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Why do I feel so sad? I don't know. I seriously hate this feeling. I'm not sad-sad, just not feeling smiley or social. And that seriously sucks. I don't mean to blow off friends, but I really just don't feel like talking. I don't feeling "OMG'ing" and making small talk and just catching up. I just want to sit here, get lost in my own little world and stay lost for a while. Yes, that would be the life.

I tried writing last night...poetry...but I seemed to have lost my fire. I wish I still had it, and maybe I do, but it is definitely being locked away somewhere. I said it before, that I used to do my best writings when in stages of emotional decay and turbulence, and I am not in a stage like that, nor have I been for many moons. And I don't want to be in a stage like that ever again...WTF is wrong with me!?

Maybe I just need a good cry. A good cry to wash out everything. That might be the key. Too bad it's not gonna happen for a while...Who knows when or if it will happen...*Sigh* I wish I had a clue what was going on with this ole head of mine. I really think I need to just get lost in my mind for a while, and then maybe I will see what is beneath the surface that is bogging me down, haunting my thoughts and eating away at my soul.

Christmas just isn't Christmas...

Ya know, this just doesn't feel like Christmas to me. There was this whole excited build-up, and now that it's here...It just doesn't feel like what it was meant to.

I know I need to live for the now and enjoy the now and everyone I am with. Just because I "didn't get my way" doesn't mean I have to sulk and drown in my sadness. But it's tough not to, ya know? The one thing I wanted for Christmas and wished for for Christmas and was told would happen for Christmas, I got word back a couple weeks ago that it wouldn't happen. I guess maybe that triggered my anti-holiday sentiment. Which is silly, I know... It's just *sigh*.

I feel like I am being me-me-me. Which isn't cool. And I feel like a spoiled brat for it. But I'm not! I am so schitzo with my thoughts. It's like the inner war is waging...yet again.

Oh well. Can't change anything. No matter how much I wish I could. So I will just enjoy the time we have now and not let the rest get me down. As Browns fans say, there's always next year. And next year, what I "want" was promised to me...So that's something to look forward to....

Flashback

It's amazing how time flies. So I'm watching "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas," the one with Jim Carey, and I remember when I first saw it. The guy I was seeing waited 4 hours in line to get tickets to opening night, and the show wasn't even sold out, lol. It's just amazing. It's the little things that put life into perspective.

I mean, just the memory of going to see this opening night, takes me back to when things were so much more simple, yet so much more complicated all in one.

7 years ago...I was 20 years old. I was in-between relationships. I was a sophomore at Kent. I was absotively sure about everything I was sooooo unsure about. LOL. And somehow, I felt so carefree. Maybe it was the freshness of being on my own. Being my own person. Being the me that felt real to me. When I think back to that time, I can't help but smile and sigh. Sigh a little nostalgia. Sigh a little remembering. Sigh a little wish...a wish that I could get back that mentality.

I know I have brought this up before...But why did I have to grow up. I remember working 40 hours, going to school for 15-18 hours per semester. Yet having time to do whatever I want. Yes, I do realize that I am working the job of my dreams and I need sleep and rest, but every so often, I just wish I had that mentality. Even the one to stay up for 24hours plus and still be able to function 100%. I guess that's what a desk job gets me...when I used to stay up 24 hours I was on my feet all day working at Bed Bath so I was active with energy. Que sera.

But yea...I'd say more, but I am out of words for now.

Are we there yet?

So here we go again...We have a bid in on a house. We made the offer...WAHOO!! It's just scary. Not scary because I am unsure, scary because, well, I've never done this before. Yes, we made an offer on a house before, but it was never at our max price AND at the most FARTHEST (furthest??) outskirts of our search parameter...but it is just so beautiful!! I am just so excited and nervous and all of the above!!!

And the wait begins. We bid on Friday...And had to wait til Monday for the counter bid....Now we counter bid and we have to wait....how long? I know no news is good news, but...AHHHH. I actually started crying at work today, just because all of a sudden everything came down on me and I lost it.

Martinis are a good solution ;-)

So yes, now I wait. I wait and I bleed...No wait, that's a Slipknot song. Ok, we are just waiting...on baited breath...Of we go...Wish us luck!!!!