Just DO IT

I'm so tired of being jealous of other people's relationships. Of seeing posts on Facebook like "Hanging with my baby tonight" or "Can't wait to see my love later." I can't help but feel jealous because I don't have that. I don't know what else to say or do, because I'm doing everything I can do.

I just don't feel special. And whether or not that is true, I don't know, but I don't feel it. And yea, I know I talked to him and told him that we need to be honest with each other, but it sucks having to ASK for compliments. It sucks having to ask to be made a "big deal of". It SUCKS to feel like I just don't matter an ounce because there are other things that are much more important to him. And I hate saying that, I hate having to admit it, but I can't help it!!!

I don't want to have to ask for this kind of shit because it's not something that's meant to be asked of. I don't want to ask for flowers because he should get them for me JUST BECAUSE. I've gotten more "just because" cards from my friends than I ever have from him...and that makes me sad. Yea, I know he loves me, but sometimes I just can't help but wonder if it will always be that way???

Open car doors for me! Buy me flowers! Send me random cards! Do little things to make me feel special! PLEASE!!!!! I just don't want to have to ask for this....again...because I've asked too many times before and I'm tired of it.

People these days...

Wow. So life really is a crazy ball of wax. Like totally crazy. I'm not sure what to think about anything anymore. I felt like I knew where I was going with my life, like I knew the exact career path, what direction to go, where my like was headed, but anymore, it seems so off.

I think I'm really starting to see people for who they are. I was told once before that "people don't change, no matter how much you want them to." While that may be true for some people, I didn't feel like that was true for everyone, now I'm kinda going back and forth between it. I feel like while people can change, it's not always for the long run.

It's quite bothersome. I think it's quite more bothersome (did that make sense?) when I realize that people really aren't changing for the better, they're changing for the temporary, to appease another person...That's a massive bummer. Because I would love to actually feel like I could get a good enough read on people to feel more comfortable and like I actually had a clue what the hell was going on.

Man. I'm making no sense tonight. Oof!

Do You?

I can't help but wonder if you ever wonder.
Wonder what if?
When you think of me, do you think of me the way I think of you?
Do you still feel the same way...
the way you felt the first time you said you love me?
Why do I feel so enveloped in mystery?
Like I don't know what to think or what to do?
Do you remember that one time...we talked?
That one time...we laughed?
That one time that I can't help forget,
and I pray that you'll never forget either?
I'm so confused anymore.
And why, I don't know, but I am.
I talk myself in circles.
I dream myself into oblivion.
And I can't help but wonder,
if you ever wonder...

Life?

It's happening again, and that scares the shit out of me.

It all hurts

It's hard to take the leap when you have no idea what you're leaping to. That's where I'm stuck right now. I know something needs to be done, but I don't know what. I know something needs to be said, but I can't find my voice. I know something needs to give, but I can't figure out what it is.

Or maybe I'm just too scared to actually admit that I know it all, I'm just unwilling to make a move on any of it.

Life is totally taking a huge toll on me. I don't know if it's the time of the year, having cabin fever, wanting to take a break but not really having anywhere to break to, I have no clue. I just feel like there's this heavy-ass weight of the world sitting right on my shoulders.

It hurts to smile. That's not good. I almost feel like taking life one day at a time is what is hurting me. Maybe because it's making me realize what my life is lacking? What my life needs? What changes need to happen for me to get back to that happy point I used to be at?

OOF. This sucks some serious ass, believe you me. And I don't know what to do. I fear opening my mouth too much because I tend to have a loose tongue and not use caution when I vent. That could be dangerous. On the other hand, it could be a blessing.

In wine there is truth...I need to work on getting to the truth without the wine part though.