Today is a good day...

I think emotions are a funny thing. Not just emotions, but feelings and mindset in general. I mean, what is it that causes a person to wake up on the right/wrong side of the bed? What is it that makes a person's mindset swing from one extreme to the next? It's such a curious thing, I wish I had the mental capacity to actually handle and understand it.

As always, I'm in one of those "change me for the better" moods, but I'm trying to avoid what ALWAYS happens when I make an attempt like this--where I get mad at myself/others because I feel I'm being lazy or that I should have done something that I didn't. I don't know why we as humans put so much pressure on ourselves (we meaning me, lol). The best solution I guess is to just take life with a grain of salt. It's so easy to say, but to actually do...yea, not so muchie.

So we shall see I guess. Some days are better than others. I'm thinking today is one of those "better" days...which means that by tomorrow I'll probably be back to the "hater" feeling. Aye aye aye. Life, what a crazy ball of wax it is.

Ummm, paranoid much?

I'm not gonna lie...I really think that the "situation" (which occurred years ago) seriously has me fucked up. Not fucked up crazy, but fucked up like I don't know how to handle myself anymore. I don't understand myself anymore. It's like the piece of me that made me ME was killed off or locked away or something. I'm still outspoken, but I no longer have that strong-willed, care-free, comfortable-in-my-0wn-skin attitude anymore.

I'm always second-guessing. I'm always worrying. I'm always wondering what other people are thinking. I'm always nervous that what I say/will say will upset someone and if it does, then what. I get upset and can't seem to shake the feeling.

I used to play out scenarios in my head, but now those "play outs" seem to rule my life. I have no idea what to do. And even when I talk about what's on my mind, I regret it because I feel like no one understands and that when I actually talk about what's going on with me, they'll think less of me (even the people that care about me). And then I start feeling worse wondering if they tell anyone else and if those opinions will alter how that person feels about me...

It's very upsetting feeling like this. It's a horrible feeling when it seems like it'd be better to just self-depreciate and keep it all inside, because you don't want to bring others down or make them wonder about you. I always said I was trapped in my mind...I guess that's no lie, huh?

Always losing

Well, it's me again. Crazy neurotic me. I totally had a melt down tonight. Luckily my hunny was there for me to let me cry it out--kinda talk it out--and then help me reason it out.

I feel a little better, but in part, a little worse. I read an interesting article in TIME that said something along the lines of "sometimes thinking positively isn't the best thing to do in all situations because for those that are depressive or self-haters, trying to reinforce a positive thought or boost their confidence may have an adverse effect on them and in turn, make them feel worse." I think that's how life work's with me.

When I try to think positive and reinforce some positive thoughts, I wind up getting even more down on myself because I start realizing how far off I am from actually achieving those goals/thoughts. I seriously HATE feeling this freaking s;djf a;sldjf;lsdf but I do...and I always have.

I told my bf...I have been losing a never ending battle all my life. He said I will win...I hope that's true. Every so often I think I am getting ahead...but in reality, I think I may just be wounded, laying in a puddle of my own blood, and any thoughts of winning are just a delirious side effect of the blood loss...

Am I really as bitchy as I feel?

Am I a bitch? I mean, what exactly is it that makes someone a bitch? I feel like my willingness to speak what's on my mind and say how exactly I feel or confirm who is pissing me off or just flat out state my opinion on ANY matter makes me a bad person. Even when I'm in my "safe" company (ie, those who I can speak my mind to about anything and everything) I feel like somehow what I'm saying is coming across over-opinionated and making me out to be a downright BITCH!

And if this is the case, why am I letting it bother me. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. And I guess maybe the way I need to look at it is that not everyone is "ballsy" enough (ballsy like me that is) to say what really needs to be said. Perhaps that mindset is the wrong way to go though...

I don't know. I just feel really down on myself right now because all I can keep thinking is that I am this horrible person who is WAY too over-opinionated and outspoken and who seriously comes across looking like an f'n c*nt...all because I speak what's on my mind.

Is it really so bad? Or is this me making WAY too much out of a situation, which isn't even a situation to begin with?!?! Did any of this even make sense?! I don't know! *sigh* freaking over-emotional day of days!