet flavor of the freedom I so openly wanted, I realize that it burns my lips and scorches my soul.
In time, all will be healed. In time, all will be revealed. But until then, how am I supposed to go against what my heart tells me? I am following it's beat, and it takes me back to one place, but what do I do when I am an outcast in that place? What am I supposed to do? Try to be accepted back? Try to push my way in and re-start where I should be? I feel as though I will never know, and fortunately (or maybe unfortunately) this uncertainty is what keeps my mind working and keeps my heart beating every day through.

On my mind at the moment

I'm so tired of everything anymore. I have my good moments. I have my bad moments. Tonight is one of those lovely bad moments where all I want to do is scream or cry or run away. Why? Did something bad happen to trigger an upsetting memory? Was I hurt by someone? Did I just find out devastating news? Nope. Completely the opposite! Nothing bad happened and yet I feel as if I am losing this damned battle I like to call my life.
All I know is that the happier and more at peace I get, the more my mind shoots into overdrive. That's my problem. I think too much. No, wait, maybe I don't think too much, but I over analyze things too much. I also take too much to heart. I let simple little things affect my outlook on what is happening in my life and in doing so, I am driving myself insane.
The most I can say at this point of time is that all I want is to be happy. I know what will make me the happiest. I know what will make me feel complete. I know what will help me get a full night of sleep, and keep me motivated all throughout the day. I know, that what I know is true, and though to some it may seem like some silly dream, some out there fantasy, but at least it's my silly dream, my out there fantasy, and no one can take that away from me. And when I make that dream come true, and live my fantasy into a reality, at least I can look back and see that the hardest part of the trip wasn't getting where I wanted to be, but accepting where I'd been.

A quick note

I got an inspirational note from my mom the other day. It said something to the effect of "if you knew you were going to die soon, who would you call, what would you say and why are you waiting?" It made my mind start to race. I know who I would call. I know what I would say. But there's a part of me that is scared to actually do it, because I don't want to sound paranoid about death. On the other hand, why should I fear anything when there are no guarantees in life? We don't know when we are going to die. We don't know when we are going to take our last breath. For these reasons, I intend to stop taking things for granted, and start living like I am dying, because we are all dying a little bit, everyday.

Babbling

I feel so strange tonight. I have sold my soul to the devil and I kind of like it. I cannot go indepth about it, but I feel so strangely calm and collected. I sit here writing this and I don't know why I am doing it. Maybe because it was my last day at my home store and I am missing all my people more than a lot. Maybe it is because I feel that life is coming to a major changing point, and I don't know which highway to take. Maybe it's because I feel that I am going to have a make a major decision sooner or later and I am scared to have to make such a choice. I just don't know.
What I do know is that I am 23 years old, on the verge of paying off debt, and in no time I am going to be back on my feet and ready to take on whatever the world has to throw at me. I feel as though I can take on anything now, but it'll be nice once the little added pressures are off me. I am making many difficult decisions everyday, and some may not be the smartest, but I am making them that way because I feel that is what I want/need to do. No matter what happens to me from here on out, I know that no matter how bad things may get, they can never be as bad as the once were. Everyday is a new day, and you never know when your time will expire, so you have to live each day like it was your last, and worry about the little things tomorrow.

Ending a Chapter

I feel like I am on the verge of something BIG, but I don't know what it is. I was driving home from my friend's place this morning and I just felt like I was on the edge of a cliff (no pun intended) or that some kind of huge change is going to take place. I don't know what it is though. I am leaving my home store and transferring to another, but it feels like more than that. My eyes have been staying at a constant green, and anyone that knows me knows that when this happens, it is some kind of weird sign that something is going to happen. Usually my eyes will be green for a night or day or something, and then something comes along relatively soon. Well, this time they have progressively gotten more and more green, so that leads me to assume that something big is in the midst of the fog. But what is it?
I usually get a little apprehensive when this happens, because whatever it is that my eyes are foreshadowing could be good or bad, but this time, I feel that it isn't going to be bad. I am not scared or nervous about what it is, just curious. Could it be with work? Friends? Love? Money? God I wish I knew. Then it comes down to it where all I can do is wait to see what evolves. I am quite impatient though. I want whatever it is to hurry up, but what exactly is it that I am rushing?
Whatever the case is, I feel very strong at this point in time. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. I'm still confused by much of what is happening in my personal life, but I'm not as scared or upset as I was before. I actually feel quite "normal", which is scary because those who know me know that I am anything but! The most I can say is that I cannot be anything I want to be, I can only be me, and maybe I am about to close the chapter of my life where I am trying so hard to be what everyone else thinks I should be, and in the end the heroine will win, and it will only be left one person...the person that is the real me.

Other People's Opinions

Is it right to let what other people say influence your own point-of-view? I mean, not influencing what you think, but influencing how you feel? If someone says something to you, telling you exactly how they feel about a certain situation, and this is completely opposite what you think about it, is it right to get upset over it? I say no, and want to stand behind my belief that no one has the right to make you feel like crap, but it's hard not to at times. If you are so confident and so hell bent on something and someone tells you it's never gonna happen or it's never gonna work, why does that affect how you feel? It's just an opinion. It's just what an outsider has to say about something that doesn't even pertain to them, but why does it seem to have so much power me?
I like to think that I am a strong willed and tenacious person, but at times, I feel so weak. I feel like if someone doesn't approve of something or they don't share the same belief system I do, I am in the wrong. Ultimately, that is wrong too. I am wrong in believing I am wrong, because no one has the right or no one should have the ability to disprove something that they know little about. Maybe I am wrong to get this upset over something so small and stupid, but I can't help it. If you have 20 people behind you on something, and 1 person says that it can't be done, why should what they have to say about it alter what I feel about it? I have so many people behind me right now, why should I let one person make me feel like everything that I have done and everything that I have seemingly accomplished was done in vain?
I think by writing this, I am just trying to reinforce to myself that I am strong enough to not let one little opinionated speed bump throw me off the road. I know what my mission is and I know what I feel, and I am not going to let what anyone says or thinks make me feel as though I don't have a snowballs chance in hell of getting what I want. I know I may be a leaf in the wind right now, and I have no control over anything, but that unseen force will keep me dancing through it all.