So this it what it feels like to SUCK!

It really hurt when I was bitch slapped with the realization that the things I learned in school help for NOTHING in the real-world workplace. What do I mean you may ask...Well, it comes down to this...I don't know ANYTHING about ANYTHING!

You want to know what Sonnet number was the "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day"? I got your back. You want to know random, pointless shit about authors or poets? What Edgar Allan Poe's last food consumed was? How many times Sylvia Plath tried to kill herself before she was successful? I got you covered...Yet NONE OF THAT helps me in my job. Maybe that's why I can't really move into any other fields at the moment, because I don't know enough to get me through it. I don't know shit about the inner workings of my company, let alone how to help half the people when they need something, because I never learned that at school. I'm a quick study, but I never get the opportunity to learn. I know things not many people do, but that's not going to help me amount to too much more than I already am.

I look around, "eating some popcorn and watching the movie" if you will, and feel like I don't amount to anything. I know useless, meaningless dribble. I'm not trying to be conceited, but I kick ass at what I do. I'm great with people. I kick ass at retail. I'm awesome at the things I don't want to do or be forever! So what do I do? I can't afford (both literally and metaphorically), to take chances and gamble with my life. I wish I could. I wish I had known then, a little bit of what I know now, so I could have better prepared myself for this "real world".

Have I really amounted to the failure I always strived not to be? Sure as hell seems like it. Oh wow, I got a degree. Go me! Like it means anything these days. Yes, I know my job isn't high ranked. Yes, I know that I have a "lowly" position, but I don't need to be belittled about it. You don't think it crosses my mind every day that I spent 5 years in school to amount to something pretty much anybody could do?! Well, it does. Every fucking day it does!

(*Sigh* I really needed this vent)

Weird Things in Life

I wore color to work! Yes! I did! Ok, so I wore black under it, but I still wore color! It was scary! I got crazy with the cheese whiz, went for it and WHAM, there I was. This is just the tip of the "weirdness iceberg" that is enveloping my life at the moment. (Mind you when I say weird, I don't mean weird in a bad way, just plain old weird. Strange, bizarre, peculiar even.)

I've been having dreams about people that are coming true. The dream doesn't necessarily have the person in them, but when I wake up, I know EXACTLY who it's about. I told a friend about one that I had last week and everything I told him to beware of, and the things I told him he needs to do came true or happened! It's spooky! There's a few that I know are about me, but I haven't gotten the courage to balls-up and make them a reality...Maybe sooner than later, but when it comes to personal matters, sometimes I'm just an old-fashioned kinda girl I guess. We shall see though...

Happiness. Happiness is something (not to sound morbose or silly) that I never really thought was able to be fully felt, because whenever there'd be a great high, I knew a low was soon to follow. I'd live by the phrase "Pain doesn't hurt when it's the only thing you've ever felt," because I was always upset or hating some aspect of my life. I'm not going to lie and say that life is candy canes and lollipops all the time, but in retrospect, it's not always thorny roses and bleeding hearts. When you take a look at the grand scheme of things, you see that not everything is life altering/threatening, a good portion of them are nothing more than mere speed bumps.

Life is good. I have a best friend/brother who is my total BFF for life, a boyfriend I care about sooo much more than he knows, friends that I would give the world to if I could, awesome parents that I would do anything for... YEAH! I smile a lot more than I ever have before, a real smile, a true smile...Life is good.

I think this is the girliest POS I have ever written

This is sad and very hard for me to admit because I don't usually stoop to the level of the "girlie-girl", but at this stage in time, I feel as though my supposed impervious shell towards trendiness may have a slight hair-line fracture.

Lately, I have succumbed to standing in my hallway, both closet doors wide open, staring aimlessly into a crevasse of black and red clothing. I close the doors, take a step back, then re-open them and pray, as if by some form of fashion magic, I will have a bountiful array of new clothes or outfits. Sadly, such magic does not exist in the realm that I abide in, and I wind up screaming in my mind (and or out loud) "I have nothing to wear!"

I remember the "good ole days" where I would throw on a pair of jeans or shorts, sandals or shitkickers and a hoodie or concert t-shirt and be done with it. But it seems that with age, I am slowly giving in to the fashion industry, to the magazines and trends that are "hip" at the moment. Mind you, I don't go out and buy what is wicked trendy or hip (partly because I can't afford such extravagance and partly because a LOT of what is supposedly "cool" is butt-ugly and I wouldn't be caught dead in it), but there's a piece of me that wishes I could pull it off. No, I am not conforming, I think I am just expanding my horizons slowly, and it's beginning with clothing.

Why is this affecting my thinking so much right now? I think it's because I feel like I don't fit in when I go out. I've been told "you look uncomfortable," or, "you look scared," while out on the town. I will admit, seeing the gaggles of sequin-studded, bare-belly showing, "apple-bottom jeans" wearing, over-giggly girlie-girls, DOES bother me, but I think it's just because I never got into such things. I was never involved in such a group, because 90% of my friends are guys, and as long as I looked cute and knew sports, I was golden. Hell, even at sporting events, chics doll-up in bootie-shorts, cute tanks, skirts and the ever popular toe-raping flipflops. It's a freaking game!!! The issues begin to wear me down when I actually take a look around and compare myself to them...Prom queen vs. Freaky girl next door.

I think I'm really just scared to give in to the "normal" stuff that revolves around today. It's a slippery-slope, and I really don't want to tumble down it and get stuck in a rut or be a traitor to myself. It might just be me going through yet another patch of "who am I" syndrome. I'm just trying to find a happy medium between making someone proud to be seen with me without giving up my sense of self/style, but also not conforming to the standards that society lays down exemplifying what is "trendy" and what is "soooo not".