Feeling So "Lost"

So I feel incredibly lost right now. I feel as though the carefree, rambunctious, crazy-fun, wildy-easy-going girl is hiding somewhere. I mean, I know I have had my share of self-esteem issues over the years, but I thought I good portion of those were behind me. And it's not even self-esteem issues that are making me feel lost, I just feel like I piece of the "me" I knew and loved has gone somewhere and I am not sure where to find her again.

Of course, this stems from something that happened last night. It wasn't anything bad. But I can't help but wonder why I felt so nervous or anxious. Could it be that hot-ass girls with bodies I could only dream to have were everywhere? Could it be that they all radiated an aura of self-confidence and carefreeness (is that even a word?!?) I don't know. But I guess everything happens for a reason, because it just gave me a whole new perspective on everything.

Ooooo the wheels in my mind are spinning about a billion RPM, and I highly doubt they will slow down at any point. This could be a good thing. Or it could be a bad thing. I guess we will just have to see, right? Sadly I don't see a solution to the "issue" or problem that is bothering me. I feel like I'm just swimming in my thoughts and I can't seem to grasp on to anything. Like even now, I am cognisant of the things around me, but I have that weird dream feeling where I'm not really here, or things aren't really happening around me, but they are. So strange. So crazy. I wonder if this is how a possessed person feels. Hearing their voice and answers to questions people ask, but not feeling as if it is truly them doing the talking? Whoa, absolutely mind-boggling...

Something worth forwarding

A Birth Certificate shows that we were born.

A Death Certificate shows that we died.

Pictures show that we lived!

I Believe... That just because two people argue, doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, Doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe... That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I Believe... That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe... That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I Believe... That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe... That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe... That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe... That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe... That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe... That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe... That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe... That my best friend and I can do anything, or nothing, and have the best time.

I Believe... That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe... That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe... That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had, and what you've learned from them.....and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe... That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe... That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe... That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe... That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life Forever.

I Believe... Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I Believe... That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe... That even when you think you have no more to give, if a friend cries out to you.......you will find the strength to help.

I Believe... That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe... That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I Believe... The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; They just make the most of everything.

Psychosomatic Article

Interesting...I read this in an article about psychosomatic illnesses and stress. And it had 3 components to beating stress. Number 1: Learn to recognize when you are totally stressed. Number 2: Don't hold it in! Let it out! And the 3rd and final component: "willingness. That's right, willingness. We have to be willing to let go of our expectations about what we must do. We have to be willing to let go of old guilts and shoulds that are guiding our behavior. We have to allow ourselves to just be human. It's okay for men to cry and be emotional. It's okay for women to let someone else have a turn with the household chores. It's okay to fall short of your goals if you're doing the best that you can. Some of our biggest stressors actually come from within ourselves!"
Very good article. I thoroughly enjoyed.

A New Year. A New Plan.

Well, it's a new year. 2009 has finally arrived. We hope 09 is MUCH better than 08. Yes, many good things did come out of 2008, however it was action-packed with drama, anger and a bit of sadness and woe...which changed into a deeper level of anger that hasn't quite been able to be let go of. Let's hope 2009 can make that happen.

So I was reflecting over the past year and realized something...I really miss having a girl friend. I know I have a few girl friends who are my bestest, but they live in Colorado and Columbus, so they're not local. My other girl friend lives just a few cities over in Garfield Heights, but I haven't talked to her in probably 6 months, and I don't know why. I miss her dearly though, and just wish she would make another comeback (we lost touch over a stupid-ass fight that neither of us remember, and we rekindled the friendship, but then all of a sudden...she was gone again). Makes me sad, because I miss all my girls. They are the bestest and only female friend-friends I have...

I plan to start a memory book for myself, I just need to get a new notebook or my laptop back to start it. The plan is to actually write out all the memories I have that I like to think about. Just the random ones; going to concerts, sports games, out on dates, whatever they are. Just something that documents all the crazy-fun times that happened in life. Some things will be quite personal, but hey, it's MY memory book for a reason ;-)

I also plan to write more often. I realized I feel so much better when I blog or journal or write poetry. Tis a good feeling all around, and I will start to do it much, much more. I just need to get my butt in gear and get the proper utensils, lol.

There are more resolutions I have, but as my boyfriend said, "don't set yourself up for failure," which is pretty much what I do every year with resolutions that are HELLA not realistic. So this year...I take them all one step at a time. Hopefully they will all work out. I also plan to not be so hard on myself and to let go of the stupid grudges I am inadvertently holding on to. We shall see...Only time will tell, but hey, we have 363 days to make them all happen.