Part-time job plus

So I just realized that this part-time job is a blessing in the fact that it's reconditioning me to having a life-life.

I haven't worked out in a week...and I don't care. I like sleeping in. I also get a good workout from running up and down a ladder at work2.0. But still, I don't feel too bad about it.

I kind of like gauging life by the hours of awakeness...I also like kinda allotting 5 hours of sleep to an average day...yet I hate it. Maybe it's the Gemini in me that wants to get on a schedule....while most Gemini's are crazy no-schedulers...this Gemini likes to have shit figured out.

Anywho, the point of this post was just to accept that there's more to life than the ultimately having a set of guidelines or rules to live by.

Nostalgic Throwback

So of course this song pops up in my Jango today...and I couldn't help but get caught in a flood of memories...

My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me.

All about the craziness of life...

Sooooo I was feeling pretty damn headstrong, then today hit, and I'm not so sure anymore. I know I can't let what other people say influence me. I know I shouldn't let that little "what if" voice in my head take control of everything. But I don't think I can help it. I mean, that's just me. And I know giving in is how I get into trouble...But is it worth it?

I said I'd never do it again. I said I learned my lesson...one too many times. But did I really? Or did things just not work out the way I had hoped and I had to blame it (if not fully, partly) on something aside from what was really do blame? Wow. I am being pretty damn vague, eh?

Oh I don't know. I don't know anymore. I dig being single. I really do. It's kinda nice not having to answer to anyone. It's kind of nice to think of myself first and foremost. But I do miss having someone. I do miss having that shoulder/chest to sleep on. I miss having that person to say good night to, or look forward to saying good morning to. But am I ready for a new relationship? As much as I'm all about preaching about getting back on the horse, could I actually do it if the opportunity presented itself?

I don't know. Working damage control for a friend who was upset to find out her ex-boyfriend was dating someone made me start wondering. I always said the break-up would fully hit me when I found out he was dating again. I had a dream he was dating someone from work. If it was true...how would I feel? But this is not about him. It's about me. It's about the possibilities (maybe) that lay before me.

*Sigh* Ohhh life. How great thou art!

The riddle of life...

They say "c'est la vie". They say "que sera". They say "to each his own". They say "ohhhh well". They say "don't sweat the small stuff". But who is they? And how the hell do "they" know so much??

Life is a crazy ball of wax. Ever changing. Ever morphing. Ever becoming that which is and that which is not.

I don't know what to think anymore. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could write the book of life. I wish I had such knowledge that would alleviate all doubt. But I don't.

But do any of us, really? I mean, we each add our own piece to the puzzle, but do any of us ever really have the piece to complete it?

I think that in our quest to complete it, we end up making it a never-ending mystery. And life is just that, a riddle, an enigma. One which has no definitive answer. One which just when you think you have it figured out, you realize there's a new level, one that's even more difficult than the last. And we're forced to keep trying to solve it.

So is there an answer? Is there really something or someone that can solve the mysteries? Or should we just stop trying and then MAYBE the universe would send us the answer? Maybe that is the answer...stop trying and all would be revealed.

Hehehehe. Good luck with that!

Ohh Crazy Night

Ohhh this life I lead. It's insane...like me. Hehehe.

I kinda hate being the "life of the wedding" girl. Lol. This morning was definitely a face-palm morning. One where immediately upon waking I got that ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh goddddddddddddddddd how bad was I last night. LOL. The bride called me this morning thanking me for being a part of the festivities and to say that she's sure no one will forget me and that I was such crazy-fun, she couldn't believe it. HA!!...oh dear, lol.

I don't want to see video. I have enough pictures (many, quite unflattering). I just don't want to be too overly embarrassed, lol. But it was all in good fun. And everyone had a good time. And that's what matters most.

It was kinda crazy because I was part of a Russian tradition where I helped the bride get ready while sitting on a pillow, then I sat on the pillow, and supposedly the bride vibes are supposed to come into me and I'll be getting married soon/find the man I'm going to marry. THEN at the reception, I caught the bouquet!!! Holy crap that was nuts.

So much happened last night...so, so much. Insanity! Oof

Gooooooooooooood

Well, I'm back on the upswing of loving life. Though there are many uncertainties, many HMMMMMMs and many WTFs, it's pretty damn good. I can't complain about too much (and the stuff I can complain about isn't worth bringing down the good mood).

So I'm just gonna run with how I'm feeling right now. Perhaps I'm just excited that I have a 3-day, action-packed weekend of fun planned? Perhaps I'm just finally accepting of that which is my life? Perhaps it's because of the full moon? I really don't care what it is, I'm just glad I feel this way :-)

Why not me?

I hate to sound whiney. I hate to sound ungrateful for the life I have (which I love). But I can't help but wonder why not me?!

I found out tonight that my ex-fiance is due with his first child in February...He's happily married and now has a kid on the way...Why can't I have that? Mind you, when I say this, I do want to be happily married before I get preggers, but that's my point.

I at times feel like I'm being punished for my past indisgretions, like the way I was in my early 20s is totally effecting the outcome of my futre. And I know that's stupid and silly, but it's true. And what makes things doubly harder is that I'm cool with life right now! I mean, I never thought I would, but I dig being on my own. I dig having my own time to do whatever.

However, a tough thing I keep coming into contact with is that EVERY guy that seems to like me is either divorced with kids or just has kids. And while that shouldn't matter, it kind of does. I hate to sound this way, but I want a guy who can give me his everything. I want a guy who has me as his own, his one and only. I don't want to have to "compete" with others to fully have someone. I did that WAY too long, and the competition wasn't even his children! It was his family! NOT COOL!

I dunno. I'm happy for the ex and his baby-on-the-way, but it still kind of stings, because the biggest thing I hope, pray and wish for in my life, is to be happy...with someone who truly loves me...and to start a family...

I really hope it happens one day, one day soon...And again, I don't want to sound like I'm ungrateful or don't appreciate where I am today. Because I LOVE my life...I just want that extra piece to complete me...

Life Update

I'm not sure what I feel like writing. I just felt like writing something. Life has been pretty crazy awesome lately. On a girlie not, I went shopping for a dress for a wedding I'm going to next Friday and wound up buying 5 because they ALL looked perfect. I ended up keeping 2 of them (always good to have a couple black dresses). I wish I could have kept all of them. I felt like a movie star :-) Will be getting my hair done-up and am taking a friend as my date. It will be good times!

I picked up a 2nd job (part-time). So that's a mega plus. I could use the money. I just hope I can handle working as much as I'm about to. I'll be pulling probably 60-70 hours (total) per week. Doesn't leave much socializing, sleeping or workout time, but I should be OK. It'll be like the days of yore (college).

Life is good!

That is all :-)

Confusion = Blech

Ohh so confused as to why I'm confused about being confused! I know why I'm confused. One of my bestests helped me reach that realization. It's now just a matter of dealing with it.

There's a fine line between a friendship and something more. There's another fine line between something more and something MORE. Now it's just figuring out how to not cross either of the lines...or which of the lines to cross? Or if I really want to know what would happen should either of the lines be crossed. God, I'm talking myself in circles.

I have no idea what I'm talking about. I should probably quit while I'm ahead...and before I get myself even more confusified.

Call me a sap....

I have no idea when it happened...but I have totally turned into a sap for a select few lovey-dovey movies. Take Titanic for instance...yea, I saw it in the theater like 3 times when I was in high school, but anymore it is definitely one of my go-to movies when I want to feel the warm fuzzies (no homo).

Life may not always (if ever) end up like a fairy tale or love story, but I'm content believing in the possibility. I've always had an idealistic POV. Realism was never really my cup-o-tea (except when it was ABSOLUTELY necessary). So why can't/shouldn't I have faith in the possibility that my life will take a fairy tale turn? Why shouldn't I believe that maybe one day my prince will come?

I dunno. Maybe the storyline behind Titanic just calls to me. Maybe there's that certain element of should/shouldn't be that just tugs on my heartstrings. I really don't care to question it too much. I guess I just need to keep on hoping that one day, my fairy tale/love story will begin...and go down in the books as one of the best :-)