Time to Myself

Ok. So I did it. I'm getting good at the whole "open communication" thing.

I love being with the guy I'm currently dating, however, I don't want him thinking every spare minute/moment we will be together. I know that sounds shitty, but I don't mean it to be. I just want to make sure it's established EARLY ON that I need time to myself and/or with my friends. Because in my trials and tribulations, I've found that the sooner you get this trend established, the better off you are.

Take this for instance: A gourmet cooking group and I used to get together weekly for dinners (usually on Wednesdays or Thursdays). Well within the past couple months, our friends who have 3 kids joined us, which is AWESOME because it has become a weekly thing, but it hindered our gourmet-abilities because we had to find everyone-friendly foods. So long story still long, we've taken Sunday as our new cooking night.

That being said, it's pretty much and "our" thing. It's "our" special night to just hang out. So not to say the bf isn't invited...however...he's not invited. Not yet at least. Maybe in time, but this has always been an intimate group thing (that group being our usual suspects) so...

Wow, after re-reading this, I sound like a raging bitch and a horrible gf. I'm trying not to be though. I'm just trying to keep it real. Why pretend everything is honky-dory when it's not, right? Why pretend something doesn't bother me if it actually does. Or why live under some false presumptions or facades when in the long run it'll kill a relationship?? Exactly. I SHOULDN'T!

Bittersweet Monday

It's a bittersweet Monday today. I just found out my "what if" got engaged to the girl he had been seeing. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for him, but I'm not a fan of her.

He and I have had a long-standing past of "we should be together." But time never allowed for it. All of a sudden last year, I was single, he was single and it seemed like things were working in our favor. But then he got back with her, I started dating someone else, and we drifted outwards again. They were on-and-off again, I was on-and-off again, and we still spent time together...until she got stupid and made him de-friend me and stop talking to me.

I get it, the jealousy thing, the thing that drives crazy bitches to give ultimatums (which is, by the way, shitty) I get that. I just don't like it. But I guess it might be a good thing that she made us cut contact, because there would always be those feelings, memories, residual "what if" thoughts that came into play every time we saw each other. Doesn't make it any more easier to deal with though.

Rant of the week

OK, so lately little things have been bothering me. Some have been brought to light, others need to remain in the dark for the time being (though I feel much better about the ones that are out in the open than those that are not).

For example, I can only take being called by my real name or a pet name so many times in an internet chat conversation before I get annoyed or it loses its feeling of purpose/awesomeness. That was something that was mentioned because I could honestly feel myself losing it, lol.

Another thing that gets on my nerves is being agreed with 24/7. There needs to be some differences. There needs to be some disagreement. There needs to be some alternative factor to keep things interesting. Even if it seems like agreeing is what should be done, it's not always the right choice. Or maybe the over-animation of excitement in agreement could be taken down a notch and then it wouldn't be so bad? I dunno.

I have no idea what's gotten into me lately. I think over-communication and spending of time (be it virtual or real life) has taken its toll on me. Especially when it's something I haven't "had" to be accustomed to in many moons. My dad and I talked and even he says you just need to know when to back off or kinda shy away a bit, otherwise you're gonna drive people crazy.

Perhaps it's a culmination of things that is driving me crazy. From money, to work, to life, to love, to weight loss, everything seems to be getting amplified.

Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I am severely annoyed and angered right now. I LOVE feeling awesome...but HATE having something set me back to feeling not so awesome. Case and point...bridesmaid dress. Had to get fitted for it in January when I was thinner than I am now. It still fits, but not as pretty as it did then. And that annoys me. Especially when the wedding is only like 3 weeks away. I mean, I know I can kick some serious ass in those 3 weeks if I put my mind to it. But it's the whole "can it be done?" thought process. Can it be done? I think it can. It just takes determination and willpower...2 things I really don't have much of. And even if I do keep up with whatever drastic actions I take...will it pay off??

*sigh*