"Demons" by Brian McFadden

I heard this song tonight...and have listened to it at least 10x already. The lyrics are just beautiful and listening to it I can't help but sigh (in a good way).

"Demons"

Have you ever been lost in a different world
Where everything you once knew
Is gone
And you find yourself powerless
With everything that exists
You're numb

Will I ever break free

I searched my world but I can't find you
You're standing there but I can't touch you
Try to talk but the words are just not there
I can feel a sense of danger
You stare at me like I'm a stranger
Paralyzed and you don't seem to care
The demons in my dreams

If you become a nobody
Blind, to your family
Who would you be?
And life has gone into reverse
Re-living every hurt
Along the way

Everything that you fear is calling you and drawing near

I searched my world but I can't find you
You're standing there but I can't touch you
Try to talk but the words are just not there
I can feel a sense of danger
You stare at me like I'm a stranger
Paralyzed and you don't seem to care
The demons in my dreams

Wake me up and let's go, yeah
I'm about to explode
Yeah

I searched my world but I can't find you
You're standing there but I can't touch you
Try to talk but the words are just not there
I can feel a sense of danger
You stare at me like I'm a stranger
Paralyzed and you don't seem to care
The demons in my dreams

In Wine, There is Truth...

The saying goes, "In wine, there is truth." UGH! They ain't just whistling dixie!

Had a rough night last night...liquid courage can be a blessing or a curse and I feel like it was a little bit of both.

Sticking to my resolution (I guess you could say)I opened up about everything that was on my mind. I laid it all out there...every dirty bit. And that is scary. I almost feel regretful about it, because I feel like it shouldn't have come out that way. I may have sounded beligerent and bitchy, but it really just had built up to such a point, I could no longer stand it.

The only way for me to be happy (I know this) is to be able to freely talk about everything. I want to be asked about my hopes, dreams, aspirations. I want to talk about the future not like "what if" but more like "when it." I know I've lost my edge. I know I've lost my confidence. And I am most definitely working to get it back. Unfortunately, the entire "laying it all out there" that happened last night may have hurt someone, and I am sorry about that. But I couldn't contain it any longer.

I don't want to live the rest of my life fearing saying how I truly feel. I don't want to live out the rest of my life boiling and festering inside because I can't say what I really want to. I should be able to talk about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING...but right now I can't. And I don't know if it's fear of the reaction or fear of the repercussions or maybe just fear of the unknown of what will happen next. It needs to stop.

So I did it. But this battle isn't over yet. This whole coming clean thing will be an uphill struggle. I need to maintain my strength and be honest with myself and others about what the real issues are. I just hate hurting other people, and if I think what I have to say may hurt them, I don't want to say it...Of course, then nights like last night happen and it all explodes. Oof.

A Quick Thank You

Thank you...
For always being there.
For telling me I'm perfect just the way I am.
For never agreeing that I need to change...but being behind me 100% if I want to.
For offering an ear, a shoulder or just a hug.
For never judging me.
For not holding it against me when I get bitchy...and for not bringing it up to use against me.
For being my constant.
For being my best friend.
For just being you.
I thank you.

Quote of the Day:

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful."

Don't start with me tonight...

There comes a time in everyone's life...when you're tired of putting up with the shit. When it's time to stand up and say (or at least think) FUCK THAT and not take the shit any more. And that's what I did tonight. And that's what I plan to do if anything like tonight happens again.

You yell at me and we will be DONE talking. You keep yelling at me and so help me God, I will tell you to get the hell out. Want to try my patience or test my strength? Bring it. I am tired of dealing with this crap. I am tired of getting trampled on. And I will NOT put up with it.

OYE! The most trivial and stupid, minor things! What the hell?!?! Well I guess I gotta take a stand somewhere, and if that is where it shall be, then so be it.

Look out world...the Original and REAL me is making a comeback...

A Test of Resolution

Well, I had my first big test of my new year's resolution...where I had to either let something get to me or say F IT! I DON'T CARE. Ok, ok, I kinda let it get to me, but then I said screw it and let it go. Now I just look back and laugh...and scoff...HA! Bring it on bitches!

Whew. So there. I'm tired of constantly having to fight a whole load of ugly that is ALWAYS coming my way. I'm done with it...DONE! And yes, I keep talking about it so it doesn't look like I'm over it but I am...and if not 100% then I am on the road to it. Ohh the agitation that comes along with it--but whatever. Such is life I guess.

(Albeit it SHOULDN'T be that way...however...we shall see where it goes from there....)

Random Thoughts of the Day

I read a secret tonight...that totally hit home. And I am so scared that it was meant for me. That is was God's way of being like HEY! WTF!?

I bought something I haven't bought in a while...and I did it because I wanted to feel more like myself, and stop fearing the repercussions of it.

As much as I fear what tomorrow brings, I also look forward to what may be in store.

They say if you have to ask a question, you already know the answer...I sure know a lot.

I don't want to feel guilty for drinking, because I don't get drunk every night, I don't drive drunk, I don't let it interfere with work and I don't spend all my money on it.

After watching Mamma Mia, I kinda want to move to Greece and sing and dance the days away--carefree style.

I have my dream job...but I wonder what else is out there.

The previous comment makes me wonder if I will ever be satisfied with anything???

I have so many thoughts it in my head, I don't know how I don't have smoke coming out my ears.

First "One of Those Nights" of 2010

Ok. Bad night. Very, very bad night. And why? I have no idea. I just got into one of those moods where I don't really want to be around anyone. Where I just want to wallow in self-pity and inner angst. Where I can't make heads or tails from my emotions and how I feel.

I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm raging on the inside, but can't seem to get it out on the outside. I can't stand not being able to say what I really think. I can't stand not being able to express what I truly want to say.

So I wonder...am I going against my resolution already? 5 days into the New Year and I am being a traitor to myself by not saying what I want to? Hmmm, that is a good question. At this stage in the game I just don't want to come across as bitchy as I did then.

Wow...I wish I could go back. Not to change anything, but to do it all again one more time. Maybe enjoy it a little more instead of rushing through it.

Oh life...what a bitch.

Chapter 2010

Wow...Welcome to a new decade and a whole new chapter of my life.

I get the feeling this year is going to be a doozey. I really, truly believe that this year is going to be one of the biggest in all my 28 years of life. I can feel it in my gut.

But what does it mean? I guess I will just have to find out. So far I have done good sticking to my resolutions, albeit it has been quite difficult. Last night I didn't feel so good about it, had a hard time sleeping because of it, but I got through it. I can't worry 24/7 about every little thing.

It's hard being tough and sticking to my ground, but it needs to be done if I'm ever going to get the "me" back that I want to be. I've pushed aside my own feelings and happiness far too much over the years, and I'm not doing it anymore. I've always tried to be the best girl I can be, but at my own expense, and that's not fair. So that's why I am putting an end to it. Again I won't be a raging bitch or anything, but I also will not stand for others, no matter WHO they are, to take advantage (or for granted) my good-naturedness.

So here we go! Welcome 2010 and to getting back the girl I used to be!