How I Feel...

I have never felt so powerless in my life.
I have never felt so emotionally-decayed.
I have never felt so unaccepted.
I have never felt so runner-up.
I have never felt so last place.
I have never felt so lost.
I have never felt so confused.

I haven't felt this sad in a while.
I haven't felt this upset in a while.
I haven't felt this angry in a while
I haven't felt this uncertain in a while.

I have never wished so hard in my life.
I have never wanted so much in my life.
I have never hoped this much in my life.

Never in my entire life would I ever have believed that I would just lay down and accept all the shit that was thrown at me and not fight back. To keep my mouth shut because I actually feared what the repercussions of what I said would be.

Yes, I am a martyr for the cause.
No, I don't want your pity.
Yes, it's NOT fair what I am going through.
No, I don't want a fucking medal.
Yes, I am broken.
No, I don't know how to fix me.

I just want to be at peace...And I'm scared of what I'll have to do to attain that...

I HATE YOU!

Three simple words...three words that each individually don't really mean too much...but together, WOW, they pack a whammy...Even when they are said in jest. And that's the sad part...they were said in JEST. Not serious. Not for realsies. Said as a comeback. But god damn....that stung. Retaliation words weren't any better..."Yes, now I can just get into a car accident and die on the way home."

AYE AYE AYE!! They were taken back as quick as they were said, and I know I'm just overreacting, but seriously...OUCH! I guess I get a taste of my own medicine (with the whole firing back with something snappy). Yeargh.

Happy New Moon...way too much shit happened today.

Opening Up...It's a lot harder than it seems

Why is it so much easier to say you're going to do something, than to actually do it? I wish it wasn't that way. But then I guess life would be easy, huh?

I harbor many-a-things, a butt-load of which should have been released to sail out into the sea of the past a while ago. Why can't I let it go? I can only read so many "self help" articles that repeat the same advice over and over before I get bored with them.

I know I need to be more communicative when it comes to things that bother me, but then I feel like all I would be doing is bitching. (Bitching more than I normally do?? Oh that, is a scary thought). But I also feel that if I say what's bothering me, it might hurt another person. Even if I say it in a nice way, it might still come across as bitchy or mean. The other tough thing is when I have VALID reasons with why I'm upset, but actually bringing them into the open could seriously offend someone or make them feel icky (because I am 110% RIGHT).

Aye aye aye. Life's a crazy ball of wax I tell ya. Like I've posted before, there are good days and there are bad days. Today feels like a semi-off day. I have things I'd like to say or face, but I really don't want to get into an argument or feel like shit for saying them out loud and then regretting them later. Once something is said, you can't take it back (that's something that has been DRILLED into me). But if I don't say it, how do I get it off my chest. Unfortunately, writing or blogging about it just doesn't do the trick anymore.

We shall see I guess. Gotta take things one step at a time and choose the battles I plan to engage.

Good Advice...Brought to You by a 15-year old

A "little girl" I used to babysit, who is not so little anymore, seeing as how she is going to be a freshman in high school said something to me that had to be one of the most insightful and awesome points a "youngtser" could offer to me...Let me start at the beginning.

Amy asked me if I had any advice for her for high school, because as excited as she was, she was also incredibly nervous. OMG. So I thought back and told her everything that I wish I had known or thought. When I finished my spiel of insight, I finished by saying something along the lines of how much I miss school. (As much as I hated high school, I do wish I could go back and do it again--even if I never changed anything---same goes with the rest of my life, but I digress.) When she emailed me back, she thanked me but followed up with, "STOP! You're wasting your life away missing your past."

Holy crap! She made a great point! I really am wasting my life away thinking and longing to relive the past!

I wonder why it is I can't seem to let go of the past and enjoy the today? I mean, I know I blogged about it before, but why can't I enjoy the now??? I do enjoy it, but I feel like I mentally regress a lot more. It's just so queer to me!!!

I love my life--I love my boyfriend--I love my friends--I love my family--my house--my job--EVERYTHING. But why do I constantly look back and wish to go back? Is it because I wish I would have listened to the advice of, oh I dunno, EVERYONE, and not wished my youth away? Soooo crazy. Sooo weird. I'm trying to work off of what she said and STOP.

I'm also working on getting back to the old me--the care free me. The one who who was crazy outgoing and totally content in her own skin. I think it'll start happening more once I get back to the dark-haired version of myself...baby steps to get me back into my own skin...muahahahaha.

BAM! Reality Check

It's not everyday you get a reality check that snaps your head back and makes you reevaluate the person you have become. Today I was told that I've been acting arrogant...and as much as that hurt to hear, I can kind of see how that could be true. I never thought I was acting arrogant mind you...I was just acting, I don't know what the word is. But I am truly embarrassed by it.

So yet again, I'm on a mission to change something about myself, but this time, it's something that shouldn't even be an issue. I know I am heavily opinionated, but I guess I need to put my opinions in check and not be as free and open with them as I normally am. Now that I am seeing how others may perceive my attitude, I realize that it really does need a change....especially for the better.

I guess it's the same with how I carry myself--the things I do--the way I act with/to people. I do need to get better with that, and that is something that I've known for a while. It's just I get this weird, anxious feeling inside where I just feel awkward, and that's when I start acting "funky".

So here we go again. Another mission...I hope I don't fail. I guess failure isn't an option though, because I don't want to the "that" girl. The one who is known as a bitch or an over-opinionated cunt. That's definitely NOT how I want to be known...I just hope it's not too late.