Siblings...Oh the Pain...
It's really hard when I think about it. It seemed so much easier when I could say I didn't care or I could give a shit less what happened. But with age, there seems to be a stronger feeling or connection than there used to be. There seems to be this thing that pulls at the heart strings and just rips apart any seams that I may have.
It's tough (as time goes on) to ignore the "little" things in life. It's hard to look around and see everyone else's non-dysfunctional family and not feel a little bid of "sadness". I see my Christopher and his sister. They are almost the same age difference as my youngest brother and I, and I could only wish and pray and bargain with God to have what they have. I wish so much that I could be that close to at least one of them!!! Once upon a time, I thought that was possible. Once upon a time, I actually believed we could feel and give and just emote all the love that they have for each other. It seems that we can only pretend, that we can only be so close before we get so far. We have our moments, but then it turns into some shady personality conflict and WHAM, it's over.
I love how my life is! Don't get me wrong. My Mamma and Papa and I are beyond close, but when I think of the rest of my immediate family (i.e. my brothers) I feel so empty. I remember being little and Tommy putting me on his shoulders and running down the hill by the crab apple tree while it was raining. I remember Michael playing with me in the pool or watching Nightmare on Elm Street one Sunday morning and me walking in when Johnny Depp got smooshed by the bed and him apologizing and hugging me. I remember Chuck and I bonding on the houseboat. Anymore, the good memories are so distant, and I have nothing to fill in the gaps.
Is it my fault? Maybe. Is it their fault? Maybe. Who knows, but it's hard!!!
Was this what I really wanted to vent out? I don't think so, but it's a start...
It's tough (as time goes on) to ignore the "little" things in life. It's hard to look around and see everyone else's non-dysfunctional family and not feel a little bid of "sadness". I see my Christopher and his sister. They are almost the same age difference as my youngest brother and I, and I could only wish and pray and bargain with God to have what they have. I wish so much that I could be that close to at least one of them!!! Once upon a time, I thought that was possible. Once upon a time, I actually believed we could feel and give and just emote all the love that they have for each other. It seems that we can only pretend, that we can only be so close before we get so far. We have our moments, but then it turns into some shady personality conflict and WHAM, it's over.
I love how my life is! Don't get me wrong. My Mamma and Papa and I are beyond close, but when I think of the rest of my immediate family (i.e. my brothers) I feel so empty. I remember being little and Tommy putting me on his shoulders and running down the hill by the crab apple tree while it was raining. I remember Michael playing with me in the pool or watching Nightmare on Elm Street one Sunday morning and me walking in when Johnny Depp got smooshed by the bed and him apologizing and hugging me. I remember Chuck and I bonding on the houseboat. Anymore, the good memories are so distant, and I have nothing to fill in the gaps.
Is it my fault? Maybe. Is it their fault? Maybe. Who knows, but it's hard!!!
Was this what I really wanted to vent out? I don't think so, but it's a start...
posted by Ill-Fated Butterfly at 10:42 PM
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