Living My Nightmare

There's nothing worse than waking up from a bad dream only to realize you're living the nightmare.

Is this my life? Really? Is this really where my life is going and where it's leading to? I don't get it. I mean, not to go dramatic, because God knows there are people worse off than me. There are people who are going through/have gone through worse things than what I am going through. But right now, I will go melodramatic "oh woe is me" and ask WHY ME?!?!?!

I'm so confused right now. I'm so lost. And the sad thing is there's nowhere I can turn and nothing I can do to fix what needs fixed. All my life, I've been able to go to and depend on my family and friends to help me, but now, this is something I need to figure out on my own. And that is one of the scariest feelings in the whole world.

I feel so alone. So scared. So confused. So lost. I'm stuck in this state of limbo and I'm not sure what the right move is. It's hard because only I know what is right. So opinions and thoughts and outsider "options" are appreciated, but again, only I can decide what to do, where to go, what is right, what is wrong.

My heart hurts. My head hurts. How does one do what is "right" when it feels so wrong?? How does one stay strong when they want to be weak? I don't know. I don't know what's up or done. I don't know what's left or right. I don't know what's acceptable or not acceptable. The hardest part is knowing that I am the only one who can decide. Only I am the one who can make those calls.

Here we go...On the Cliff's Edge...yet again.

Dafuq???

Well. My day has taken a turn for the WTF. Definitely had no idea this is the direction it was heading, but WOW. We're talking massive game-changer. I don't know quite how to feel. I'm extremely confused. I've honestly never felt this confused in my entire life. Head vs Heart. They should balance out and play nice together, but they're not. They're going back and forth and back and forth. And it's driving me nuts.

I said I would be strong. I said I would not back down (again) and I'm not. But it's tough. Because there is no easy answer. There is no simple solution. There is nothing that will make everything be all better. I just don't know.

Am I?

Am I that vile? Am I that much of a horrible person? Am I that evil of a creature...? All of a sudden, the questions and thoughts start to sink in.

I apologized for being jealous. I apologized for being mean. I apologized for being, as some called, "mean." But does it matter? Has it fallen upon deaf ears?

The hardest part of my night is knowing that the I cannot answer these questions. I don't know that there are answers. It's more a random thought that crossed my mind while I had a few seconds to think to myself.

I think back to a year ago, and how many things were different...How many things are the same. The same in that they are what they are now...I just didn't know. So strange. Such a quandry. Such is my life...