Rambling Blurp

Life is an amazing thing. It's amazing not just for what it is, but for everything that it entails.

I'd always lived my life by an unwritten rule book. What I should do. What I should not. What I should say. What I should not. But being me, I love to break the rules. I love to break past the invisible barriers I erect in an attempt to find myself or who I think I am. I like the feeling of over stepping my own boundaries, only to see that the world is not flat, and I won't fall off the edge if I try to be "different".

Different, another word not uncommon to my realm. I don't think there is a normal for me, only a different version of...Well...Different. I strike the hard-core, Goth rocker, metal girl chords, only to erupt in a chorus of the opposite. I'm not saying by ANY means that I am a straight-edge, hip-hop, preppy girl, but it's amazing to me that with just a tweak from my "diff" (aka norm) I can become a totally different person.

What am I talking about? I have no idea. I'm just in a rambling mode. I was trying to write out some stuff I wrote for a certain someone, but every time I look at it on paper not from my notebook, it looks so silly. Yet when I open up my notebook and re-read, it sounds the way I mean it. Could it be that Yo is right? I need to stop being scared to share my work(s) with the world? Quite possibly.

So yea. I dunno. But like I say, the things that are thrown at you in life are like falling stars...They always end up where they're meant to.

The pain of beauty...

I'm going on vacation next week and meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time, so I want to look my best! I go running a couple miles every morning, try to eat REALLY healthy all day, and then decided to take care of my root problem with my hair. I went to get my highlights touched up tonight. Corey, my friend who graduated from the school I normally go to, wasn't able to do them before I leave for vacation, so I opted to go back to the school and try someone new. That was NOT a smart idea.

The girl wasn't not nice, but she also wasn't that easy to talk to. I tried to explain what I wanted, and she seemed to understand, but kept babbling about what she thought would look good. Then she pulled over another girl who is "the best" at doing the lights...Yea. I guess they aren't bad if you WANT to be blonde, but I told her I didn't want them uber light! So they dyed them, assuring me that it'd look cool...I'M A BLONDE?!!

I am so upset, I cried when I got home. I feel so nasty. I feel like I look like shit. It's horrible! I know it's not the end of the world, but I can't help it! All I want to do is scream! I don't know when I'm safe to do touch-ups, but I have to call tomorrow morning to find out when, because I can't live like this! I feel like such a traitor to myself. I look valley! TOTALLY not me!! I said I liked the lighter colors, but that's it! I never said I wanted to go all out!!!

So yes, I am in a wretched mood and just want to stay in bed all day tomorrow. Arch!!!

2 Things

All I ever wanted was to find someone who likes me for me. Likes me for the person I am, even for the person hiding behind the mask. To be loved for being me, not for the things I could do for them or "hook-ups" I could get them. I'm a lucky one. Taking a random chance and following my heart, I found someone (or he found me or fate hooked us up or something), and I couldn't be happier. And as much of a goober as that makes me out to be, I don't care...It's the truth.

I know I've been gradually changing, stepping out of the world of black into a world...Of color! Yes, I know it goes against all my morals and my beliefs, but in a strange way, it's almost like a deep breath or sigh. It's sometimes nice to not have to be "myself" for a little while. Mind you, I still love, and always will love, wearing black, but this color thing isn't too horrendous. I mean, at times I feel like I'm being a traitor to myself and that I look stupid or silly, but sometimes I really feel good. I guess I'm so used to my concert tee's and jeans, that when I try to be "cute" I feel like I look funny. It's like seeing the girls walking around downtown or at the clubs who just look like they're trying too hard to be cool...I don't ever want to be like that. If anything, I just want to fit in. (I can't believe I just wrote that, but I did).

So yea, on that scary note. I think it's time for my conclusion. Sadly, nothing too profound or deep is coming to my mind. I guess I shall end it with a line from one of my most recent poems (Maybe I will post it one night when I fell compelled to do so, maybe not, guess we shall just have to see, but I think it sums up what I'm feeling most on a day-to-day basis)...So here it is...

Lost in his eyes, found in his heart...

Quick Blurp

Lost in his eyes, but found in his heart...

I am enamored. What else can I say? I am just absolutely enamored by him...

It's so nice not having to be a different person. It's so nice not having to try to act a certain way or dress a certain way or talk a certain way. I love the fact that I can just be myself around him, and that no matter what, it doesn't alter his opinion of me! He feels the same way about me that I do about him...Double-bonus!

I really don't know what else to say, but this is a good starting point for more of what's to come...

Whatever happened to "that" girl?

Ok, so I feel a little better than I did last night. I would have removed the prior post, but I figure, I wrote it for a reason, might as well leave it. But in addition to it, I ponder to myself, do I care too much? Do I really read into things too much? I have been told that I do on numerous occasions, but I think it's finally sinking in. I can't help it, I'm passionate over thoughts...But maybe too much? My theory on it is that when whatever "it" is (that makes my mind go into critical meltdown mode) concerns someone I care about or deals with and issue that is big to me, that is when my mind starts going...But there are so many things that it happens with, which then takes me back to caring too much...Strange, bizarre, peculiar even! I dunno.

Today, I feel strange. Friends came over last night to hang out (and we were supposed to go to a party but that fell through when all the drama began). A guy who recently left work came over for a while, and it was nice to see him, but he said something that made me start thinking..."What happened to the girl we used to know." That was pretty much the statement he made to me on his way out. I kinda question, what did happen to that girl.

He asked what happened to the crazy-Goth-vampire chic who hated people and had a great disdain for the "typical" stuff in life. I mean, I can see a change. I know that I'm not the dark, dreary, "scary" girl I was when I started working downtown, but is that really a bad thing? Is it bad for me to be silly or cutesy or sweet? I don't think it is, but it was strange to hear it from someone else's mouth. Did I really make that drastic of a change, and if so, was it that bad?

I like the way I am now. I will admit, sometimes I feel weird or odder than normal because I actually smile a real smile and laugh a real laugh, but...Yea, I just dunno. I'm happy with the way things are. I'm happy with the way my life has taken shape. The man I am with, the friends that I have, all of the above amount to me being one happy camper. I think the change was pretty big, but it's cool. I guess it's kinda nice not having to be a "hard-ass" 24/7. It's nice to be accepted without having to have the facade of a mucho tough girl (it does pain me to admit that though, LOL).

Argh to "Confusion"

So silly, so little, so trite...Yet it still stings?! What's up with that. I know that we are all human. I am not ashamed to admit that I have done things, not done things, said things, not said things, that made me feel strange or not 100%. I've done things I am not proud of, but I did them and I learned from them. I guess my biggest issue is...Well, I don't know what my biggest issue is at the moment. I think I'm just really confused and need a little clarification to make the feelings of uneasiness go away.

Uneasy, is that the word I was going for? I dunno. I'm tired and a little tipsy and there is just so much that I want to say but, as usual, don't know how to say it/them. I just needed to vent out a little bit, get a little bit of release so I can sleep a little easier. Everything will be clarified in the morning, and if not, they will sooner than later. It's probably stupid of me to be upset, but I am. Confusion will do that to a person. And in the end, I probably wont be confused at all. I will have made a mountain out of a mole hill and I will look back and giggle at how silly I can be.

That's me...So silly, such a goober. I can't help it. That's just me.