To Bleed...

Life's been crashing down on me pretty hard the past couple weeks. It's hard to explain what's going on. It's hard to specify what it is that is getting to me. The most I can say is that it's a culmination of things, things that are so far out of my control, it's almost silly to be upset by them at all...Unfortunately, I still am.

For some reason strange reason, I think I get this way every year. Same time, same things, same issues, but every year, they get harder and harder to deal with. I wish I could vent out everything that is bothering me. I wish I could scream away all the pain, the confusion, the uncertainty, but I can't. It's "put on a happy face time" and wait for it all to settle back down, wait for the cap to go back on the bottle, and pretty much just wait for it all to get back to "normal".

However, even in this time of ambiguity and senseless rambles that could drone on for hours, I can pinpoint something that is bothering me...It is so hard to please everyone! I know, I know, it's not possible to make everyone happy, but I don't buy that! For me, I feel that there is a way to make everyone happy, it's just wicked-hard and beyond a headache to do sometimes. I believe the attempts at doing that are what has caught up to me and has been dragging me back down.

I try and I try, so hard, to make everyone happy. I want to please everyone! I am so tired of being this massive failure/screw-up/whatever-you-wanna-call it! People tell me I am not, but it's hard to accept that when I feel, deep down, that I am. Maybe I am not though? Maybe I am just me being me; being the worst and most brutal critic I can be...But then why don't I change? If I am this huge f-up, and I know it, why don't I take the steps to get better and move beyond it...? I Don't Know! I wish I did! I wish I could just take all my "failures" and use them to make myself better and stronger! Go against the current and make me into the person whom I should be, not the person I have become. Does that make sense?

I don't know. What I do know is that whatever I have written in the above paragraphs is just senseless babblement, meant to do nothing more than to take a little bit of pressure off my mind. Let's hope it works. My eyes haven't been the color they should be. They have been that brownish color, the color of contemplation and "mental constipation" as I say. Maybe soon, they will get back that twinkle and sparkle. Maybe soon I will be able to purge myself of the deep and painstakingly brutal thoughts on nothing, thoughts on everything.

To bleed...No matter how small...Just to bleed...