The trouble with love is...

It never goes away. Which is good when it's right and meant to be...but bad when it's just not.

Even when it should, love never really, truly ends. There's always a feeling, a passing thought, a glimmer of hope that it could work...when it really should just be a past thought. And there are those nights, those moments when you look through pictures, catch a whiff of that special cologne, have a random memory that brings a smile to your face, that gets the mind racing and really starts screwing with your head.

The trouble with love is...it clouds reality (and at times) your perception of reality. If you really love someone, even if you end the relationship and it should be over and done with, there are always those instances where you get into a make believe mindset and everything feels like it should be OK, like it could be OK if you give it another shot...but that is so far from the truth. And realizing it makes you feel like you're falling into oblivion and your body tenses just waiting to hit the ground. Unfortunately, many times you just keep falling, and never lose that feeling of tension...which causes your thoughts of what if, your thoughts of the past and the good times to overtake everything you know and believe and just make you lay there at night...thinking, pondering, wondering, wishing...

Tryin' to apply this to my life...

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, missundaztood
Miss "no way it's all good"
It didn't slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I'm still around...

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fuckin' perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me

You're so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred

Such a tired game
It's enough
I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
See you same

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fuckin' perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing

You're fuckin' perfect to me
The world stares while I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and I tried tried
But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they're everywhere
They don't like my genes, they don't get my hair
Stringe ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?

Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less then, fuckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing you're fuckin' perfect, to me
You're perfect
You're perfect
Pretty, pretty please don't you ever ever feel like you're less then, fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel like you're nothing you're fucking perfect to me

That "not so right" feeling...

Do you ever get the feeling like there's something wrong with you? Wrong like you're just not right? I really don't know how else to explain it. It's just one of those feelings where you question everything about yourself, your morals and your beliefs...*sigh*

Weird...

I was just talking to a friend today and mentioned how this year just flew by...then all of a sudden I was overcome and overwhelmed by this feeling/thought...For most of our younger years we wish away life and urge time to hurry up...but then something big happens in your life, and you just want it to slow down because you don't want it rushing away...you realize that there is no immortality. I mean we all know there is none...but when you 100% understand and realize it...well, that's a reality check that totally bitch slaps you in the face.

This is not happening...right?

I've never been so scared in my entire life. This CANNOT be happening. It just simply can't!!!!

I've never felt such fear in my life. I would do anything in the world, ANYTHING to make this go right. I've been bargaining with God and I'm just scared he's not listening. This isn't about me, not whatsoever, but a part of me can't help but wonder if this is his way of getting back at me? For something I did? Why hurt the source when you can CRUSH THEM by going after the people who mean the most to them??

I know it's ridiculous. I know he's going to be ok. He's strong. He's tough. And he WILL be ok...I just don't know how to be strong. I don't know how to be in this situation. I'm trying, but I am in such a haze. I just want to be there, but I know I need to keep strong and keep my life headed in good directions...

Seriously, this all feels like a dream. It's not real. It's surreal. It's just a bad dream, right?

Fade to black

And so it begins again. Another cycle that needs to be broken. Another feeling that needs to subside. This life we lead is crazy. At times it makes sense. At others, none at all. But such is life. One bad dream after another. One wonderful nightmare after another. It is what it is...if I only could comprehend and accept what "it" was...