Weeeeeeird Party

Wow, another year, another party. But this year was strange. It was just a very odd vibe. I don't know if we got too drunk too early? If there weren't enough "young" people here (seeing as how 15 people who said they'd be here did NOT show). If friends were skating the line a bit on friendliness? I don't know, but it was almost a bit sad. Not to say I didn't have fun...but it just wasn't FUN.

I hate saying that, because I loved all the people who were over, but it was almost disheartening to an extent. Is this really what it's gonna become? Halloween is my ALL TIME FAVORITE HOLIDAY EVER...and it just felt like a "let down" this year. I hate sounding like a whiny bitch or like I'm beating a dead horse, but it just wasn't lively. It wasn't crazy. Some people were annoying. Others mackin' it. Others sad...I dunno. Just kinda a rough night (for reasons unknown to all).

So I dunno. Can't dwell on it. Because everyone DID have a great time. The neighbors said I breathed life into the street again. The rents all loved it. I guess it was just a totally different experience than last year. Maybe because I didn't have someone-someone there? Maybe because it just wasn't a younger crowd? Who knows...guess it's just a part of life, eh?

Re-Eval? But what...

I'm not sure what I want to write about tonight. All I know is I feel I want to write about something. Hmmmmm.

Every so often, I get this weird reality gut-check where I feel a serious re-evaluation of life needs to be done. This time, I'm not sure (exactly) what it is though. Career? Love life (or lack thereof)? Monetary? Static life? Who knows? I just feel like I'm in need of something.

Song of my life....again?

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me

Hello Conscience...

Wow. Totally had a night of just insanity. IN-FUCKIN-SANITY!!!!!!

Ok, not the whole night. Just part of the night. A whirlwind of just...just....

Hello conscience. Hello thing which makes me feel an unrelenting woosh of guilt. The thing that made me reconsider a decision and try and reverse it as quickly as humanly possible. That thing which is annoying the shit out of me right now because I'm like wuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?!?!?!?!

Maturity is fucking crazy. The thought that I am MATURE. Even crazier! I just. I dunno. I can't believe any of this.

Am I really this grown up? Not to say I didn't think I learned my lessons, but really!?!? WOW. I hate to sound conceited but I am just in total awe of myself right now...Did I really just do that? I think it did. I think it really did...wow...

Memory Flood Gate Has Opened

I hate it when you're somewhere and something triggers a memory or old feeling and WHAM, you're rushed down the rapids of emotion faster than you can think to stop yourself.

I was walking around work tonight and a scent triggered a memory of last year at this time. Yes, I know, it was right at the time I started dating Crazy Beans...but it was such a fun, new, exciting time! I started getting that ache of wanting it back (it as in the excitement, not it as in the crazy, lol). Then it was like a million other thoughts flooded back. Just the little things...

It's nice to remember, but sometimes it makes my heart hurt a bit. I hate to go all girlie dramatic, but what can't I meet someone I DON'T work with? That's what's always been the issue, date someone you work with and if things go wrong, things get weird.

But whatever, I missed having that feeling of excitement in my day-to-day goings. I'm trying to get out there more instead of sitting at home--even if it means walking around Home Depot or random stores. But so far, no bites. No glances. No nada. Oh, and maybe there's no one there too, hehehe.

Anywho, yea. I like remembering the good times, I just hate when the good times outshine the bad and then they get me sad :-(