Getting back on track

Ok. I seriously need to get back on track. I feel so totally gross right now. All I've been doing the past couple weeks is eating and drinking. And while that may have been A-OK for the Romans to do on Spartacus: Gods of the Arena...it's not so good for an everyday kinda person. :-/ BAH!

Oh well. At least I know I am in a better position than I was last year at this time. So that's a plus.

I started a new workout program. And I do REALLY like it. I just don't know if it's gonna do the trick. I do sweat during the workout, but I don't feel the burn :-( I had toyed with the idea of attempting Insanity...even if just for a month...but I don't even know if that's an option for me (knowing how my mind works with exercise, lol).

I guess we shall see. Just need to hunker-down and get with the program. Stop making excuses and just DO IT. *Knock on wood* there is no more drama for me to hide behind...let's hope it stays that way!

I think I need a time-out

I am so ready for a reprieve. I am in desperate need of one of those. I've been having crazy dreams lately. My eating habits are all messed up. My sleeping patterns are not "normal" anymore. I've been very sad lately. It's just been a crazy year thus far.

I could really use a hike up the mountain for enlightenment--or like my dad tells me, I just need to go to church on a Sunday, lol. I know he's right. It's a horrible excuse, but Sundays are the one day I can potentially sleep in. And I know I shouldn't use that as my reason as why I can't go...but I do. I'm a bad catholic.

Lucky for me no word from Crazy Beans. It's bittersweet--yes, I am stupid girl on occasion. I still hear songs and think about him. My cousin made the good point, we as females want to be the one to do the full rejection...we don't want to be the ones rejected (even if we know the no-contact policy is the best thing). But he got his transfer which I am extremely happy about. It will make work a bit easier to deal with.

Oh crap. I need to figure out what I'm giving up for Lent. I tried the whole no-drinking thing before...hehehe. Yea right. That shit didn't work. Yes, again, I sucked as a catholic and just didn't want to give up something hard. I could attempt cheese. Now THAT would be difficult, lol. I kinda want to challenge myself, but don't know with what. Hehehe. I have like a week and a half to figure it out.

Guess that's about it. Just felt like babbling.

LIFE!

Once upon a time, there was a girl who wasn't afraid of the what if, she was afraid of the what could be.

She lived her life according to what she feared the most, but prided herself on triumphing the uncertainty. She never stopped to look forward, nor did she stop herself from looking back. She took pride in that which what was, what is, and what possibly could be.

And that girl is here. Ready to take on the world. Ready to gain back the independence she once felt, the independence she what believed to be. And here she stands, ready to take on anew and be all that she can be...

It takes a moment to realize self...it takes another moment to realize the potential and possibilities that lie within...and it takes but a moment to fully accept, understand and realize the importance in knowing that life is but a fleeting moment, and everything from therein is but a dream we must make a reality.

I'm sad. Haven't been in a long, long time. But I really, truly am just all-around sad.

Maybe One Day?

I know I'm just tired and feeling a bit under the weather (which makes me a bit more emotional than usual) but I just don't get it. I'm not trying to rush life or love, but why can't I find that right person? Why do I keep finding the psychos or the ones who just don't care?

What brought this up? One of my friends who has been dating a girl for a few months just bought a house with her. Then I find out while they were at Disney they got engaged. As Dane Cook would say..."I WANT THAT!! WHY NOT ME?!?!" I dunno. Sometimes I think life has a funny sense of humor, one that I do not understand at all.

Crazy Beans!

So yea. He is a total crazy beans. I am SO happy to be done with him. I just really hope he leaves me the hell alone. Won't know for another week though...until he returns from warrior training. Yea...saying some massive prayers, lol.

I don't think he'd do anything. I really don't. But of course, I realize I don't know him like I thought I did. Sweet Jesus, this is like Mike2.0. NOT COOL. How do I find all these winners?!

I'm very much annoyed at how much he's trying to get that last "dig" in there and make me feel like crap. Sorry to burst your bubble, buddy, it's not working. I'm not letting the guilt trips, the manipulation, the condescending and mean words get to me. Because he is an asshole. And that's all there is to it.

Oh well, at least I am in a better place now than I was when the original psycho started his bullshit.

Living la vida single!

I've said it many times before and I will say it again, life is a crazy thing. It's amazing how someone can make you believe one thing, then you find out it was just a facade. I'm glad I found out early on though. I kinda missed being single, I won't lie. It was nice to have someone again--someone who cared for me, loved me "unconditionally," bought me nice things, just wanted to be with me...But I also realized he was trying to jeopardize all of my time and life. Not cool.

So here we go again. Back on the market. I hate to say I'm not that upset. Because yes, I did love him. And yes, I did shed some tears. But I know I couldn't live the rest of my life the way we were living/acting. Seriously, the first couple weeks back were AWESOME and THAT man, and the way he was acting WAS what I wanted. But then the real him came back...and he just wasn't for me.

I also didn't enjoy the manipulation. Even after the breakup, in his emails, he tried turning everything on me. "I'd never hurt you like this" or "you're cold" etc. Whatever though, it's better off this way.

And so it is...again. Back to the drawing board. Hehehehe.