Mental Explosion
We all ask it, if you could turn back time, would you?
I always said no, because then I wouldn't be the person I am today, but is that true? Is that really true? I always knew one day, I would find my true love, no matter what, and I did. So if I turned back time and did things different, how can I actually say that I wouldn't have met him? We are meant to be, so there are no worries that had I done things differently, that would we wouldn't have met. I know, in my heart of hearts, we would have met, regardless of the situation.
I think back to all the friends I had, once upon a time. And many nights, I wonder away at where they are now. Why did we lose touch? What happened, that we just lost each other in this sea of people we encounter everyday? And the typical answer...We got caught up in life. Yes, we did, we all get caught up in life, but do we ever stop and appreciate what life truly is? I think not.
I've had many friends over the years. Many bad influences, many good. Many times, moments, situations, that helped shape the person I am today. So why did I let these friends go? "Because I was a different person, a bad person, when I was with them," because ,"I wasn't myself," because, "I was too wild, too crazy," because, "they stabbed me in the back because they weren't with me 100% through all the crazy moments." I've so often wondered what would happen if we could rekindle such relationships. I have met up with 2 friends, and we still talk, not as often as we could, but we do.
I look at my boyfriend's life. I see all of his friends. I hear stories of college, spring break, fun times, college games, etc, and I wonder, why not me? My life was so different, but why? I went to school, then came home to live the life I had. I don't keep in touch with ANY friends from college. I have 1 person's email addy, and that's it. We talk, maybe twice a year anymore, but that's it. My friends were fair-weather at the most. Yea, I used to have parties with 30 people--my "friends" from work, but we all know what that truly was, nothing more than a party. They came over, because I was the one who had an apartment. Yo and I were the first ones to have our own place, our place to party and have people over anytime, day or night. The only reason these "friends" came, was because we were the cool, older kids. But where are they now? I often ask myself that.
I do get sad, I'm not going to lie. I wish I had people to hang out with. I love my best friend, he is the bomb. And I don't mean to take for granted what we share. We had a fall-out, a long time ago, but it was stupid, and our friendship won out in the end. We are stronger and more bff than ever before.
I wish I had a group of friends to be with. Tonight, I have enjoyed the apartment to myself, to a point, but in reality. I have no one to hang out with. The friends I have live in Columbus, Colorado, nearby (but studying for important exams and such), so without my roomie or my boyfriend...I sit here alone. It's almost surreal. This time alone, it's amazing, because I can write again. I haven't been able to write-write in so long. I miss it, but I don't.
I came across some old poems from the "dark ages". It's amazing to me how dark they truly were. But my writing, my God, my writing was awesome then. I don't typically toot my own horn with such things, but I feel that I wrote like the great Poe. My heart aches sometimes, when I think to what I wanted to be, a poet and an author, but that my greatest stories and inspiration came from hard times and strife, from sadness and hate. I don't live in that realm anymore, so therefore I feel my writing is not what it used to be. In essence, it is nothing.
I wish I had friends the way others do. I wish I could call someone randomly to get a drink. I wish we all went out and enjoyed each others company, but we don't. It's sad to me. I feel like I live vicariously through others. Yes, I have friends through my boyfriend, and they are wonderful. But I can't just call them and ask them to go out.
I could go on for hours, pages of text and script, a page count rivaling War and Peace, but I won't. I think I have said what I needed. Wow, this felt really good. So good, I hope I can do it again soon.
But for now, I will leave off with something I said before, we're all so busy living life, but do we ever stop to appreciate and love, what life truly is?
I always said no, because then I wouldn't be the person I am today, but is that true? Is that really true? I always knew one day, I would find my true love, no matter what, and I did. So if I turned back time and did things different, how can I actually say that I wouldn't have met him? We are meant to be, so there are no worries that had I done things differently, that would we wouldn't have met. I know, in my heart of hearts, we would have met, regardless of the situation.
I think back to all the friends I had, once upon a time. And many nights, I wonder away at where they are now. Why did we lose touch? What happened, that we just lost each other in this sea of people we encounter everyday? And the typical answer...We got caught up in life. Yes, we did, we all get caught up in life, but do we ever stop and appreciate what life truly is? I think not.
I've had many friends over the years. Many bad influences, many good. Many times, moments, situations, that helped shape the person I am today. So why did I let these friends go? "Because I was a different person, a bad person, when I was with them," because ,"I wasn't myself," because, "I was too wild, too crazy," because, "they stabbed me in the back because they weren't with me 100% through all the crazy moments." I've so often wondered what would happen if we could rekindle such relationships. I have met up with 2 friends, and we still talk, not as often as we could, but we do.
I look at my boyfriend's life. I see all of his friends. I hear stories of college, spring break, fun times, college games, etc, and I wonder, why not me? My life was so different, but why? I went to school, then came home to live the life I had. I don't keep in touch with ANY friends from college. I have 1 person's email addy, and that's it. We talk, maybe twice a year anymore, but that's it. My friends were fair-weather at the most. Yea, I used to have parties with 30 people--my "friends" from work, but we all know what that truly was, nothing more than a party. They came over, because I was the one who had an apartment. Yo and I were the first ones to have our own place, our place to party and have people over anytime, day or night. The only reason these "friends" came, was because we were the cool, older kids. But where are they now? I often ask myself that.
I do get sad, I'm not going to lie. I wish I had people to hang out with. I love my best friend, he is the bomb. And I don't mean to take for granted what we share. We had a fall-out, a long time ago, but it was stupid, and our friendship won out in the end. We are stronger and more bff than ever before.
I wish I had a group of friends to be with. Tonight, I have enjoyed the apartment to myself, to a point, but in reality. I have no one to hang out with. The friends I have live in Columbus, Colorado, nearby (but studying for important exams and such), so without my roomie or my boyfriend...I sit here alone. It's almost surreal. This time alone, it's amazing, because I can write again. I haven't been able to write-write in so long. I miss it, but I don't.
I came across some old poems from the "dark ages". It's amazing to me how dark they truly were. But my writing, my God, my writing was awesome then. I don't typically toot my own horn with such things, but I feel that I wrote like the great Poe. My heart aches sometimes, when I think to what I wanted to be, a poet and an author, but that my greatest stories and inspiration came from hard times and strife, from sadness and hate. I don't live in that realm anymore, so therefore I feel my writing is not what it used to be. In essence, it is nothing.
I wish I had friends the way others do. I wish I could call someone randomly to get a drink. I wish we all went out and enjoyed each others company, but we don't. It's sad to me. I feel like I live vicariously through others. Yes, I have friends through my boyfriend, and they are wonderful. But I can't just call them and ask them to go out.
I could go on for hours, pages of text and script, a page count rivaling War and Peace, but I won't. I think I have said what I needed. Wow, this felt really good. So good, I hope I can do it again soon.
But for now, I will leave off with something I said before, we're all so busy living life, but do we ever stop to appreciate and love, what life truly is?
posted by Ill-Fated Butterfly at 9:04 PM
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